New Year, New You? 8 New Year's Resolutions Every New Yorker Makes... Then Breaks

January 1st is ticking closer with every passing day, New York City. You know what that means, don't you?

It means New Yorkers everywhere are going to sit down and map out all our resolutions. We're all going to buy comfier beds to try and sleep more, and continually make promises to ourselves to cut back on the smoking.

We're just going to go ahead and put it out there: most New Yorkers will break most of these resolutions.

We're not saying we don't believe in you. We totally believe you'll make a ton of unrealistic resolutions, and then break them.

We apologize for coming at your dreams, but really? You thought you weren't going to drink anymore? Let's be real here.

Read on to find out what resolutions every New Yorker will make, then break, this New Year's.

1. Grocery shop more

arjuncordero5 Rollin in the ride @andslopez #groceryshop #walmart

We hate to bring this up, we hate to remind you of the pesky fact that grocery shopping is less expensive than eating out for every meal, but sadly, it's true.

So with the New Year on the horizon, plenty of New Yorkers will look toward their local Gristedes, Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, and Morton Williams with hope. We'll say it to ourselves: we can accomplish this resolution. 


We can buy vegetables, raw meat, and pasta, and we can whip it all up into a dinner. We can prepare our lunches in the morning before work.

We maintain this hope until about January 20th or so, when we just accept that we'll be acquiring all nourishment from takeout places always and forever.

2. Take fewer cabs

status__sq__quotes__pr #itswednesday #Wednesday #Wednesdays #tgiw #fbw #tlc #honeybooboo #theholidays #holiday #holidays #πŸŽ„ #Christmas #xmas #christmas2015 #bitchesbelike #statusquotes #belike #newyearsresolution πŸ‘†πŸ» I mean I'm already #pretty #cool but I wanna get #cooler πŸ™„πŸ‘†πŸ»πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

This is a classic NYC resolution. If you came up with this one on your own and thought you were some special snowflake, you thought wrong. 

We all make this promise to ourselves.

We'll take the subway always and forever. We'll start leaving earlier and start getting places on time. Therefore, we won't even need to take cabs.

Obviously, when we schedule doctor's appointments before work, we wind up cabbing there no matter how many times we swore to ourselves we'd rise from bed an hour early.

We are going to take fewer cabs this year. Right after this one cab.

3. Get more sleep

casper Wake us up when it's Christmas Eve.

You'd think getting more sleep would be easy, especially since you've got that universally comfortable, perfect-for-everyone Casper mattress.  

Of course, you do sleep more at first. Right when you get that mattress-in-a-box, you start canceling plans to spend time with your mattress, something you never could have foreseen. 


What happens next, though? Well, next you bring someone home. You know, to show off how amazing your mattress is. That definitely doesn't help you get any sleep.

If you're not getting it on atop of your ridiculously comfortable, springy latex and high-density foam mattress, you're losing yourself to a Netflix marathon. You rationalize this by convincing yourself that your mattress is so cozy, you don't want to waste a single second with it by being asleep.

4. Exercise more

fuckjerry This how it's going to end. No doubt about it. (@poorlydrawnlines, @pdlcomics)

Some of us take this one pretty far. Some of us go so far as to purchase a gym membership. Some of us even utilize that gym membership. 

Which, again, lasts until about February 1st. After that, the gym use starts petering off until we're back to our happy-hour-after-work-every-day routine.

Who really needs to exercise anyway? Don't we already walk more than anyone else in the country?


5. Stop smoking

fuckjerry πŸ™πŸ»Pray for 2016πŸ™πŸ»

We're all going to stop smoking. We're all going to treat our lungs better and stop wrecking our paychecks on $14 packs of cigarettes. Or, so we all say.

We all say this to varying degrees of sincerity, but odds are, if you're a New Yorker, you've indulged in your fair amount of cigarettes. It's a stressful town, and sucking in the toxins from a cigarette tends to take the edge off.


So we all make this promise to ourselves, and we all very much intend to keep this promise... until we discover leftover cigarettes in our pocket, or we bum one from a friend. It's a quick escalation until we're back at the store buying our own pack again.

6. Eat healthy

Hey, NYC! Please let us know when you start selling dollar salads. Please keep us in the loop when these salads are as delicious, satisfying, and convenient as dollar slices, too.

Oh, that's not going to be happening anytime soon? We understand. 

The only thing we can really say in our defense about this one is that we thought that shrimp tempura roll was healthy. We thought we read in a book somewhere that all sushi is healthy.

The point is, there are too many burritos and tacos, amazing pizza joints and opportunities to chug tequila for us to ever follow through on this resolution with any gusto.

7. Drink less

fuckjerry Me RN. (@splurt, @cashcats)

Good one! This resolution is so hopeful, yet so unrealistic. Really, you thought you weren't going to drink while you were fifth wheeling it with your couple friends?

Really, you thought you'd just stay sober while you watch your friend make out with your ex?


It's almost cute that you thought this could be a genuine resolution. Of course, there are plenty of reasons you thought making the "drink less" resolution would be smart. Drinking is expensive. It's bad for your body and your bank account.

Let's be real, though. You're not going to have a realistic time in this town if you don't accept the fact that you'll be drinking.

8. Fewer one-night-stands

fuckjerry "Take my hand girl. We gettin some D tnt." (Twitter: @afenikkid)

You swear to yourself that you'll start meeting people organically. You'll strike up a conversation with someone at the gym! You know, since you just got that fancy gym membership and everything.

Or, you'll like, go to the library, and you'll meet someone because you're both reading the same book! How serendipitous. 

Of course, neither of these work and of course, the easiest way in the world to meet someone is at a bar, when you're ten beers deep. Does meeting someone on Tinder count as not having one-night-stands?

Check out 9 Relationship Tips for Surviving the Holiday Season

[Feature Image Courtesy BuzzFeed] 

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