We're all getting out of New York City for Thanksgiving. Okay, so millions of people will attend the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and plenty of other New Yorkers will eat their turkey within the city limits.
Not all of us are leaving, but a lot of us are headed to our parents' in the suburbs, our sister's in a different city, or even our in-laws across the country.
Throughout the next couple of days, millions of New Yorkers will board planes, buses, and trains, all headed for a much more tranquil place than NYC.
We've got some pro tips, though: Just because you're in Illinois doesn't mean you shouldn't stay to the right on the escalator. Just because you're in Delaware doesn't mean it's cool to just start making eye contact with everyone on the train.
Also, we know we're all tough New Yorkers and everything, but we should all still be careful this Thanksgiving.
The State Department issued a worldwide travel alert for Americans. It doesn't urge Americans not to travel, but urges us to "exercise vigilance in public places or using transportation."
So be aware of your surroundings. Read your environment. Say something if you see something, even if you're not in NYC. Most of all, stay safe.
Read on to find out how to travel out of NYC like a real New Yorker this Thanksgiving.
1. Always fly out of JFK
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No real New Yorker does any of that "LaGuardia" or "Newark" nonsense. First of all, both of those airports are decrepit, dilapidated messes, and secondly, there isn't really convenient public transportation that leads to either one of them.
Real New Yorkers whisk themselves, their bags, and their NYC pride on the air-train to JFK. They disembark right at their terminal, probably stopping to grab a tasty snack before heading to the gate.
The point is, real New Yorkers are all too aware of how crowded it is at Thanksgiving in LaGuardia, and how finding a way to get to Newark after work is as difficult as rocket science.
If flights out of LaGuardia or Newark are cheaper, it's because it's essentially impossible to fly out of either of these airports and maintain a modicum of dignity. Real New Yorkers fly out of JFK.
2. Don't smalltalk
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Real New Yorkers don't want to smalltalk on the train, bus, or plane. We really, really don't.
It's the day before Thanksgiving and we're just trying to get out of the city so we can get to our tension-filled family Thanksgiving in peace.
Like, we're going to have to spend the whole weekend listening to our girlfriend's grandfather tell us how sexism is over, or how we shouldn't let in any refugees, or how terrorism will basically end us tomorrow.
So, forgive us for not wanting to listen to your synopsis of your Jennifer Weiner novel, alright? We've got more than enough questions at dinner to deal with already.
3. Take the subway
When you've got an armload of suitcases, a huge backpack, and a pretty big briefcase on top of that, it's tempting to hail a cab.
Real New Yorkers are old pros at experiencing this temptation. We know that it's the day before Thanksgiving and every road leading to Penn Station, Port Authority, and Grand Central will effectively become parking lots.
We also love overcoming the toughness of the situation. We spend every other day throughout the year cursing at everyone on the subway with suitcases, and then we become those people with suitcases.
The difference? We're old pros at the situation. We know pushing the suitcase ahead of ourselves in the turnstile is essential. We know we're supposed to take off our backpacks in crowded trains (although this doesn't mean we will).
The point is, real New Yorkers brave the subway no matter how many bags we have. We didn't buy a monthly MetroCard for nothing.
4. Stay to the right on escalators
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Could we all just do this?
Like, we're definitely onto something with this foolproof system. The "stay to the right" on escalators system works for everyone. It works for everyone who wants to rush, and it works for everyone who doesn't want to rush.
Okay, sure, maybe people in other parts of the country aren't in as much of a rush as we are in NYC. That's a given.
However, you can take the New Yorker out of NYC but you can't take the NYC out of the New Yorker. So, we're going to be in a rush whether we're in NYC or not.
Just because we've flown to Chicago or Boston or Idaho for Thanksgiving doesn't mean we're going to abandon our perfect transit etiquette. Hopefully, if we spread this method to other cities over Thanksgiving, we'll be less likely to pop blood vessels whenever we leave.
,5. Walk fast
We should also assure every New Yorker that once your train, bus, or plane touches down in whatever city you're visiting for Thanksgiving, the people there will not be abiding by our tried and tested travel rules.
So we'd like to advise every New Yorker to resist the urge to drop kick slow walkers, people making eye contact on public transportation, and slow cashiers in other cities' transportation hubs.
Whenever you feel the urge to start screaming because of how slow everyone is in this other city, just remember the pace of other cities is practically glacial compared to ours. Once you've reminded yourself this, you'll be less likely to want to pull your hair out.
Plus, if we're walking fast, maybe the citizens of other cities will realize that our way of life is superior.
6. Eat odorless food
jd_btw Ghetto Bon Appetit, hey this happens everyday man. #GhettoBonAppetit #eatingonthebus #Heathens
Please don't whip out your vinegar soaked salad or garlic reeking spaghetti on the bus.
If you've brought a sandwich that doesn't smell, or a granola bar, or a bag of cereal, we'll love you forever. Also, you'll be officially traveling like a real New Yorker.
Act as if your Greyhound bus is the subway. For all intents and purposes, it is. Therefore, if the smell of your travel snack is going to affect the lives of your fellow passengers, don't bring it.
7. Don't put your bags on the seat
We don't care whether you're riding Amtrak, NJ Transit, or the LIRR. We don't care if you're on a Bolt Bus or a Greyhound.
Take whatever mode of transportation you want, but keep your bag off the seat.
Put it in your lap. Put it in the overhead compartment. Put it under the bus. We really don't care, but we also really don't want to have to say "Excuse me," in a demanding way, motioning to your bag that's taking up an entire seat.
We're all leaving for Thanksgiving and emptying out of the city, so your naive belief that you'd get the entire row to yourself was misguided. Move your bag so we can get on the bus seat we paid for. Thanks.
8. Sit in the aisle
jtheram Waiting for my train back home can be such a lonely feeling. #transit #transportation #dot #NJ #NewJersey #Train #NJTransit #railroad #sunny #platform #outdoors #outside #landscape
If you can snag an aisle seat on your Bolt Bus, you should do so. This will make it easier for you to get out and use that dreaded bus bathroom if you absolutely have to. Plus, you'll be less caged in when the bus ultimately arrives at your Thanksgiving destination.
Also, sitting in the aisle allows for the possibility that you might get a row to yourself, and you can do this without violating the sacred "Don't Put Your Bag on the Seat" rule.
Check out 7 Surefire Ways to Piss Off a New Yorker During the Holiday Season.
[Feature Image Courtesy The New York Times]