We've all been there: We're having a perfectly civil conversation with a perfectly respectable suitor when that text comes in.
"Yo. You want a picture?"
In most cases, you're astounded. You're like, "We were just talking about spaghetti!" In every single case, you're expected to pretend that you like what you see.
In no case ever, did you like what you see.
You also have to do your best to resist showing the picture to your friends to, like, protect his privacy or whatever.
Read on to discover the stages of receiving a dirty picture. If you love these steps, then check out our very own YouTube video below for the dating app for people who actually do want to receive dirty pictures.
1. Step one: normal conversation
Maybe he says, "How's your family?" Maybe you respond in kind. Maybe you're having a really enjoyable volley of flirty banter.
Regardless, you're in no way prepared for what's coming. How could you be? You're talking about your jobs and the weather, your friends and what you like doing on the weekends.
[anad]
Almost every single time one of these pictures is fired off, the preceding conversation is entirely harmless and relates in no way to reproductive organs. Then again, there's not always a conversation to begin with. It just happens.
2. Step two: getting down to it
this_ninja_toonz So I hear you like dick pics. Also I'm amazed on how many dick hash tags there is on here. 😂😂 #dickinabox #inboxme #dm #onlydicksweartrojans #dickpics #dickpicksforchicks #dickslastresort #dickpicoftheday #dickens #dicksrus #dicksfordays #imsorrynotsorry #awkward #guysbelike #heresadickpic #dickpicswillgetyoublocked #byefelipe #sociallyacceptable #dead #hundred #dontbethatguy #hashtagsfordays #ighashtags #9gag #memes #dontbeadick
If you're lucky, he'll preface the picture with something coy. Something charming. Something like, "Woke up with morning wood. Want to help?"
More likely, though, he'll just ask you if you want the picture in a way that makes you completely believe that he thinks he's doing you the favor of all favors.
Like what he's got between his legs is the most photogenic of any bodily organ. In reality, this isn't the case. You'd much rather get a snapshot of washboard abs or a picture of smiling, cavernous dimples.
Regardless, the picture is heading toward your phone and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
3. Step three: receiving the picture
You have to stare at your phone for several seconds before you can fully comprehend what's just arrived there.
Once you've accepted that you did, in fact, just receive a shot of what you think you received, you have some questions. Like, how many tries did he take to get that picture just right? Did he worry about the lighting? Did he try multiple poses?
You're also have some other, perfectly natural questions. Has he sent this picture to other girls?
[anad2]
Some of your questions are a bit more panicked: will there be a way for my family to access this via the Cloud? You've never really understood the Cloud and you're not really sure you trust it.
Then, of course, there's the question that's really mattered; the question that's been puzzling girls since texting pictures became a thing: did he really think I'd like this picture?
4. Step four: examining the picture
In the worst case scenario, he's lined his member up alongside an inanimate object, like a tube of toothpaste or deodorant or a hairbrush.
Not only does it shout insecurity, it's also weird. No one is turned on by a tube of Colgate toothpaste. No one.
If he's done it in the mirror, so you can see other parts of his body, it might actually look good. Let us be clear here: the rest of his body looks good. What he thinks is the main event, though?
That never looks good in photographs. It just doesn't.
,5. Step five: figuring out how to respond
In this step, you have to decide whether or not to be real. Do you tell him you're amused and sort of disgusted by the picture?
Or do you tell him what he wants to hear: that you're delighted beyond belief that the pixelated image of his organ has graced your eyes?
[anad]
If you're going to tell him the truth, you might as well also tell him that you're on the couch, in your pajamas, eating pizza. That you feel like the exact opposite of sexy in this moment, and that his picture made you lose your appetite a little bit.
If you're going to be honest, you should also tell him that when he texts you saying, "Tell me what you want me to do to you," the most honest and genuine response you could think of is "cuddle me and tell me I'm pretty... Also, bring me more pizza."
6. Step six: actually responding
You eventually decide to just go with something neutral. Something that will stroke his ego while remaining true to yourself.
You just decide to text, "nice pic."
It's chill, it's short and to the point, and hopefully it'll discourage the sending of any further pictures. If he wants to get it on in person, that's a completely different story, but you'd definitely prefer for your phone to remain nice and chaste in the future.
7. Step seven: fielding requests for a response
Now, of course, he wants a picture back. Sending one is out of the question because, as we said, you're in your pajamas, eating pizza on the couch.
All you were hoping for was a nice conversation to feel a little less lonely. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, it is.
You don't even know what he wants a picture of. Certainly, he doesn't want you to send a shot of the same region of your body that he sent of his. Then again, adulthood is pretty weird, so you wouldn't be too surprised.
[anad2]
You could just tell him no, that you don't want to tarnish your reputation or look as ridiculous as him, but that would probably mess with his ego.
So, you decide to just pretend you're asleep and text him tomorrow saying "sorry, fell asleep, lol." That's definitely the move.
Check out Because Meeting the Right Person Nowadays Is… Hard, There’s This.