What defines a "real New Yorker?" It's an age old question that stretches back through the hazardous depths of time.
For those of us that came to New York City after the end of our development into adults, we know the heart pounding pressure of trying to look like we belong.
We know the strife of trying to swipe our MetroCards in the right direction and make the right amount of eye contact on the subway all too well (read: no eye contact is the right amount of eye contact on the subway).
Then, we watched ourselves morph into seasoned New Yorkers. We watched ourselves become grizzled regulars who didn't bat an eye at $14 cocktails or fights on the subway.
Most of all, we watched ourselves become the kind of person who can spot that other kind of person, the fake New Yorker, with the same bat of the eyelash. Read on to find out how.
1. The look of shock in extreme situations
We're pretty sure every real New Yorker dons a face of passive indifference in even the most extreme situations.
Here's what we mean: there's a guy yelling about how we're all going to be smitten by the Lord at the top of his lungs on the subway? Scan the faces of those around you.
If you're on a train full of real New Yorkers, they'll be wearing poker faces. You'll be unable to tell whether they're even hearing that guy.
If you're on a train full of fake New Yorkers, though, they might have that openmouthed look of What should we do about this guy? Those people have not been around the block enough to even look completely and utterly indifferent to this kind of ridiculous behavior.
2. Backing down from a fight
You're at Kinko's and the woman behind the desk is being super mean to you? You're trying to snag a cab and the guy behind you is giving you attitude?
Or, this is even better, the cab driver is giving you attitude?
Pay attention to how the person in question responds to this kind of situation. A fake New Yorker will back down, and back down every time. They'll say, "Oh, I'm so sorry Kinko's person. Push me around all you like."
They'll say, "I'm sorry, yes, maybe you were here first. Go ahead and take this cab."
A real New Yorker, though? No way. We'll stand up for ourselves in these and every situation. Plus, we'll do it without remorse.
3. Pretentiousness
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Sure, New Yorkers are known to tread amongst the rich and famous, but anyone with the gall to call themselves a real New Yorker would never claim to know what a real New Yorker actually is.
Of course, NYC is heralded for its diversity, praised for its open mindedness, celebrated for its amazing food. Why, exactly? We have such an amazingly wide variety of vibrant heritages. No single person is the same.
If you ever catch someone thumbing down their nose at you because you live in Brooklyn, or claiming that they "never leave Manhattan," don't worry about that person. They're not a real New Yorker. Real New Yorkers have journeyed around all five boroughs, and had a blast doing it.
4. A little too excited about celebrity sightings
jesscaa92 Creepin real hard on @realtracymorgan. Too bad he looks so miserable #nyccelebrityspotting with @whatisworth
Real New Yorkers have all run into our share of celebrities. Maybe we've sat behind Gloria from Orange Is the New Black in a movie theater, or spent the night hanging out with Hannibal Buress in an Atlantic City casino.
Okay, yeah, maybe we even chased after the guy who dates Marnie on Girls in the West Village just to make sure it was actually him.
There's a crucial difference here, though, between meeting a celebrity and sighting a celebrity. A real New Yorker knows the one critical secret about the situation: that celebrities are people. They don't treat them like attractions, in other words.
If you see someone approach a celebrity with a blank look in their eyes, demanding a picture and ignoring the fact that that celebrity might have any number of things going on in their day, that person is not a real New Yorker.
,5. They take delight in tourist traps
Like the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, or attending the ball drop at New Years for that matter. Or, going anywhere near Times Square in general.
Of course, everyone comes to Times Square right when we move here, and we're enchanted by it. Just like we're delighted by "Show Time" on the subway at first. Gradually, though, we grow to hate both of these showy, annoying, disruptive aspects of life in NYC.
Most New Yorkers try clubbing on New Year's, then solemnly proclaim that never again will we club on New Years.
The Thanksgiving Day Parade, though? That's for the bridge-and-tunnel crowd, just like the ball drop. You'll never see a real New Yorker at either of these spectacles.
6. Being an A-hole
Keep in mind, standing up for ourselves is not the same as being a jerk. Demanding something we know is rightfully ours, like our place in line or a cab we waited for first, is not the same as being needlessly rude.
True New Yorkers are painfully familiar with this distinction.
Real New Yorkers might curse out tourists and slow walkers in our heads, and curse them out colorfully, but if they ask us for directions we oblige. We hold doors and occasionally give our leftovers to homeless people.
In other words, we care. If someone's rude for no reason-- if you're on a date with someone and they don't leave a tip, for instance --that someone isn't a real New Yorker.
7. Supporting chains
This one is clear, true, and obvious. Real New Yorkers love bodegas. We love the independently run deli by work with $2.50 breakfast sandwiches.
We love buying our coffee from coffee carts because, A) it costs $1, and B) it's so much more delicious than Dunkin' Donuts.
You won't catch a real New Yorker in Barnes and Noble, and if so, not often. But usually we're too busy browsing the stacks at Housing Works.
Will you ever catch a real New Yorker in Applebees? Hell no! We'll be too busy chowing down at our local diner, thank you very much.
Check out 7 Things You Hate About NYC Once You Return.