Driving in New York City is like playing the choking game. It’s super dangerous and not really fun at all, but everyone is doing it, so why not?
Several reasons why not: potential for death increases every second, general recklessness, trust issues, we could go on, but suffice it to say, just don't do it.
Here are the worst parts of driving in NYC and why they suck more than a brand-new Dyson vacuum cleaner (which are dope by the way. The Dyson V6? Fuggedaboutit. Lightweight. Easy and maneuverable. Comes with a wall mount. Pretty quiet. Seriously, worth the investment).
1. Parking tickets
Last year, during that massive snowstorm, I made the mistake of driving to my buddies place in Bushwick. Parking in NYC is diabolical even without an avalanche from the clouds.
Anyway, I thought I found the holy grail of parking spots right in front of my buddy’s apartment. But, it was a trap.
It turned out that there was a fire hydrant buried in a pile of snowy garbage and I got a massive ticket. Needless to say, I haven’t driven to Brooklyn since.
2. Tunnels and bridges
There are a ton of tunnels and bridges in and around NYC. The bridges, particularly the Brooklyn Bridge, are awesome to look at. However, they are traffic magnets and so are the tunnels.
Also, this probably doesn’t apply to everyone, but I have a totally unreasonable fear of both tunnels and bridges. Tunnels are absolutely terrifying.
If you can sit in an hour of traffic in the Lincoln Tunnel and not think about the water swallowing you whole then you have nerves of steel.
I’m sure bridges are totally safe, but I slept through high school physics and have no idea how they don’t crumble under the weight of those motionless eighteen-wheelers.
3. Slow drivers in the fast lane
I don’t understand why people drive slow in the left lane. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve got a nasty case of road rage and nothing gets me angrier than people driving below the speed limit in the left lane.
NYC is non-stop traffic and there are very rare opportunities to let the horses run. When people ruin that for me, I’m bound to get a little heated.
4. Construction
The construction on 2nd Avenue is destroying society and guess what? We get to deal with it for almost two more years.
,5. Meter maids
I know this is similar to parking tickets, but I think meter maids deserve their own special spot on this list. First of all, I don’t think we’re allowed to call them meter maids.
The PC police hate job titles that aren’t gender neutral. But, political correctness aside, I hate these people. They are on more of a power trip than the people who referee youth sports.
There are two parking violations that aren’t victimless crimes: parking in a handicapped spot and parking in front of a hydrant. Everything else is just a super sneaky way for the government to steal my money.
6. Parking
They say that a tie in sports is like kissing your sister. Well, so is parking your car in a lot.
Yes, your car won’t be broken into. Yes, you don’t have to circle your neighborhood for an hour looking for a spot that may not even exist.
No, it will not be reasonably priced.
7. Cyclists
These people are just begging to be hit by a car. I know, share the road. I’ve heard it a hundred times. But, cyclists don't just think they're as good as cars.
Cyclists think they are better than cars. That attitude infuriates me and I’m in control of a machine that can kill you. So, much like The Hulk, you won’t like me when I’m angry.
8. Fast money round
Traffic, tolls, DUI check points, pedestrians, cabs, eighteen wheelers, speed limits, drivers who accidentally leave their turn signal on, speed limits, school buses, no turn on red signs, flat tires, gas prices, oil changes. All of that.
Check out 10 Reasons Why Commuting from NJ Makes You Want to Slam Your Fist into a Wall.
[Feature Image Courtesy Animal New York]