Emojis are excellent. Everyone has triumph stories of times their emoticons came in clutch, right?
Like, you were flirting and the person you were flirting with said something cute, and you came in hot with the blushing emoticon.
Or that time you cancelled plans on a Wednesday night because your head was still pounding from your Tuesday night hangover and you just couldn't swing it. You included a crying face with your "I can't make it text" so the person you were bailing on knew just how sad you were about it.
Plus, we absolutely love this new Subway Agony Index from WNYC, which rates each subway train with an emoticon index to match passenger's feelings. Which is super relieving, really.
We also love that emojis are more racially inclusive as of February, even though the addition of darker emojis made us all the more painfully aware of how exclusive emojis had been prior to this addition.
But sometimes, there just aren't emoticons to describe how we feel. Read on to see what emoticons the emoji app needs to get, ASAP.
So how about it, Apple?
1. Middle finger
This one is the most obvious of the dearths in emoticons. How often to you want to flip someone off, only to be unable based on emoji's lack of middle finger emoticon?
There are many situations you would need to send a middle finger emoticon, most of which are ironic. Your roommate says, "Can you do the dishes?" Your boss says, "Can you do your work please?" Your mother says, "Can you take a train home for your grandmother's birthday next week?"
[anad]
But in all seriousness, please don't tell us we need five different types of pointing emoticons.
2. Pie
Why is there no pie emoticon? If you haven't noticed that there's no pie emoticon, we probably can't relate. When you were in college, you and your roommates may have used the word "pie," as a code word for "marijuana."
So, a typical conversation between you might have gone like, "Hey, do you want to eat some pie before we go to dinner at the dining hall?" Which threw all the eavesdroppers off for a while. Then, the eavesdroppers started to catch on. Which meant you needed to use emoticons to hide our intentions.
Which was really difficult, since there was no pie emoticon.
Let's get on it, k Apple?
3. Marijuana
Speaking of Dazed and Confused (we were talking about Pineapple express, right?) we're very perplexed about why there's no joint, bowl, bong, or even one-hitter emoticon.
Weed is barely illegal in NYC, and we'd really feel much more comfortable if our emojis reflected that ASAP.
4. Masturbation
We haven't quite worked out what this one will look like, but it is sort of frustrating that we have no emoticon to express it.
[anad2]
Isn't the whole point of emoticons to use symbols rather than words to express what you want? And having to tell your roommates they can't come in your room because you're masturbating would be way easier if we could just, you know, send an emoji instead.
5. Boys dancing
Why are girls the only ones allowed to have a dancing emoticon?
6. Skateboard
All those sport emojis and not one skater. How marginalized must all skateboarders and Avril Lavigne feel?
[anad]
Don't even get us started on rowers, lacrosse players, curlers, squash players, and tabletop tennis players.
We mean it. Don't even get us started.
7. Horny
The closest thing we have to a horny emoticon is this smiley.
Or this smiley.
If we could get one universal horny emoticon that expressed the desire for sex, we think a lot of flirting cell phone users and couples would be much happier.
8. Butterflies
We're seriously really curious what Apple has against butterflies.
[anad2]
There are 66 animal emotions, and not one butterfly. Butterflies are pretty and they make the world a better place. They should have an emoticon.
9. Gay people
These are great.
...while these people have no mouths? Can we please add mouths to them?
