For any aspiring actor, half the battle is auditioning, and for an aspiring actor in New York City, that battle typically includes shuffling in and out of studio buildings in the theater district at 6 a.m., sometimes in sub zero temperatures.
These open calls are often referred to as "cattle calls", and for good reason.
You would imagine that the experience is not unlike being herded amongst a pack of confused, bumbling cows who are just trying to get through another day. Actually, it's pretty much exactly that.
Except the cows are NYU graduates who wouldn't be caught dead in such a busy print.
Here's a breakdown of a typical theater audition in NYC:
1. Getting ready
Your alarm goes off at some ungodly hour of the morning. You stumble around half asleep as you try to make yourself look somewhat like a human being.
Your "audition dress" is nowhere to be found, so you're forced to wear one that you feel sort of makes you look like a bored secretary from 2006. Nailing it already.
[anad]
Might as well attempt some warm-ups as you curl your hair. But unfortunately, all your half-asleep vocal chords can currently manage are some bird-like squawks.
2. The commute
It's so early. Oh God, it's SO EARLY. You nearly trip down the subway stairs because your limbs still have not gotten the memo that you're awake and trying to do things with your life.
You decide to be a good little actor and look over your sheet music as you wait for the train. However, a train approaching on the other side of the platform causes a gust of wind to promptly snatch it out of your hands and into the tracks.
Looks like you'll be singing your backup song today.
3. The line
You're feeling proud of yourself for getting to the audition early until you see the line that's already snaking all the way down 54th street and around the corner. You sign in for spot #534. Excellent.
However, the good news is you've just run into a friend who you ask to hold your place in line while you run to the nearest Dunkin' Donuts.
The nagging voice of your college vocal teacher rings in your ears, warning you of the negative effect of caffeine on your vocal ability.
You say "screw it" and drink the coffee anyway, it's 6 in the morning for Christ's sake.
4. The holding room
After you turn in your headshot and resume, you file into a room full of dozens of other audition hopefuls.
You scan the room and spot at least 4 other girls wearing your dress. Except theirs have clearly been ironed, while yours was pulled from a rumpled pile of clothes on your floor.
You overhear a girl telling her friends that she maintains her "Broadway body" by simply never eating. You begin to seriously question your career choices.
5. The actual audition
It's time. You've waited in the cold for 3 hours, in the holding room for another hour, and now it's finally your turn. You tell yourself you've got this, and that this is your moment.
Approximately 7 seconds into your song, the director holds up his hand and tells you that they've seen enough.
[anad2]
You're shuffled out the door and it's over as quickly as it begun.
6. The aftermath
Your brain is reeling as you step back out onto the street, audition bag in tow, sheet music barely even used.
"What did I do wrong?"
"Maybe they'll call me back anyway?"
"I should charge my phone in case they call."
Before long though, you've brushed it off, and slowly realize how ravenous you are since you didn't have the time or energy for breakfast this morning.
You grab a bagel from a street cart before heading home to nap for the remainder of the day. Maybe, you think to yourself, you should just be an accountant after all.
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