We've all been there with our significant others. You like really seriously like your SO. You're so psyched when they call you. You even have a little heart emoji next to their name.
Then, out of the blue, they rip your heart out and stomps on it until it breaks into little bitty pieces that they toss into the Hudson, while you're left crying harder than when you watched Simba's dad get trampled by a bunch of raging wildebeests.
We're not going to tell you that there are tons of other fish in the sea, because those are meaningless words, and it won't help you get over that f*ckperson (we're trying really, really hard to be gender neutral because both boys and girls can be ruthless heartbreaking jerks).
We're hear to give you some useful advice. The best way to get over someone is to eat and drink your feelings away. Ditch that diet, homeskillet, and embrace the warm caress that only food and alcohol can give you. You're not trying to impress anyone anymore anyway...too soon?
We're also adults here, so skip those microwavable frozen meals, Cup Noodles, Easy Mac, and busch beer...
Put your big kid pants on (sweatpants totally counts in catastrophic times such as these) and get on over to some of these joints to eat your heart out.
Here's what you really need in order to forget the pains of unrequited love.
1. BarBacon (836 9th Avenue)
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You thought the first one was going to be a big ol' vat of Ben & Jerrys, are we right? Heck no!
You seriously need some new booty in your life. By booty we mean the deliciously greasy, fatty, preferably applewood smoked, smothered in maple syrup kind.
When we've had our hearts destroyed, we head on over to BarBacon and immediately order the beer & bacon flight. Booze & bacon.
Best way to start your pity-party and forget what's-their-name (and quite possibly your own). This little ditty consists of four select artisanal bacons and four 5 ounce pours of craft beers.
You miss your microwaved, neon orange Easy Mac, you say? We say, WTF, mate? You need to get BarBacon's bacon lobster mac. We're pretty sure you may actually meet your next SO at this place, especially if you offer that hottie a share of this gourmet beaut. Love made in bacon heaven. Invite us to your wedding because we totally set you guys up (but only if there's a free bar).
2. Motorino Pizza (various NYC locations)
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We're in NYC. You can basically get a good slice on any street corner. You probably even have your favorite and you will curse off anyone who disagrees. But desperate times call for desperate measures.
That gaping, bleeding hole where your heart used to be? Motorino's sopressata piccante can fill it and make you feel like the spicy cheeto you were before you got dumped like yesterdays trash (are we going to far here? Nah, we're just getting started).
This sexy thang will fulfill all of your needs. Fior di Latte (a sultry way to say mozz), soppressata (a flavorful cured meat...cause we all need a little meat in our lives at a time like this), EVOO (keeps things lubricated), chili flakes (the sassy, spiciness to light your post-breakup fire), sea salt (reminds you of that seaside, summer one-night-fling that amicably ended at sunrise...), and pecorino (everything is better with some cheese sprinkled on top).
Foodgasm.
3. The Stand Restaurant (239 3rd Avenue)
yourladynaomi Meow #goals #relationshipgoals #bae #ornah #lovers #friendsloversornothing #goal #nachos #datfooddoe #twoowuv #FEEDME
This breakup was of massive proportions. Whether you've been dating since you were both in diapers or since last week, the breakup pangs are the real deal. No ordinary nachos can tell ya that your ex was na-cho-man (see what we did there?). It's a darn good thing for you that these nachos aren't ordinary.
Tater Tot Nachos. Say it with us now. TATER TOT NACHOS! It's like nachos, made with tots. These things will make you bump out your best Napoleon Dynamite dance, and believe the world isn't such a dreary, heart destroying place.
Imagine a mound of tots smothered with tomatoes, sour cream, guac, pickled jalapeños, and nacho cheese sauce. That's sure to make you happier than Pedro on election day. Flippin' sweet.
4. Dough (various NYC locations)
You know, there's something insanely sexy about something smothered in a chocolatey, sugary glaze that'll instantly make you remember your libido is still alive and well even though your heart was ripped into those aforementioned itty bitty pieces by a jerk of wildebeest proportions.
If you feel the need to jump-start your heart, you need to get a box (or four) of Dough's doughnuts. They will most def fix the chasm created when your ex gave you the "it's not me, it's you," spiel... because, c'mon it was totally them. Wait that's not how the saying goes? That's news to us...
Whatevs. These deliciously sultry handfuls of godlike pastries will make you feel like the sexy beast you are. You don't even need to eat them. Just stand in front of a mirror with one of these in your hand. You'll be amazed how much this accessory hypes up your self-worth.
But don't be as foolish as you were when you started to date your crappy ex... Take a bite out of these things and cherish the rush of heat from your tastebuds straight to your belly.
5. Big Gay Ice Cream Shop (various NYC locations)
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After having your soul crushed by your good-for-nothing worthless ex, you need to find a new love...
You need a Salty Pimp in your life.
So stuff your face with a Salty Pimp, lace up those knee high boots with the sky high heels, and strap on your best pink push-up bra, because you're an independent New Yorker who don't need nobody. Guy or gal, throw on those boots and studded bra and strut your sexy stuff. You do you, gorgeous.
Seriously, Big Gay Ice Cream speaks to us when we're down. They're like the supportive BFF who simultaneously curses off our ex while they fix the mascara that has made a trail of misery from our cry sesh after a bottle (or two) of wine.
This cone with vanilla ice cream, dulce de leche, sea salt, and chocolate dip is sexy perfect prequel to your next relationship. But make sure you set the ground rules with your new SO. You will always need your Salty Pimp in your life regardless of your relationship status, and they need to know that so they can accept you for who you are. A Salty Pimp Lover #4Lyf.
,6. Horchata (470 Avenue of the Americas)
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Sometimes after a bad breakup all you want to do is drown your pain in a pitcher of alcohol. Alc is definitely the fix all.... at least until the next morning when you wake up with a raging hangover.
Skip the hangover part, and head on over to Horchata with a couple of sympathetic friends. Then order a couple pitchers of their prickly pear margaritas. By your third or fourth glass, you'll be over that prick-ly ex.
Make sure you load up on some guacamole and chips to snack on as you tell your BFFS how much you hated their stupid face anyway.
Then, when you're feeling the pity party raining on your margarita parade, order some "papi churros." Aye papi! He fixes all things. Fried churros that you can dip in luscious dark chocolate sauce? You'll forget your bad mood and order another round of margs before you hit on the sexy bartender giving you the eye.
7. Pommes Frites (128 Macdougal Street)
roundtable.io Celebrate #NationalFrenchFryDay by donating to #PommesFritesNYC so they can build their business after the devastating fire in the East Village a few months ago. 📷 @infatuation
You need to get on off of that couch, dry your tears, and get yourself a load of french fries. You can count all of the reasons why your better off without your ex as you down a double order of fries with some wasabi mayo.
Seriously, these things will keep you away from pulling an existential breakdown worthy of Brittany circa 2007. We just hope your ex doesn't look like (or isn't actually) the Kevin Federline of 2015.
We're pretty sure that these fries (A.K.A. frites) have medicinal properties to them. There's no way you can feel like you've had your chest torn apart after eating some Pomme Frites.
Trust.
8. Prohibition Bakery (9 Clinton Street)
Sometimes all of the useless crap your friends spew out after a breakup are as bad as the breakup itself.
If you're the BFF of a friend going through a serious split, send 'em some car bombs from Prohibition Bakery. These chocolate cupcakes made with whiskey, Bailey's, and stout will serve two purposes.
1. They will make your friend realize that a world where these delicious little munchkins exist is a beautiful place, regardless of some stupid idiot ex.
2. They will get said friend slightly inebriated.
Boom, you've served your BFF purpose. Get yourself some of their bourbon milk punch rum drops as a reward for your good deed. And then call us, because we need you in our lives.
9. Hotel Chantelle (92 Ludlow Street)
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After you're done telling your ex to get stuffed, you should head on over to brunch at Hotel Chantelle and get yourself some stuffed french toast.
Seriously, you're lonely heart will thank us when you dig into the stuffed brioche with maple infused mascarpone & ricotta crusted in frosted flakes.
What about maple, smooth cheese, and frosted flakes doesn't say get over that a**hole? Uh, nothing! If you still don't feel like the world is your oyster, you need to reevaluate your life... or just grab some of their bananas foster waffles.
That'll do the trick.
10. Mugs Alehouse (125 Bedford Avenue- Brooklyn)
brooklynmagazine Burger, fries, and a @cartonbrewing Boat Beer in the backyard of Mugs Alehouse. Probably the single most underrated way to spend a Sunday afternoon in Brooklyn. (Not pictured, but also worth your time: giant pretzel and spicy pickle appetizers.) #mugsalehouse #cartonbrewing
We told you that margs would help you get over your break up. Tequila is a great way to stifle the pain of a broken heart. But there's just something about beer that makes you feel so much better about life.
Maybe it's the way that a good brew tickles your nose with an aromatic bouquet of crisp citrus and hops. Or maybe it's the way the head lasts longer than your broken relationship. It definitely has something to do with the way effervescence sensually nips at your throat as it glides down to your eager stomach.
Seriously, you need to get drunk off beer.
It's a tested and surefire way to get over your ex. Get yourself to Mugs Alehouse in Brooklyn and choose from some of their many draft beers or bottles.
After a couple IPAs at Mugs, you're definitely going to be accepting of the single lifestyle. Mugs is already better than your ex.
It'll never let you down. And you don't need your ex's baggage anyway. Plus, you hated their mother. It never would've worked.
Check out 11 Undeniable Signs You're Dating a F*ckboy.
[Feature Image Courtesy of Instagram]