In general, we're not stoked about the fact that we have to smalltalk ever. When we do smalltalk, though, we don't want to answer these absurd questions.
Please have a bit more tact than to ask us about our rent or our incomes. First, it's not public information, even though that's shockingly contrary to public belief. Second, it's rude. Even if New Yorkers are notoriously brash, it doesn't give you a pass to ask.
Yes, of course we eat lot of pizza, and yes, it's true that strangers here aren't jumping out of their way to give us hugs on the street.
Here's our point: if you have a relative or friend who lives in New York City and you're tempted to question him or her about life in The Big Apple, please scan the list below before you proceed. Chances are, they've already been asked each of these questions dozens of times.
Here are the dumbest 11 questions New Yorkers get asked. Read this list to discover the answers, and save a New Yorker the agony of having to answer them.
1. How much does your rent cost?
We don't want to talk about it, okay?
If someone's asking you this question, it's probably one of your friends wanting to feel good about themselves for living in a more mediocre, but less extremely expensive city.
It's either that, or someone who sort of wants to move here, and wants you to tell them it's not really that expensive.
Newsflash: it is really that expensive. Also, this is a really personal question. Why does everyone feel completely okay with asking this?
2. Do you like living in NYC?
Well, since we pretty much operate under the assumption that everyone who doesn't live here must be joking, we obviously like it.
Every time we exit the city to suburbia and spend one night out with old high school pals, we're fighting back nausea the entire evening, drinking one beer at TGI Friday's, knowing, sadly, that this is what many other people actually do.
We don't do this. For several reasons. Not least of which is this city offers a billion things more exciting than drinking Bud Light from a tap that's probably never been cleaned in the middle of Nowhere, Pennsylvania. So, yes. We like living here. We're not settling.
3. Is it expensive?
Yeah, it's super expensive. Thanks for reminding us that we have no money in our bank accounts and that it'll probably be a decade or so before we start saving anything. We're really glad we had this talk.
One good thing, though, is that wherever we go when we leave, we cheer when we see the bill. Buying Yuenglings for $2.75 in the suburbs is way more exciting when you're used to buying Yuenglings for $8.
4. Is your apartment small?
thatguyfm I don't know who this person is, but I think we would get along really well. #imanadult #noneofyourbusiness
Yeah, it is, and we absolutely love talking about how small our apartments are while we're on the third floor of your half-the-price, double-the-size apartment, too. We're so glad you asked.
We don't really need tons of extra space in our bedrooms anyway. What do you non-New Yorkers possibly do with all that extra space? Doesn't it get stressful having so many inches of empty space in your apartments?
We'll keep telling ourselves that.
5. Do you eat a lot of pizza?
Well, let's think about this one for a second. If you had access to delicious, hot pizza for only a dollar a slice, how often would you eat it?
Imagine your stomach rumbling, you're walking home from work, and there it is. Pizza perfection for only four quarters.
How often do you think you'd take advantage of this opportunity?
Yeah, we thought so. Often.
6. Do you see a lot of rats?
Yeah, we do actually. We've sort of gotten used to it. We don't even release a primal, guttural scream every time we see cockroaches in our apartments anymore either. Again, thank you for asking.
,7. Do you go to Times Square a lot?
Not unless we can't avoid it. Since it's, you know, the worst.
Oh, that's right. You probably don't know how bad Times Square actually is considering you're one of those unwitting contributors to our daily Hell.
Yeah, go ahead and wipe that look of jealous astonishment off your face after we just told you our work is near Times Square.
Unless you think it'd be fun to shove past crowds and get screamed at on your way to work. Every. Morning. Does that sound fun? Thought not.
8. Isn't it annoying when people ask you for money all the time?
xxhuman_hunterxx_ "But no animal can reason," objected Rainsford. "My fear fellow, " said the general, "there is one that can." "But you can't mean--" gasped Rainsford. #Connell #8 #bigsurprise #Zaroffhuntshumans #youserious? #notokay #notsureItotallybelieveyou #yourweird
No, we just get such a rush from the constant parade of guilt showered on us from veterans and parents with newborn babies begging us for money on the subway. The fact that we're sometimes solicited for money three times before we even get to work in the morning?
That's our favorite!
... Not. Of course it's annoying, frustrating, and depressing, to be constantly getting begged for money all the time. You already knew that before you even asked that question, though, didn't you?
9. Do you see a lot of Broadway plays?
No, we don't. Remember that time when we talked about how poor we are? Remember how expensive Broadway plays are?
The only times we get to go to Broadway plays are when out-of-town relatives visit and treat us. Or when we splurge on ourselves, but doing so decimates our bank accounts for months.
10. Do you see celebrities a lot?
Actually, yeah. Celebrities are just people though, not objects, so we tend to respect their space before we barrage them with picture requests.
Although we can't really resist the temptation to go wild over a celebrity sighting every now and again, but we try have this freak out respectfully, and while acknowledging that the celebrity is a person with feelings.
Which we're pretty sure should have already been obvious.
11. Aren't people mean?
peopledothat My response to anyone who tries to #talk to me at #work today #boo you #monday #ihateyou #chatty #coworkers #shutup #goaway #leavemealone
Yeah, random people on the street aren't the nicest here, but we're tougher because of it.
New Yorkers have tough exteriors, but that doesn't mean we're not some of the most thoughtful, caring, and open minded people underneath that tough facade.
Plus, we're better at sticking up for ourselves now than we were before we lived here.
Check out 12 Unspoken Subway Rules Every Real New Yorker Knows and Follows.
[Feature Image Courtesy of BKMag]