The rumors are true. New York City is a smoggy, desolate place.
The truth of the matter is, NYC is chock full of talentless losers who only came here because they had no where better to go.
We can prove that you should never visit this city by the simple fact that it practically attracts no annual tourists.
Seriously, there are no celebrities, no pretty rivers, tall buildings, or pretty parks.
The bottom line is, New York City is a concrete wasteland without a drop of art, culture, or Broadway shows. Seriously, we don't think you should visit. Now read on to find out 9 reasons why.
(And P.S., we've obviously being sarcastic. But bear with us. Because NYC haters gonna hate. So let 'em. It's our job to prove 'em wrong!)
1. There's no one here
Once you get past whatever bridge, tunnel, or plane you rode in on, you'll be shocked by the sparsity of people in this city.
Seriously. It'll take you weeks, at least, to even spot another person. And you'll wonder why everyone always talks about this city if it's so abandoned.
It's not like this city is the center hub for art, culture, and pretty much every celebrity anyone's ever heard of or anything. If you love excitement, do NOT come here. It's not the place for you.
2. There's nothing to do
There aren't bars, concert venues, coffee shops, museums, and bookstores on every corner of this un-stunning, snooze of a city. It's not like this city is perpetually throwing amazing, free events for its citizens.
Really, believe everyone who tells you NYC is boring. They're totally right. Everyone with any interest ever will be totally bored in this completely stagnant city.
We visited NYC, and then left right away! What a snore!
3. Everyone is so rude
It's true what they say. Everyone in this blasted city is mean.
If you aren't shoved out of the way while someone is trying to get down the sidewalk you'll get shoved out of the way while someone's trying to hold a door for you.
And you'll never get an impromptu, lovely free concert on the subway, nor will anyone ever hold a door for you.
Nor will they give you a free drink at a bar or get completely wasted with you and frolic around the city in new-friendship bliss. That will never happen.
4. You can't get anywhere
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It's not like there's a super complex underground transportation system that can bring you from one tip of the city to another in twenty minutes.
Really, it's not like you can buy a single ride on a super speedy, super efficient train for less than $3.
If the train isn't what you're looking for, you're still out of luck because it's not even like there are plenty of cabs on every street ready to bring you wherever you want, and fast.
We're pretty sure the subway transported like one person in 2013 and like two people in 2014. We didn't check on those stats, but we're pretty sure they're accurate.
No one ever rides the subway in NYC because the square mileage it covers is miniscule.
5. Pizza is so expensive
Who has a whole dollar to spend on a delicious, greasy, flavorful slice of pizza? The fact that pizza only costs one dollar in New York City is a shameful facet of the culture. How does anyone afford it?
Not to mention this insult on top of the fact that there aren't any pizza places in the whole city.
But on the rare occasion you stumble across a pizza joint, its plain slices will cost you an arm and a leg, and a whole dollar from your wallet.
,6. Learning is a no-go
You thought you were going to learn when you got here? Ha! That's adorable.
Because no one lives here, it couldn't possibly be true that NYC was the most linguistically diverse city in the world, with 8.3 million inhabitants. Couldn't possibly be true!
There are no universities in NYC, no free lectures, and no interesting and diverse people ready to teach you how to say "How are you?" in a completely new language.
If you came to NYC hoping to meet someone different from you, you should leave. NYC is factually proven to be the most homogeneous city on the planet.
We didn't check on that fact either, but you only need to take one stroll down Broadway to know it's true.
7. No art
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New York City calls itself a city? We seriously don't understand how.
That bore of a city has no art museums, no murals adorning the walls of its buildings and definitely no art, poems, or musical performances on the subways.
Also, there are definitely no free concerts here, nor free Shakespeare plays in Central Park, nor bars that consistently have live music every night of the week, so if you were expecting that you can just forget it.
8. It's ugly
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The smog filled wasteland of New York City can't even be resuscitated by the gorgeous, sparkling rivers and stunning, sky stretching buildings.
Let's face it, the mirror flanked skyscrapers in NYC never reflect the pattern of the clouds or the radiant sun, and they never look good next to our rushing rivers.
In fact, they look terrible! Peh!
Maybe it'd be cool if NYC had some parks, had any parks, we mean any parks at all, but unfortunately there are no parks in this horrible, dystopian metropolis.
9. No nature
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Who would want to come to a concrete ridden, pollution filled dump land? Probably a crazy person.
No one in the entire city of New York has taken any time to plant botanical gardens, build forests, parks, and Audubon Centers, and it's not like there's a wildlife refuge in Jamaica that's home to 330 species of birds. That would be preposterous in such a large city!
The fact of the matter is, New York City's vagrant dwellers have chased out every trace of wildlife besides rats, pigeons, and cockroaches. There aren't even any zoos here! (There are zoos, we're kidding).
And certainly no one has taken the time to install a rooftop garden or the largest rooftop green house in the world. Certainly not.
Stop Hatin', New Yorkers! Here's Why Tourists Truly Matter in NYC (And Always Will).