Not being a morning person in the City That Never Sleeps is a tough gig.
We have to manage all the trials and tribulations of navigating a New York City morning with the horrible, overpowering anxiety that we’re going to be late on top of all of NYC’s other morning obstacles.
If you’re absolutely not a morning person and you live in NYC, at least you’re not alone.
Here are the 9 stages of not being a morning person on a typical morning in the Big Apple.
1. Wake up... snooze
This is the time you optimistically set your alarm for.
This alarm probably rings out exactly an hour before you need to leave your apartment and head off down the street for another morning commute on the glorious subway.
If you posses any introspection or self awareness whatsoever, you probably knew very well when you set this alarm last night that you would not get out of bed when it went off.
[anad]
You probably wrote yourself a pretty mean note on the alarm like “GET UP NOW,” or “LEAVE BY 8.”
Yeah, yeah, we all do it and it never works. You exit out of that and roll back over.
2. Wake UP! Snooze
This alarm is probably set for fifteen minutes after your overly optimistic alarm was set. We can refer to this one as the slightly more realistic alarm.
But still, you’re going to press that snooze button with all the ferocity you’d press a button to prevent a nuclear attack.
You don't technically need to leave for forty-five minutes and all your plans for packing your lunch, doing your hair, and maybe actually taking a shower, seem so inconsequential when held up next to the opportunity for another ten minutes of sleep.
In fact, you’d trade most things for another ten minutes of sleep right now.
If it were the choice between saving a decent acquaintance’s life, or getting another ten, well, nine now, minutes of sleep, all bets are probably off.
3. WAKE UP! Snooze
When you set this alarm last night, you thought of it as your emergency alarm.
But now, it’s your truly necessary alarm. You need to leave your apartment in half an hour, you’ve taken no steps to get ready, and all you’ve really done is mindlessly scroll through Instagram and Facebook.
You’ve also spent a decent amount of minutes listening to the children on the sidewalk below your bedroom window walking to school.
If you’re not careful, you can get pretty caught up just listening to the street below your window in all its morning hustle before you even realize you’ve wasted six precious minutes.
4. Bargaining
Even though you set aside an hour for yourself to shower, do your hair, put on makeup, and cook a healthy and balanced breakfast, this stage pretty much lights that plan on fire.
In this stage, you bargain like a gambling addict in an Atlantic City casino (whichever one's still left standing). You convince yourself you don’t actually need an hour to get ready and never did. You really only need ten minutes. In fact, you only need seven minutes.
[anad2]
You clearly have three more minutes to relax. So you close your eyes and forget about all your pesky responsibilities. You also consider shirking all your responsibilities in this stage. You wonder what would happen if you called in sick, how everyone would compensate.
You realize that would completely not work at all.
Then you look at the clock. Again.
5. Panic
Once glance at your cell phone and the horrible realization sinks in. This is the time you were supposed to leave your apartment!
At this moment, personal hygiene and looks are sent by the wayside. You experience an emotional cavalcade of all the worst possible scenarios. You miss your morning meeting. You get fired. You lose your apartment. You have to move back to whatever crappy town you grew up in.
You can’t let that happen.
You fly out of bed, throw on the first outfit you see, and rush out the door. No time for breakfast, makeup, or many frills at all.
,6. Getting to the subway
You barely did your makeup, your clothes are wrinkly and look like you slept in them, and your hair’s a mess. Yet, you still hear a variety of catcalls.
Anyone who claims gender oppression is over should take just one morning to walk with you from your apartment to the subway.
[anad]
You’re in too much of a rush to yell at any of these guys, but if they could stop treating you like a sexual object when you’re really just a very late girl, that’d be great.
7. Getting breakfast
Naturally, you have to stop at your favorite food cart before you descend into the subway. No matter how late you are, you still have to eat to survive, right?
[anad]
The line you’re waiting in feels like it’s slowly ripping off all your fingernails, but it’s completely worth it.
Especially when you get to the front of the line, get a coffee and a homemade muffin (for $3), a bright smile from the guy who works the food truck, and then scoff at Starbucks-- that would’ve charged you at least $8 for the same, albeit worse, two items.
8. Riding on the subway
Maneuvering your way onto the subway while holding coffee, getting your MetroCard out of your wallet, swiping it, and getting your MetroCard back into your wallet is a daily Herculean feat.
You spill a little coffee on yourself, but it’s cool because once you take that first sip of coffee and press play on some bumping music from your phone, you know everything’s going to be alright.
[anad2]
You stare down the subway terminal, back at your phone, then back at the terminal, endlessly calculating how many minutes the subway has to get here before you’ll be late. Inevitably the subway screeches up just as you’re about to give up on it and everything else.
You squeeze yourself into a packed and smelly rush hour train and try not to shove your muffin down the conductor’s throat when he announces, “We’re stopped because of train traffic ahead of us.”
9. Arriving at work
You get to work, duck into the bathroom, fix your makeup, and prepare to rock this day.
You’re only five minutes late, and you still wind up being one of the first ones into the office. So all that stressing was really for nothing.
But that won’t stop you from going through it all again tomorrow. At least you'll be one day closer to the weekend, right? Right.
Check out 11 Super Annoying Stages of Going Out With a Large Group of Friends in NYC.
[Feature Image Courtesy: Youthful Beauty]