Everyone in New York City loves getting drunk and doing dumb stuff, or at least everyone worth talking about.
The problem with our exorbitant party lifestyles is that we all have way too much fun. Wait, no, that’s not the problem. That’s the best effin' part.
Let me try this again: The problem with our exorbitant party lifestyles is that being hungover sucks.
Yes, we're dropping truth bombs here, being hungover is extremely lame. Not lame enough to prevent any of us from drinking, but lame all the same.
So how can we defeat the mean hangover monster who ruins our Sundays every Sunday? We can bond over its malice! Here are the 7 brutal stages of an ugly hangover in NYC.
1. Waking up
Hangovers are known to produce stress dreams, so contrary to popular belief, waking up on a hungover morning can actually be pretty relieving.
We mean this in the context of: it feels amazing that the dream you had where you were naked and hadn’t done your homework and everyone else was wearing clothes and had done their homework; well, that was a dream and didn’t really happen.
That said, if you blacked out last night, it’s sometimes difficult to figure out what actually happened, and what happened in your dream.
Ever have hangover dreams where you're chugging and chugging water, which usually means you need to wake up and gulp down several gallons of good old-fashioned H2O. Well, do it.
Alcohol dehydrates you and you need to replenish your system. You should also eat a banana, or better yet, eat a banana before you go out next time. Chug water before bed next time (but make sure you don’t pee in your bed).
2. Searching for your stuff
When you wake up hungover on a Sunday, there are a bunch of things you need to check for. These include your three essential items: PKW (phone, keys, wallet), along with other essentials.
You might log into your online bank account to see how much damage you did, but usually this is just too depressing to bear.
Losing your stuff is also one of the biggest hangover bummers, and we've all been there. The only solace we can really offer is this: you're not alone.
3. Worshiping the porcelain throne
What is there to say about this? It’s likely the lowest part of your day, and the one aspect of a hangover that prompts you to vow you’ll never drink again. Or if you do drink again, you’ll at least take like seven fewer shots.
Why did you think it was okay to mix so many types of alcohols? Did you really have to take a tequila shot, a whiskey shot, then a shot of vodka?
You rue the night you bought all these shots, not only because you’re puking, but also because the fact that you bought them is the reason you have no money left in your bank account.
Praying to the hangover gods does not help this situation, either. All you can really do is hope your stomach settles soon.
4. Smoke up
Lighting one up feels amazing, and nausea feels terrible, so why wouldn’t you choose feeling great over feeling nauseous? Usually, after you spark trees and chill out, you’ll feel exponentially better.
You still may not feel great, but you’ll certainly be more relaxed, and generally find yourself in a better mindset than you were before your life became Dazed and Confused.
Warning: you may snack hard in this stage.
,5. Going to brunch
Ever heard the expression “hair of the dog?” Of course you have. Everyone has. In this case, it’s often true that a mimosa or a Bloody Mary will drastically improve your outlook.
If you absolutely don’t want anything to do with alcohol, I recommend opting for a Bloody Mary because of how well the tomato and pepper mask the vodka-- it’s hard to tell you’re drinking alcohol amidst all of those other flavors.
That being said, mimosas are pleasant, delicious, and once you’ve downed six of them, you usually feel almost euphoric.
Regardless of whether you drink or not, there really is nothing like a heaping plate of delicious food to improve anyone’s hungover mindset.
6. Feeling frustrated
Now, your brunch buzz has worn off, and you feel even worse than you did before. You might puke a couple more times in this stage. You’ll also usually get overcome with anxiety and stress: the week is coming, your apartment is a mess, your laundry isn’t done, and you have no groceries or money.
What’s worse is that you’re hungover bad, so you do not have the wherewithal to solve any of these dilemmas.
It’s important to remember that in this stage, your emotions are mostly chemical. Of course you’re stressed out-- you completely depleted your body’s coping mechanisms against the thralls of anxiety when you drank thirty Bud Lights last night.
To feel better in this stage, we recommend cuddling with roommates and watching a funny romantic comedy. Those methods are usually foolproof in making you feel better, and you’ll demolish those problems tomorrow when you’re not hungover.
7. Recovering
How can you recover? Well, hangover cures definitely exist. You could take a long, scalding shower. That’ll help. You could change your sheets and get into your wonderful, newly cleaned bed. That’ll definitely help.
You could, after your long, scalding shower, head off to one of this city's gorgeous parks and watch the sunset, or better yet, locate a pool and go for a swim. Nothing cures hangovers better than swimming.
If no pools are available to you, order a pizza, settle back on the couch, and watch Game of Thrones or whatever your favorite Sunday night TV show happens to be.
Remember that hangovers are temporary, and that you will feel better tomorrow, as difficult as that may be to believe right now.
Check out Hangover Cure Heaven: 10 Bangin' Brunches to Chow Down on in NYC.
[Feature Image Courtesy: Tumblr]