Want to drive a New Yorker bonkers? It’s not that hard... honestly, everyone knows it: we're easily angered.
Our fuse is as short as our tolerance for lines at the subway kiosk.
Our patience for slow-walking tourists is about as deep as a kitchen sink.
Our affection for the bridge-and-tunnel crowd is as abundant as our love for that loud, smelly construction along 2nd Avenue.
We can get really, really mad... really, really easily.
Want to find out how to piss a New Yorker off? Read on and find out 9 surefire ways to drive a New Yorker absolutely crazy.
1. Disobey subway etiquette
Is it that difficult? Stand to the right on the escalators, wait for people to get off the train before you get on, don’t leave your bag on a seat.
[anad]
Some of us are rushing, rushing as though being late to work will rescue our ancestral village from an invasion, and we want to be able to race down the escalator.
We can’t do that if you’re not standing to the right.
2. Mess with our trains
To survive in society, we must have some things down cold: our birthday, social security number, and address.
We have to learn the multiplication tables and how to read. In addition to all of this, New Yorkers have to learn what trains connect where, and where they bring you.
It’s a deep and complex study, one that many of us won’t perfect for many years.
And yet, on the weekends, all this knowledge is out the window. Trains are running express, or aren’t running at all, and so the puzzle we’ve managed to piece together so meticulously falls right apart.
Which makes us extremely mad.
3. Speak the wrong way
Learn how to say Houston. Learn the difference between bodegas and grocery stores. Learn the difference between Uptown and Downtown, East and West Side.
You can call it the “subway,” or the “train,” but definitely not the metro. When you say “The City,” you’re talking about Manhattan-- not any other city. And seriously, learn the 33 slang words every New Yorker should know.
Sorry for being harsh, but don’t speak until you’ve gotten these basics down pat, will ya?
4. Get in our way
Ever try to come up with things New Yorkers would never say; things like: “Excuse me!”, “Oh whoops! I didn’t see you there," and, “Oh, I don’t mind you walking very slow in front of me! I have nowhere to be!”
Obviously, none of us have ever said any of these things. We like walking fast, we rarely say excuse me, and we always have somewhere to be.
If you want the best shot at one of us ripping your head off, stop walking right in front of us. Cut us off. Walk slowly. Except, never actually do any of these things, please... because it makes us mad.
Like really, really mad.
5. Be a bigot
We’re pretty open-minded, accepting people in New York City. We boast a multitude of races, ethnicities, and cultures.
[anad2]
We’re also very chill about the whole women having rights thing, and about the whole gay marriage thing too.
Basically, we have very little tolerance for racism or bigotry. Make a closed-minded comment, and watch out. It probably won’t go over very well.
,6. Leave garbage where we walk
We all have to ride the subway. It’s the way we get around. So get a tissue. Please don’t leave your boogers on the floor.
[anad]
For that matter, don’t leave your trash on the subway tracks either. It’s not that hard to walk to a trash can.
And pick up your dog’s poop. Nobody wants to step in it.
7. Stand too close to us
Please don’t put your crotch in my face while I’m sitting on the subway and you’re standing. Also, stop staring at people. Making undesired eye contact is disrespecting the laws of urban solitude.
And don’t put your hand on my hand on the subway pole.
Basically, please don't act like I’m not here, and I’ll do the same for you.
8. “Please Swipe Again”
Every turnstile that’s ever flashed this message to a New Yorker, especially in the morning, especially on a Monday morning, must have had a suicidal desire to get ripped out of the ground.
[anad2]
Because that’s how we’ll likely react to this enraging message.
9. Cancel the L train
The L train’s incompetence on weekends is the most infuriating.
We would like to hang out with our Brooklyn friends on the weekend, MTA, so if you could make this line work semi-normally again... that’d be just great.
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