Cell phones are obviously amazing.
We can listen to music, find each other with spontaneity unparalleled in history, and send each other pictures of our genitalia.
But what happens when too much power comes with too much responsibility?
What if you’re at happy hour at Pony Bar, chilling out with your friends, and you don’t want to fret over work emails?
I imagine before the advent of cell phones, it was much easier to leave work at work, and focus on fun during fun.
How are cell phones methodically wrecking our social lives? Read on and discover our humble theory, that just maybe, we’d all be much more socially fulfilled without our pesky smartphones.
1. No interpersonal skills
Some of us just kill it much more in person than we do over text.
Being funny over text requires a very different type of timing and humor than in person joking does. And for those of us with an all-star in person game, this is a very giant bummer.
[anad]
Because you usually have to demonstrate your ability to socialize over text before you even get an in-person shot these days.
Can we invent an in-person Tinder? I think that would go much better for everyone involved. Or, at least those of us who don’t have agoraphobia.
2. Dating apps
... Speaking of Tinder.
We know what you’re probably thinking. You’re probably thinking, “What are you talking about? Dating apps help my social life!” It does seem this way, doesn’t it? And, in fact, dating apps probably do help some people’s social lives.
Like, my two good friends who are dating guys they met on dating apps, they would certainly protest that dating apps help, rather than hurt, their social interactions.
But let me paint a picture for you. It’s Sunday afternoon. You’re relaxing, hungover, bored, and horny. How do you respond to this scenario? For me, it’s easy. I pull out my phone and Tinder away. For hours. Does this get me laid? It absolutely does not.
After two hours of swiping, I’m too tired to even think about dating. When my Tinder matches start coming in hours later I ignore all of them, because by then I’m disillusioned by the whole idea.
Before Tinder, I imagine that if someone wanted to get laid on a Sunday afternoon, they’d probably go to a bar. Or at least leave their apartment and do something.
Anything that involves actually speaking with humans rather than spending two hours staring at the screen of your cell phone would probably be ferociously productive, right?
3. Easy access to your ex
So, the thing about cell phones is that with the press of a button, you can basically reach out and tap someone on the shoulder. And this is true.
If you text anyone who exists in normative modern New York City society, they’re going to see your text within the hour. If they say they don’t, they’re lying.
So, before cell phones if you were wasted at the bar and you started to miss your ex, there really wouldn’t be anything else to do except shove that irksome ex out of your mind!
[anad2]
In that case, you’d probably start to actually have a good time, talk to your friends, and maybe meet someone new.
But, since we do have phones, and since you can text your ex, you probably will. You’ll probably say something humiliating and vulnerable like, “I miss you.”
And then you’ll spend the rest of your night pressing the center button on your phone like a psychopath and wishing you could smash your phone in the street. #BeenThere
,4. Crutch
If anyone thinks we don’t use our phones as social crutches at worst and debilitating prevention from ever interacting with any other humans, they’re wrong. Really, the main draw of Seamless is that you don’t actually have to speak to anyone when you order.
So when a bunch of strangers are waiting in line at the post office, or are waiting in the waiting room at the dentist, or even when at a work function before the people you know are there, let’s be real.
[anad]
You’re staring at your phone. Imagine how these situations would play out without phones. We’d be forced to talk to each other, is what would happen.
I like getting out of these situations by staring at my phone as much as the next person, but I know I’d have more friends if I didn’t have a phone.
5. No escape. Ever
As I mentioned in the introduction, you can never escape work.
You might be out at happy hour after a long day at the office, and still be barraged with a slew of work emails.
[anad2]
Maybe you really don’t feel like talking to your grandmother, but when you’re holding your cell phone in your hand and it’s ringing, and your grandmother is at the other end, and you can imagine her standing in her kitchen holding her landline, it makes you feel pretty awful to ignore the call.
So you have to exit the bar and talk to your grandmother in the street while all your friends are inside taking shots.
If we didn’t have cell phones, no one could bother you. If someone wanted to talk to you, they’d have to find you in person to do it.
The good ol' fashioned way, right?
Love your smartphone to death? Check out 8 Must-Have Apps Every New Yorker Should Download Right Now.