When it comes to owning a canine in New York City, I have one word for you: woof.
Now, let me first clarify one thing: I wouldn't trade my pooch for anything in the world. In fact, I love him more than I love pretty much anyone. And even though this doesn't seem like it would be the case, NYC as a whole is a pretty dog-friendly city.
Still, it takes another level of commitment to care for our four-legged friends in this fair metropolis.
There are just a lot of factors that get in the way; the most pressing being this: We're just not home that much!
This is New York, we're always on the go. Not to mention, in this city, home is usually the last stop, not a pit stop.
But guess what? When you have a dog you need to rethink how long your post-work happy hour goes because someone needs to go out.
Before we start sounding too bitter (because, again, I love my dog-- you hear that, Joe?), let's get into the 10 highly emotional stages of being a dog owner in NYC.
Guilt
This is without a doubt the most chronic symptom of all dog-owners; it comes in stronger waves at times.
For instance, when you're day drinking transitions into night drinking, or it's snowing out so you make your dog hold it a little longer, or when you make your pooch sleep in the hallway so he/she doesn't awkwardly stare at you during, um, certain intimate encounters.
Bottom line: the guilt is always there. Always. Just get used to it.
Shadiness
This is the second most prominent and consistent stage of all New York dog owners, primarily because it stretches such a wide spectrum.
Think anything from walking away from the poop you don't pick up on the street because you're out of baggies (or just don't care), to stuffing your dog in a bag so he/she can ride with you on the LIRR.
Pet owners know no limits when it comes to what they will do, to the point it basically makes them automatic members of some sort of doggy mafia.
Denial
The following statements are all true and have been said on numerous occasions by any and all dog owners:
"He/she's probably just tired. He/she doesn't need to go to the vet. Right?" "HE/SHE JUST WENT OUT. IT'S FINE." "I'm holding it together." "He/she should be okay for a few more hours." "It doesn't bother me when my dog cuddles with other people."
Undeniable rage
True story: a woman was recently walking one of her two dogs sans leash on my block.
Of course, I automatically judged her, because hello, there are cars everywhere. She then approaches my dog and me and goes on to assure me "her dog is SO friendly."
Not even two minutes later her "friendly" unleashed dog attacked my dog-- and after pulling him out of it-- I (verbally) lit her up like a damn Christmas tree. Needless to say, she hasn't walked her dog down my block since.
It did provide me a little insight as to what I may be like if someone pushes my future kid at a playground. (Spoiler alert: I wouldn't do it if I were you.)
Admiration
New Yorkers already have this unspoken bond between them. It's the whole "we survive this city together; we're awesome" mentality.
Dog owners take that a step further. When you run into one another on the street, while inevitably walking your dog, there's this "tip of the hat" thing that happens.
You both just look at each other and you have unspoken dialogue. "Man this is a pain in the ass, but if it isn't worth it!"
There's also a lot of actual dialogue that takes place as well, because people with other dogs just strike up conversations like they've literally known each other for years.
"Oh wow is he/she cute, how old?" "What's his/her name?" "What kind of food to you feed him/her?" "You should consider getting him/her on different heartworm meds."
It's like being in a parent-teacher conference... all the time.
,Resentfulness
What I'm about to say may shock you: sometimes you will simply hate your dog.
You just don't feel like walking. He/she is being overly hyper for no reason. The vet bills are really adding up, and dammit, you really want to go on a week-long vacation but are having trouble finding someone to watch him/her.
And don't even get you started on boarding fees.
Co-dependency
There are a few many times I cancel plans to stay in with my dog to watch Netflix. He sometimes growls at me when I kiss him too much and/or I force him to cuddle with me against his will. I talk to him out loud as if he's a real person.
I don't feel even a little sorry or weird about any of these things.
Emotional breakdowns
These can be financially-rooted (what, a $340 vet bill for a check up?!?!) or God forbid, something is actually wrong with your canine bestie.
Either way, expect these to sporadically happen during your tenure as a dog owner and typically involve you muttering incoherently.
They can also spring from absolutely nowhere. My dog went in for his routine shots the other day and I burst into tears like a lunatic. Try not to let that be you.
Flirting
No, we don't mean with your dog. Gross. However, they do prove to be quite the catalyst when it comes to flirting.
Dog parks are borderline Tinder personified. Once you're in there, it's an arena for dogs and humans to get it on.
Plus, you'll likely have to literally stop your dog from humping or being humped by another dog, and then you can use that to segue into a not-so-subtle joke about doing the same with the owner.
Unconditional love
Fact: There is nothing better than arriving home to see your overly excited pup. It never gets old. It never doesn't warm your heart. And it makes every other thing on this list worth it.
Every. Single. Time.
If you enjoyed this article, check out the 10 Horrific Stages of Going Out When You’d Rather Stay Home!