For those of us who did not grow up in New York City, we grew up with parents were used to a different style of life. A more suburban style of life. But by now, you're used to being an independent adult.
You're used to staying out late and having no one question your behavior, cleaning your room when you feel like it, wearing your hair however you want, and being super broke.
So when your parents come for a visit, as they inevitably will, a few things go down and your world gets shaken upside down. Here are twelve things that are absolutely bound to happen when your parents come to NYC for a visit.
1. You're... supposed to clean your apartment
...and you know you're supposed to. There was that one time last year when your mom came and you didn't clean, and all hell sort of broke loose. She took it ultra personally. So even though you know for days in advance that your parents are coming, you can just never seem to get your stuff together to clean it before they get there.
Inevitably, tons of plans get in your way , so by the time they get there, it's even dirtier than it was when you planned to clean. You definitely cannot win them all. At least your dad thinks the fact that there are clothes piled all over your room is funny.
2. You have to hide all your paraphernalia
If your parents knew how much weed you smoked and how much alcohol you drank, they'd be unhappy.
So you have to hide your bong, put your weed in a super safe place, and perform an optic sweep around your apartment to ensure there's nothing that would reveal your super fun lifestyle for what it truly is-- super fun.
Of course, you forget about your and your roommates' fully stocked alcohol shelf in the living room, and of course your dad makes a condescending comment, something like “if you tried as hard at your job as you do at partying, things would be much different,” but you swallow these comments like a champion.
3. You have to decide who to introduce them to
You've been on a few dates with this guy and you're starting to really like him. You also really do think he and your dad would hit it off.
Your ideal scenario is the three of you going a dive in the Theater District and eating nachos, drinking beers, watching football and all becoming instant friends. You really don't want to come on too strong, though, and you're worried the conversation would be stilted... basically it's just much less of a risk to not invite him.
Until your mom says, “Why didn't you invite that guy you've been seeing?” And you start questioning everything.
4. Your parents pay for dinner
For once you don't feel guilt expanding in a pool in your stomach for ordering that extra beer, or not instantly scanning all the prices the moment your eyes meet the menu.
The weight you've been carrying while you stressed about money for the past several months dissipates, and you feel light, smiley, and innocent. Like you're a child again. You thank your parents for dinner and they raise their eyebrows at you, like of course we bought you dinner. You smile to yourself. They have no idea how special of a moment this is. No idea.
They also buy the cab on the way back to your apartment, which is another big deal. You could get used to this. Don't get too used to it, though. That'll just make it more difficult when they leave.
5. Your mom gets mad that your apartment isn't clean
After your mom complains that the elevator in your building smells like pee and that your shower is disgusting, the state of your bedroom devastates her.
She makes some sort of comment about how she doesn't know how you got this way, because she totally raised you to be a grown-ass-adult who cares about cleanliness.
They're upset the lightbulbs in your bedroom ceiling are out, they're upset you haven't done laundry in a few moons, they're basically upset you haven't been killing it on tackling problems as they arise.
6. Your mom cleans your apartment
Your mom handles her devastation in the best possible way. She straps on cleaning gloves and starts scrubbing your kitchen counter and tables, she gets in on that shower that was so upsetting to her.
It seems like she just can't help herself-- mess compels her to clean, which is amazing for you. In the same way that fun is irresistible to you, mess is irresistible to your mom.
Her capacity for cleaning makes you the Apartment MVP for at least a week, until something unavoidable happens, something like you spilling a beer on the couch or banging on the kitchen counter, and then... you're not Apartment MVP anymore.
,7. You take your parents sightseeing
Which inevitably means seeing a play on Broadway. You would love to bring them to the High Line, but when you arrive at the High Line there's a sign indicating that it's closed due to ice. -_-
You'd love to take them to Randall's Island, or walking around in Soho or Chinatown, but someone is doomed to start complaining about walking.
You do like Broadway plays, but you're not crazy about the packed-in seats where you can't even stretch out your legs, and you can't help but zone out, which seems a little silly when you start thinking about how much your parents paid for you to all go see this show together.
8. You take cabs everywhere
Your parents refuse to take the subway, no matter how many times you tell them you take the subway every day.
You can tell them this until you're blue in the face, it won't change their predilection that the subway is unconquerably complicated, unsafe, and trashy.
You try to tell them that everyone in NYC takes the subway, even rich people, even celebrities, but to no avail. Cabs all day, every day it is. No wonder they think NYC is so expensive.
9. They can't believe how many people there are
And to be honest, neither can you, really. They can't stop making comments about how crazy it is that this many people live here, especially when you bring them to Central Park and Times Square.
Because, of course, you bring them to Central Park and Times Square-- you have to. They ask someone to take a picture of you, and you're embarrassed, but that embarrassment fades fast once you see how great you look in the picture. Face it, you come from an extremely attractive family.
10. They buy you things
You haven't gotten yourself a pair of new sneakers in two years because you simply can't afford it. Your sneakers have holes in them.
So, like magic, like they're mythical saviors in a fairytale, you go with your parents to Foot Locker and they buy you a super dope pair of orange sneakers. Your jeans have holes on the thighs, of course, because you walk everywhere all the time, and you go into Lucky with your Mom. And she buys you new jeans. This is like a fairytale!
You haven't had a lampshade on the lamp in your bedroom in months, since you got drunk and smashed it in September. So you go to Just Shades in Soho and boom, your parents buy you a new lamp shade. This is too good to be true! You never thought you'd get this excited about a lampshade, but you are-- and you want your parents to live with you in NYC forever!
11. Their visit gets old
Your mom keeps nagging you about your hair and your dad keeps nagging you about your job, and you sort of miss the ballin' adult you were before their visit, the one who didn't have anyone who cared whether she brushed her hair or asked her boss for a promotion. Or whether she ate vegetables at dinner.
You're used to a diet of solely dollar pizza and Chipotle tacos, so when your mom makes a comment about how much mashed potatoes you ate at dinner, you're thrown off. And annoyed. And you want them to leave.
12. They leave
And you stand in your bedroom blinking back tears, feeling like you're four years old and you just got left at preschool for the first time all over again.
You're locked in a honeymoon stage remembering the laughs you had at dinner, staring down at the shiny new sneakers on your feet and the gorgeous lampshade that now hangs on your lamp, and you know that, without a doubt, you have the best parents on the planet. You can't wait until their next visit.