Being a lesbian in NYC is usually really fun. We have Pride every summer, with a ton of fun events and camaraderie, and a general sense of community with other lesbians in NYC.
As far as being a lesbian and choosing a place to live goes, being a lesbian in NYC is pretty phenomenal. You're met with a general sense of acceptance from the entire city, marriage is legal, and there are lots of other lesbians to hook up with. The problem? Intolerance.
Why people would ever be intolerant of other people's right to experience love is completely beyond me, but sometimes people ask some absurd questions and intolerance bleeds through. Here are thirteen of them.
1. "Will you have a threesome with me and my boyfriend?"
Most lesbians have had to deal with this question at a party in NYC at least once. NYC is a liberal city, and lots of couples are looking to get a little wild by adding another girl to the mix.
The answer, however, is no.
This question makes us feel exploited and tokenized. I don't want to make out with your boyfriend. I think he's gross. I also don't want to make out with you while he watches. It creeps me out. I would make out with you while he's not in the room or near the premises, but that'll just make me feel bad. So we should probably just never make out.
2. "But you're too hot to be a lesbian"
Ugh. This is the worst! What is the implication here? That a girl can only attract other girls if she's not pretty enough to attract men?
I think the implication that only unattractive women are attracted to women is a huge factor in the stigmatization of homosexuality-- I want to fall in love just as badly as you do, and whether I'm hot or not actually has nothing to do with it.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and there are plenty of gorgeous lesbians in NYC. Get used to it.
3. "But how do you have sex?"
But... we just met. Why do some people think gay people are just oozing with sexuality-- and are comfortable talking about sex with anyone?
Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean we're obligated to explain it to you. You don't casually ask heterosexual people what sex positions they like best. Instead of asking us this question, you should respect our boundaries just like you'd respect a straight person's boundaries when it comes to details about sex, and at least get to know us first.
Although, I will fill you in on a secret. Lesbian sex is lots of fun. Studies have shown lesbian couples have more orgasms than straight couples, which makes sense. It's much easier to operate machinery if you own the parts yourself, if you will.
4. "How do you know you're gay if you've never had sex with a guy?"
How'd you know you were straight if you've never had sex with someone of your gender? You just knew, didn't you? You probably developed sexual inclinations during adolescence. Your sexuality probably wasn't a decision you arrived at through trial and error. Guess what! It wasn't a choice for us either.
Also, if we lived in Ancient Greece instead of NYC you probably would be having sex with a member of your gender. Also, this question is super insulting because it implies that being gay is a last resort that one would only use if every other option has been exhausted.
If we don't want anything to do with male genitalia, we shouldn't have to give a blowjob so you'll stop questioning our sexuality, k?
5. "You probably just haven't found the right guy yet"
I know plenty of wonderful men in NYC. I have lots of great guy friends, and this is not a misandric article. A woman who is attracted to men, who had crushes on men during childhood, should certainly retain hope that she will find the right guy in one of Manhattan's eclectic bars.
However, girls like me who had crushes on girls in kindergarten, middle school, and high school before we were even able to call them crushes, do not need to hear this. The girl I had a crush on in high school sucked all the air out of the room simply by entering it, she threw off bolts of electricity just by being in the same hallway with me.
I need to find the right girl, not the right guy, I need to look for love at Cubbyhole not The Barking Dog-- and saying this to me is super annoying.
6. "I've made out with a girl before"
Great! You probably broke her heart because you were unable to reciprocate her emotions toward you.
You're probably trying to make yourself feel better by getting my validation. You'll probably hurt my feelings too. Everyone in NYC knows the girl who wants attention at the bar, and every NYC lesbian knows how it feels to be the one she picks for the evening-- it feels amazing, like being drenched by the sun, until she ditches you for the hot guy buying her shots.
Then we're stuck feeling bad about ourselves for being female, which is a giant mess. Straight girls, if you could please stop making out with us at bars, we'd all get our feelings hurt a lot less often.
7. "I've always wanted to make out with a girl"
Ugh. I'm a girl too and I understand the pain of needing to be wanted, but I actually don't want to make out with every single girl I meet. As surprising as that is. This, once again, makes us feel tokenized and a cheap solution to your validation problem.
Flirting is fun and chill, but you probably shouldn't make out with a lesbian, just so you can check it off your list, unless she's totally down. I'm not trying to cock block any lesbians here. But, if you're not gay, maybe you should try being her friend instead of flirting with her, and see how that goes.
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8. "Did you hear about this homophobic thing that happened?"
Telling us that you're aware of homophobia does not automatically make you tolerant, and hearing about this is pretty depressing. We shouldn't have to get depressed to understand that you're tolerant.
Instead of bumming us out by reciting statistics about hate crimes, let's talk about happy stuff. Gay marriage just became legal in Florida!
Why don't you tell us how you marched in Pride last summer and then got totally wasted at Stonewall? Then, we'll know you're chill.
9. "I have a gay friend/relative"
That's awesome for you and for your friend or relative. I love gay people, and I definitely feel kinship toward them. But saying this to me has weird undertones.
First of all, it definitely doesn't entitle you to say homophobic things. Second of all, I'm a normal girl with normal interests. I like basketball and poems. When I tell people I'm Jewish, people don't rush to tell me that they know other Jewish people.
Hurrying to tell me you're friends with a gay person makes me think you think there's something wrong with being gay, and you want to make sure I don't think that you think that. It's pretty complicated psychologically, but I'm totally cool with being gay, so you don't have to worry about assuring me that you're cool with it.
10. “That's so hot”
It may be, but as hard as this may be for men to believe, me kissing a girl has absolutely nothing to do with you.
We're not doing it for your pleasure, so you'll notice us, or so you'll think we're hot. We actually don't even give a shit whether you exist.
You screaming, “Ohhhhhhhhh!!” at us when we kiss in the bar is bad enough, but approaching us to let us know you think it's sexy is kind of absurd. If you did that to a heterosexual couple after they kissed, it'd be really creepy. So stop it.
11. "Which one of you is 'the guy' in the relationship?"
What does this mean? Who is dominant? Who takes charge?
Heterosexual culture is the main obstacle preventing women from achieving gender equality-- because we're socially-forbidden from proclaiming what we want, from asking men out, from seeking and deriving pleasure from sexual acts.
So, if by “who is the man in the relationship?” you mean, “who takes charge in this relationship?” you're a misinformed oppressor-- hate to break it to ya. We take turns purchasing meatballs at The Meatball Shop, and buying each other's beers at Henrietta Hudson's. To answer your question, neither one of us is “the guy.” We're both girls.
12. "Are you sure this isn't just a phase?"
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Yeah, I'm soooo into girls and I always have been, so unless this thing called life has been one big phase, then no, it's not a phase.
Also, this question is rude and condescending-- I am going to go to Stonewall now and find a more tolerant person than you to talk to.
13. "Let me set you up with my only other gay friend"
This actually isn't so bad to hear... especially if she's awesome.
Dating in the gay world is difficult sometimes, and a lot of the time you either need to find someone online, or get set up by a mutual friend. NYC actually alleviates a lot of these difficulties.
There are a lot of fun gay bars and activities, which is part of the reason I love this city so much. I play in the New York City Gay Basketball League, which is soo much fun, and if you don't play basketball, there are lots of other NYC gay sports. But anyway, yeah, getting set up by a friend is cool too.