New York City has a lot of fun parties, bars, and clubs. If I'm telling you something you haven't heard before, we can't talk.
If you're a New Yorker who's had one beer too many and done something a little insane, you're not alone.
Have you ever bought shots for everyone in a random Bleecker Street bar and then puked in the sink? Yeah. So have we.
That being said, here are 14 stupid things New Yorkers do when they're drunk.
1. You order $30 worth of Seamless, but pass out drunk before it's delivered
When you just re-entered your apartment after a night of shots and beers at The Barking Dog, spinning in the euphoria of alcohol, grilled cheese and mozzarella sticks from the diner down the block sounded not only magical but necessary.
[anad]
You rushed to pull up the app. You pulled in the blankets around you, snuggled up until you heard the doorbell ... and opened your eyes at 10am. Tap, tap , snooze.
Hopefully your roommates ate your food or even better, left it in the fridge.
2. You pay $35 for an Uber that travels a city block
There are a couple of classic excuses for this lapse in judgement: one, you wanted to be there immediately. Alcohol numbed your patience. Two, you didn't know where you were going and preferred the Uber driver handle the navigation.
This is especially necessary if you were below the grid in the East Village or in Brooklyn. Who needs to look at maps when you can chill in the back of a car and let someone else worry about directions?
The other excuse is: it was cold, and you were drunk. #YOLO
3. Two words: DOLLAR SLICES
Did you need to eat six dollar slices after the bar? Probably not. Did you need to also buy six dollar slices for the guy you were planning to bang? Yeah, also, probably not.
The worst part is that one of the slices fell on the floor, and you ate it anyway. You're probably going to feel kinda bad about yourself in the morning after this one. Oh well. Brush your teeth super well. Go to an exercise class this week. No matter what anyone says, you're a rockstar still.
4. After a night out, you take your heels off and walk home barefoot
So you either love being tall, you saw the episode of Mixology where Bruce proclaims girls in flats don't want to get laid, or you went to a club in the Meatpacking District where you can't get in without heels (I'd like to take this opportunity to say f**k you to the female bouncer who wouldn't let me in last year for wearing boots).
Regardless, by the end of the night, your feet ache and you no longer give a shit what anyone thinks about your footwear.
The problem is that this morning, you have several shards of glass wedged into the bottom of your feet. You have to go to the doctor to get them out.
At least you're not the only one, right?
5. You agree to meet up with a guy that you can't STAND sober
When a super annoying guy is buying you shots, it doesn't seem like a big deal to say you'll come swimming in his pool tomorrow. His pool is on the roof of his building, and it overlooks the entire city skyline. How bad could hanging out with him actually be??
The answer is BAD. He's gross, annoying, and doesn't get it.
When you wake up at 9 a.m. and you already have three missed calls from this guy begging you to come over and swim in his pool, the answer is pretty bad. The move here is to simply ignore his calls and texts, even though he'll never buy you anymore drinks and you'll never get to swim in his pool.
It's cool though. There are millions of other guys out there, and you're an all-star. You can make fake promises to get new guys to buy you drinks next weekend, and maybe some day you'll be rich enough to rent an apartment with a rooftop pool.
6. You get in arguments with homeless people
A homeless dude asked you for a cigarette, and you said no. He started yelling at you, and you were drunk. You didn't give a shit that he might have a knife, that he has way less to lose than you. You didn't think of any of this.
[anad2]
Instead, you decided this was the perfect time to scream in his face. You worked hard to earn the money you used to buy cigarettes, so you're not required to give him one. You're offended by his indigence. This is a bad move. An hour and a half later, you're still listening to him repeat the same sentence and all your friends ditched you.
7. You flirt with old guys for bottle service
Why in the world did you think it was worth it to make out with a forty-five-year-old (wearing a wedding ring) in exchange for a splash of vodka? You have no excuse for this, except that you'll probably do it again at one point or another in your life.
Inside the confines of the club, the laws of the jungle change. Inside the club, a splash of vodka is worth more than your dignity. Obviously.
,8. You make out with randoms
During the day, in the sunlight, you're a grownup with a job and an apartment. You pay bills and rent. When the sun and moon switch places, however, you're shamelessly devoted to the party. You're the party's #1 fan.
[anad]
So, okay, you made out with more than one person. You made out with three people, actually, and it was the best part of your night (you blocked out one of these kisses, just heard about it from your friends). Making out is basically like a high-five to you at this point, anyway.
9.You drop marijuana on the floor, all the time
This is the worst item on the list. Blacked-out, you decided you needed to roll a joint. Sometimes you hate blacked-out-you.
When you wake up in the morning and enter your living room to a film of your ground up, extremely expensive marijuana coating your couch and coffee table, you REALLY hate blacked-out-you.
Why would you need to smoke that joint while you were blacked out anyway? You wouldn't even remember, nor experience its effects. You're SURE you smoked that joint and then passed out immediately. At least you can call at get another eighth delivered right to your apartment, but it's still a bummer.
10. You buy extremely expensive shots for people you'll never see again
Oh, you spent $80 on Patrón shots for strangers last night?? Awesome.
You were the hero of the bar last night until 4 a.m., when you left the people you bought shots for and their loving friendship. Chances are you'll never see any of them again.
You'll have the memory of their adoration for your generosity seared into your brain forever, but this won't help you when you need to get your ass out of bed and go to Gristedes to buy groceries, will it?
11. You pay a $20 cover charge, wait 30 minutes for the bathroom, and then leave
You could have peed in your apartment. For free. But you rolled up with a crew, and they all wanted to go to this club for some unknown reason. You pre-gamed hard, so of course you had to pee right when you got there. That's only natural.
However, you were wearing heels and you got shoved six times while you were in line for the bathroom, from every direction. Once a girl started screaming at you, that was it. That wasn't what you wanted your night to be about. You decided to cab it all the way uptown to attend a different party, where you proceeded to puke on the sofa. Ballin'.
12. You ask random people for illicit drugs
Did it occur to you that the guy you asked for cocaine might be a cop? It didn't.
He wasn't, so you lucked out, but during the midst of your hangover it occurred to you that one day, you might ask a cop if he has any drugs, and you'll be in big trouble.
Next time you're drunk you're going to try really, really hard not to do this. You'd love to keep your record in tact, ya' feel me?
13. You do sexual things in bathroom stalls
Giving a handjob in the bathroom stall at the bar was definitely not your best move, but if you didn't do it, someone else would have. That guy was sexy as hell.
[anad2]
Look at it this way. You brought a much stronger game than any other girl who wasn't willing to stoop to this level. Your party game was too hot. You're slam-dunking left and right, you got a good-looking guy interested, so who cares if you got too promiscuous in a bathroom stall?
It's the price you pay for being a dope New Yorker, and now you have an excellent story. Forever.
14. You become best friends with the bouncer
Okay, this one is actually pretty awesome. Making best friends with the bouncer is a great look. But still, you definitely didn't need to give him ten hugs, did you?
If you enjoyed this article, check out the 8 Stages of Drinking With Your Coworkers in NYC!