It is 2017, and of the many controversial trends that are now prevalent in society—hoverboards, matcha, our president—one really takes the cake: f*ckboys.
The only people that like f*ckboys are their own f*ckboy friends. And probably their mothers, but they don’t realize how big their sons spread their f*ckboy egos after they flew away from the nest.
We all know the trademarks of a classic f*ckboy: the “u up?” texts, the references to his college frat, how he never takes you on a real date. But NYC f*ckboys are in a class all of their own.
There are certain characteristics that separate the f*ckboys of New York City from the f*ckboys of the rest of the world. As a species, they’re not necessarily better or worse. They’re just f*ckboys that live here.
Before you fall prey to his charms, take a step back. Take the steps down to the subway. Take the subway far, far away from him. There are like 4 million men in this city. No need to settle for a f*ckboy.
1. He considers himself too good for the subway
He thinks that taking the subway is beneath him (in more ways than one) so he orders car service everywhere he goes. Even though it always seems to be a shared ride on Uber Pool, Lyft Line, or Via.
[anad]
If he *does* deign to take the subway... he manspreads.
2. He rarely traverses boroughs
daddyissues_ Are you ever like "how dumb could I possibly be?" And then you do something worse like bang a fuckboy at 2 am and you're like wow, so there was room for more... #saynotofuckboyz
Whichever borough he lives in, that’s the best one, and it’s the only one where he wants to chill. Yet, if you live in a different one, he routinely invites you to travel 45+ minutes to visit his. After 2 a.m.
Don’t expect him to return the favor and trek all the way to your apartment, though.
3. He participates in SantaCon
Ho ho ho hold up—we are all too old for this. Take off your Santa hat and put down the eggnog. There are better ways to day drink and/or celebrate Christmas that don’t have to do with puking all over the sidewalk while wearing a fake beard.
4. He routinely posts Snapchats of bottle service
We get it, you like Grey Goose with sparklers stuck in the bottles. Or maybe just the girls who bring them to the table for you and the rest of your bros to mix with cranberry juice and bad judgment.
5. He uses the Financial District Snapchat geofilter... unironically
https://twitter.com/ChrisMySass/status/532272862787538944
Every time he’s downtown. “I make it rain!”
6. He hasn’t been to any museums
bx_boy "I paid for them titties! Get your own. Your own ya heard" (Pun voice). Titty bouncing at the #MuseumOfSex #boobBouncyHouse #jumpJump #bustedMyAss #boobDeflated
Except maybe the Museum of Sex. We live in New York. Even if you wait until pay as you wish nights, go.
7. He plays beer pong on the roof of his building in an old lacrosse pinnie
The rooftop of his apartment is legit (it’s not only f*ckboys who can use that word). But the beer pong and the pinnie screams “I peaked in college!” just like the dude still wearing his letterman jacket had the best time of his life in high school.
8. He only gets coffee from Starbucks
hotwaterz #Sayworddd top morning typical New Yorker #starbucks reading paper #newyorktimes #donaldtrump flip stocks and bonds #wallstreet jug n finesse Skeems scams grams get how you get it WORDDD!! #corporatethuggin food for thought #paper #espresso #DopeEO #photoby @boxofficeboom #citylife
Do you know how many other coffee shops are in this city? Try getting your cappuccino with two pumps of sugar-free French Vanilla somewhere else for once.
9. He calls it “Murray Chill”
murraychillin "If you think rugby is hard, try ibanking. I mean the money is good and all, but it's a constant grind. Anyways... The boys are getting laid tonight - put it on my card." #doyouevenliftbro #wharton #rugby #murraychill #boysaregettinglaidtonight #bros #college #upenn #letsgo #letsfuckinggo #fuckyeah #bro #tool #toolbro
Murray Hill is notorious for frat boys and f*ckboys. This is the only way they can make it worse for themselves. (Read the caption of this photo. That's how f*ckboys talk.)
10. And that's where you met him
If you’re hanging out at Joshua Tree or Brother Jimmy’s, what do you expect?
11. He talks about his side gig as a DJ
Whether he’s actually had a gig is debateable, but he still hogs the aux cord at every party.
12. He went to the Women’s March...to pick up chicks
The worst kind of f*ckboy: the wokeboy. (If you haven't watched this SNL skit yet, do it.)
13. He goes to Hair of the Dog / The 13th Step / Stumble Inn / Off the Wagon
the13thstepnyc Half price beer all night. Any beer purchased comes with a free koozie! All shots are also $4 #wednesday #happyhour #thestep #nyc #halfprice #beer #shots
Any of the bars that are puns based on alcoholism and binge drinking are not bars for winners. They are bars for underage interns and f*ckboys.
14. You’re afraid to open any Snapchat he sends you during non-business hours
Okay, this isn’t specific to New York. But if he sends you a Snapchat any time he’s not at his day job, you know it’s not going to be as innocent as a cliche photo of avocado toast. (Actually...it might be.)