Getting wasted on New Year’s Eve is pretty typical. Probably one of the most typical things you can do. Transcendentalists would probably hate it, but whatever, they’re dead.
Anyway, everyone knows that New Year’s Eve is the number one most overrated holiday. The worst part of New Year’s Eve isn’t the overcrowded, overpriced bars. It’s not watching that shiny ball drop. It’s not the preposterous social construct of sucking face at midnight.
Nope, those aren’t the worst parts at all.
The worst part is the day after. You know what we're getting at... that dreaded New Year’s Day hangover.
The worst part is the day after. You know what we're getting at... that dreaded New Year’s Day hangover.
It's particularly devastating because it winds up being a complete waste of a day.
Actually, we lied. The most devastating aspect of New Year's Eve hangover is prying yourself out of Casper mattress to do anything, even if that anything means answering the door for your delivery food.
Here’s a breakdown of the 11 struggling stages of a New Year's Day hangover, the first and worst hangover of the entire year.
1. Wake up, round 1
This is one of the worst moments of your life.
Your head is killing you, you feel like you’re going to puke, your ankle is mysteriously swollen, and you have to pee like a race horse or an elephant or some other large animal that pees all the time.
The peeing was the main reason for you waking up. Drunk sleep is terrible sleep, and having to pee is likely to make you wake up around 7 a.m.
Prying yourself out of bed is painful. Almost as painful as it was when you face planted on the sidewalk last night.
2. Leaving bed
Leaving your bed is particularly devastating if you have a Casper mattress.
Let us explain: If you've invested enough in your own livelihood that you've gotten yourself one of these mattresses, you probably understand that the third of your life you'll spend lying on your mattress should not be taken lightly.
The only way you've been keeping yourself from vomiting was because you were nestled on a perfectly constructed memory foam, breathable mattress.
If you've got to rise from bed to sprint to the bathroom, answer the door for food, or (gasp) venture into the city, you know the struggle. It's wrenching.
3. Pull the trigger
Once you’re in the bathroom, vomit is coming one way or another. Making yourself throw up the morning after a heavy drinking night is essential for survival.
(PSA: we are not condoning learning how to initiate your gag reflex. That is a bad thing and leads to destructive behavior that can erode your throat and even cause death.)
But, if you have graduated college and don’t know how to make yourself vomit to get over a hangover, then you probably did college wrong.
4. Pass out
ladyjade104 #BehindTheScenes at K104 on @dedeinthemornin !!! White Gary asleep during the show! Late night of drinking eh?!?! Lol 😂 #HangoverNap
After pulling the trigger, you go back to your room and pass out again. This is not a good sleep, even with that incredible mattress. It's a miserable sleep.
But, it is essential and we will mention that even an anxiety-riddled hangover sleep on a mattress that's been engineered for the perfect night's sleep is more restful than a non-hangover sleep on a mediocre mattress.
Also, if you haven’t taken Advil or Tylenol or something at this point then you definitely should.
5. Wake up, round 2
The second wake up is possibly worse than the first. The first wake up is a cloud of misery that totally overwhelms you. You are so dazed by the pain in your skull, you don’t really remember the mistakes of the night before.
The second wake up is full of the memories of all the things you did wrong the night before. Did you get a lifetime ban from that club? Did you accidentally mistake a candle for your drink? Did you irreparably ruin things with that special someone by puking in front of them?
It doesn’t matter what exactly you did because it was probably bad and there’s probably a video of it somewhere on social media. Also, at this point you’re starving.
6. Find your three key items
If you lose any of your three key items (phone, wallet, keys) on a regular basis, we don’t have a ton of sympathy for you. Well, if you’re a boy. Girls don’t always have the luxury of pockets, so it’s kind of understandable.
But, if you’re a dude and you regularly lose your three key items, then you are more than likely a dumb person.
Anyway, the morning after a heavy drinking night usually results in a panic stricken race around your apartment looking for these items. Let’s assume you find all three and move on to struggle #7.
7. Get food
Everyone knows that really greasy food is one of the best cures for a hangover. You go and get some food or have it delivered and then you grub.
You grub hard.
Do you eat breakfast in bed? Well, that's up to you, but we'd advise you to proceed with caution. Spilling in your bed can make an already terrible day exponentially more terrible.
That bacon egg and cheese sandwich, though? That is decidedly not terrible. That is divine.
8. Phone a friend
The memories of last night are starting to haunt you and you are terrified of looking at social media. So, you call one of your best buddies to get the scoop.
Chances are very good it will not be good news.
9. Shower/nap
If you haven’t showered yet, do that. Take a long hot shower and sweat out some of the booze. Then, go back to your room, jump into a Casper, and pass out in your towel.
This is hands down one of the best naps of the year.
10. Wake up, round 3
At this point, you start to feel a little better.
Take some more pills and watch a movie or marathon a couple episodes of anything on Netflix. Take your mind off the evils of the night before. It's important that you do this.
11. Hope
This might be the worst part of the New Year's Day hangover, the thought that 2016 will be better than 2015.
Chances are that a year from now you will be on a couch-- or in your bed --super hungover, watching a movie or your favorite show, hoping that 2017 will be better than 2016. That’s a depressing thought. Sometimes hope is depressing.
Someone way smarter than us once said that there can be no true defeats without hope.
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