So, New York City, Valentine's Day is coming up. We know, it's the worst holiday ever.
Luckily, there are ways to cope. At the Bronx Zoo, you can pay $10 to have a cockroach named after your ex. What a brilliant and lucrative idea by the Bronx Zoo, right?
You can also stick with us, and we'll have some fun laughing about why NYC makes us all perpetually single.
Let's face it. Dating in NYC is hard. We vacillate between avoiding dating forever, then thinking to ourselves, "Let's give it a try!" Then we're forced to endure horrible dates with really boring people.
Either our dates are showing up with a bottle of alcohol instead of flowers, or they're "not looking for anything serious." That, or they live in the Bronx and we live in Queens.
You know the struggle. Living in NYC usually means you're going to stay single longer than if you lived anywhere else. Read on to find out why.
1. It's a huge city
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NYC's five boroughs are 304.6 square miles large. What does this mean? Well, you'd think it'd mean plenty more people to date, but unfortunately, that's not how NYC's size winds up working out.
The most common place to hang out in NYC is Manhattan. That means you might wind up meeting someone you really like from Crown Heights, when you live in Washington Heights.
When you live in Harlem and you're hooking up with someone in Brooklyn, it's practically a long distance relationship.
Which, as you can imagine, makes it difficult to actually see someone enough to make a relationship make sense.
2. No one wants to leave their neighborhood
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On the same note, no one even wants to leave their borough. Actually, no one really ever wants to leave their neighborhood.
It's not uncommon to get a text like, "Hope you're in the East Village! I'm bored." When we respond saying, "I'm on the Upper East Side! Feel free to come up here," we're met with no response.
What's with that? Well, maybe we're all exhausted from hustling all day long, or just stepped off the last, exhausting leg of our long commutes, and we just want to chill.
So the idea of getting on the subway to see someone? Not as appealing as our beds! Finding someone to date in your neighborhood? Possible, but unlikely.
3. Too many people
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You'd think that since there are 8.3 million people in the city, that would result in more options for us to date.
False. Since there are so many effing people that live here, we have this weird false sense of security. We think we can be picky.
We don't bother texting back that guy or girl we didn't like that much because there will always be another one... and then another one after that.
This results in us having this strange idea that dates are disposable, so we don't call anyone back, like, ever.
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Oh, you thought Tinder would help the dating scene in this insane city? That's hilarious.
Okay, since most people who get in relationships these days do so because they met on Tinder, so we guess Tinder helps them. However, it doesn't help anyone else.
We're pretty sure Tinder was designed to systematically destroy the hope of everyone who thought maybe they wouldn't be alone forever. Either the people you like don't like you, or you don't like the ones who like you.
Plus, we're betting in the olden days prior to Tinder you'd like, actually go out when you felt like meeting someone. Today, not so much. Today, you stay in bed and swipe, to no avail.,
5. We're all broke
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The New York Times reported last year that the more wealthy you are, the less strain you're liable to have on your relationships.
Which makes sense, actually. Think about the fights you had with your family or significant others. Odds are, these spats would have been soothed with an expensive gift.
So, the fact that we're all paying more than half our paychecks in rent makes it hard to buy shiny gifts for would-be significant others. It also makes it harder to, you know, buy them dinner.
We didn't need to date anyway, did we? We'll just have takeout Chinese food alone. Again.
6. We're statistically less likely to marry
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The New York Times published a map in October that revealed chances of marriage based on hometown. Want to know what happened to New Yorkers?
You guessed it. According to the map, we're less likely to marry than anyone else. Specifically, people from NYC, San Francisco, Boston, and Washington are 10% less likely to marry than the rest of the country.
Why? Well, the trait that correlated with the likelihood to marry was partisanship. Since we're pretty liberal in this here city, we're pretty much screwed.
7. Everyone just wants sex
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Another sad truth about dating in this city is that we're all super focused on our careers.
Since we're all so focused on our careers, and on the hustle (you know about the hustle right?) we spend any moment we're not spending on our careers on, you know, our friends.
Tons of New Yorkers claim they have no time for dating, or they're "not looking for anything."
That's why we all stay single: because we all keep hooking up with each other, without any plan to follow up. We're glad it's not the 1950s because they were super lame, but if it were the 1950s, we'd probably have to get married for that kind of sex.
8. You run into your exes too often
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You thought in a giant city with millions of people you'd never run into that ex who broke your heart?
Adorable. You will run into your ex, and it will not be how you pictured it. Really, we promise. You thought you'd look like a million bucks, and be jamming in the club when you saw your ex?
More likely you'll be right out of the shower in Port Authority, running to make your bus. Once you've seen that ex, you're liable to swear off dating for a while, because you're reminded of what a trainwreck your last relationship turned out to be.
That, or you have a one night stand to make yourself feel better, and everyone knows that rarely ever helps.[Feature Image Courtesy Tumblr]