At approximately 11:21AM on June 29th, I did the most desperate thing a person can do: I Googled how to catch a man. It was only at 11:22AM that I slapped myself in the face, took a tequila shot, and repressed those lonely feelings once more. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder; did Google really have the answer to breaking my relationship dry spell?
I started to read.
After sifting through countless guides, I found a silver bullet. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Inadvertently, I had stumbled upon what was, quite possibly, the WORST relationship guide in the history of time. Caitlin from Utah developed an easy 10 step “manual of foolproof man-catching moves.” It took three read-throughs and three glasses of water just to make sure it wasn’t the 11:21 shot of tequila making this up. Sure enough, it was real.
Tens of minutes were spent pondering what to do with this information. As a writer, I took an oath; never mix up your & you’re. Not exposing this guide would surely cause more undue harm to our society than I’m sure it already has. Here are the 5 things to force your date to admit you to a psych ward, and the ways to avoid them.
1. Incorporate his name into a random song
First of all, this is such an odd piece of advice to give anyone anyways for any reason at all. Imagine, you’re (see I’m following the oath) on your first date. You and your date are in the car on the way to the spot. A song comes on shuffle, something like “Sweet Caroline” or “Jolene.” The Author’s song recommendation, should you pick one yourself, was “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Mis just for reference. Your date says they love the song and starts to sing along. It’s all fun and games until they get to the name part. “Karen, Karen, Karen, Kareeeeennnnnn. Please don’t take him just because you can.”
I don’t know about Karen, but I am tucking and rolling out of that car like it’s on fire. With my luck, I’m surprised I haven’t already gotten the man who thinks that this is a solid move. Just make polite conversation and open the door for her, Richard. Don’t creep her out. Speaking of opening the door…
2. Open his door from the inside of the car
So the singing didn’t scare you off. Fair, everyone gets a mulligan. It's totally fine to play it that way. This very same guide cast down another delightful suggestion. Targeted toward women, this guide suggests that before he gets a chance to leave the vehicle and open your door, you should quickly crawl across him and open his door.
Now, I am all about flipping gender roles on their head, but I cannot think of a time it would AT ALL be appropriate to climb across your date’s lap to open a door. Maybe this is a generational thing, but I have never had a car door opened, by a man or woman, from the INSIDE of the car via reaching around. Men climbing across my lap is an activity reserved for after the date, preferably after a nice meal and no song with my name in it.
3. Tell him he's the strongest
Comparatively, it doesn't sound as bad as lap-crawling or creep-singing, but this is a different kind of wrong. Another sage suggestion from the same author, thanks again Caitlin, is after a hug, assuming you get one after all this BS, to tell the guy you are with (again written for and assuming the readers are hetero women) that he is the strongest guy you’ve been with.
I’m gonna stop ya right there, Caitlin. That is extremely problematic in so many ways it hurts me physically.
First of all, not every man, hetero or otherwise, has this conflated view of masculinity where being “tough or strong” is the most important thing.
Second of all, don’t lie to the man. He could be a string bean and you can love him just the same.
Thirdly, don’t EVER make yourself seem weaker to build someone else up. That goes for men and women in all relationships alike. Women are strong, beautiful, fierce creatures who shouldn’t have to lower themselves to make a man feel better. Any man would be lucky to have a morally and physically strong woman. For the men who don’t like “strong” women, I cordially invite you to continue to spend the rest of your Saturday nights alone, playing video games, and jerking off in your mother’s basement.
Let’s move on shall we?
4. Sit on opposite sides of the room
Oh Caitlin, I almost feel sorry that you think this needs to happen to capture a man’s attention. I will give you that people do want what they can’t have. That bit is true. However, this statement merits further dissection. This tactic only works assuming your coy smile is enough to steal a guy away from his friends and a mug of beer, that men are even looking in your general direction, or are even able to see you from all the way across the room, and you aren’t empowered enough to be roaming the bar freely. I wouldn’t leave a seat at a New York bar for George Clooney in a mankini, so I’m probably not leaving my place, near the alcohol, to go talk to a guy I think MIGHT be cute on the other side of a dimly-lit bar.
Instead of being the “thing” they can’t have, be the person they don’t deserve.
Women are not prizes to be won, Caitlin, or men for that matter. If you focus on being the person they don’t deserve rather than just a thing across the room, you can stand at the bar proudly ordering your $8 vodka soda. And guess what? If you focus on being the best version of yourself for yourself, the guys will come up to you anyways.
5. Don’t kiss a guy until you are officially boyfriend and girlfriend
Last but not least, this. Caitlin, who hurt you? Last time I checked, I wasn’t wearing a habit or being directed in a choir by a Reno lounge singer, played by Whoopi Goldberg. If the first date is going super well, I almost expect a goodnight kiss at the end. That’s just me. Life should be lived on a case-by-case basis. If it’s going well, the mood is right, and a kiss organically happens, DO IT if that is what you want to do, OR vice-versa.
Don’t stop a kiss from happening, or try to start one that isn’t motivated by both consent and the mood of the situation. I can wholeheartedly promise that withholding kissing is not going to be the thing to run this to the finish line, nor the converse. Do you, feel it out, and let whatever happens happen if you are into it.
The moral of the story is, when seeking relationship advice, don’t Google a guide about dating advice from a woman who thinks Utah is the “dating capital of the world.” There is really only one way that’s going. Do me a favor, take advice from the one person who really matters: you.