If an old person calls you “queer fella” it doesn’t mean they think you’re gay, it means they can’t remember your name.
Tim Horton’s is more than a coffee shop it’s a National Institution. And we aren’t quite as nice as you think we are. Welcome to Canada, New Yorkers.
Wait. What? This is a site about New York City. Why are we talking about Canada? We’re glad you asked.
Not long ago, the little island of Cape Breton, Nova Scotia, made huge waves by offering Americans a place to escape to should Donald Trump become President.
Regardless of how you feel about the Cheeto Skinned One, if you’re interested in going to Canada, I’m just the guy to tell you where to go!
Uh, for a visit that is.
That’s another difference between New York and Canada. If someone tells you where to go while you're there, you’ve actually just gotten directions somewhere. In Gotham, being told where to go means something much less pleasant.
Anyway, this story resonated with me because I’m actually from Cape Breton Island. I’ve not only lived in New York City and Cape Breton, but just about everywhere in Canada, coast to coast.
The first thing New Yorkers have to realize, is that Canada is big. Like, REALLY freakin’ big. Like bigger than America, big. It’s YUGE! So you have a lot of choices in regards to where you want to be.
If you’re looking to completely change your lifestyle, then take up the original invitation of Cape Breton Island. Pros include absolutely breath-taking natural beauty, friendly and charming people, and a super low cost of living.
Cons are that you’ll be far removed from clubbing every night, and a Bloody Mary, here made with clam juice, is called a Caesar (yeah, it’s actually better). Also, the Cape Breton accent takes some getting used to. Imagine Cockney English crossed with Brooklyn wise guy and add in a Gaelic lilt.
Pro tip: NEVER pick a fight with a Cape Bretoner. Ever. You could hit one with a truck, and they’ll shrug it off. So that might be a problem with many New Yorkers’ natural biting and cynical attitude.
How about a more urban environment? Toronto is Canada’s most cosmopolitan city, with top-notch museums, a new Opera House, and the best access to Major League sports in the country.
Nowhere else in that nation can hold a candle to Gotham’s energy, and this would be the natural fit for many New Yorkers who want to keep their lifestyles.
The bad news there is Toronto’s sports teams all suck, and they’ve twisted the psyche of the citizens so badly with years of their losing ways that they have been primed to back losers in any and all fields. Need proof? Rob Ford, may he Rest in Peace, was their mayor.
If you’re going for a more old-world feel, check out Montreal or Quebec City. On the best days, it will feel as if you’re in Europe. On the worse ones, you’ll feel like you’re surrounded by a hostile army whose homeland you’ve invaded and done terribly offensive things to.
Oh, and you thought Williamsburg hipsters are pretentious? The millenials of Mon-ree-ALL match them AND add Quebecois French swears as well. “Tabernac!”
Oh, and trust me on this, be careful where, when, and how you say the word “Pepsi.” It’s seen as a slur by some folks there, nearly as bad as saying the N-word. Long story, but trust me on that.
Vancouver is nestled like a jewel in the bosom of where the mountains meet the sea. Tremendous pastoral scenes and REALLY awesome weed await you there (you know, for medicinal purposes). But so does a literal f*ck ton of rain. Like, you’ll be underwater, three quarters of the time.
But while it’s beautiful, the West Coast attitude is literally a world away from New York’s.
If you chose to live in New York because you hate Los Angeles or Seattle, Vancouver is not for you, no matter how pretty it is.
Look, if you want to leave New York, fine. You sure couldn’t do much better than Canada, and we wish you the best of luck. Just make sure you’re not really running from yourself.
New York is the Greatest City in the world, and that won’t change no matter who is President. If you want to leave NYC, then do so, but make sure it’s for the right reasons.
The bottom line here is that this is all quite ridiculous.
Packing up your life, leaving everything behind, and moving to another country when you don’t want to isn’t a realistic option for anyone, no matter where you’re from, especially when there’s an easier way.
If you don’t want a crazed Sunny-D looking, woman-hating, man-child who was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple; an absolute walking disaster of hypocrisy and shamelessness; an incompetent buffoon who would be even richer than he is now if he’d just lived off of the interest of his inheritance rather than make all his bally-hooed “deals” that ruined countless lives; a cheap knock-off of The Thing from the Fantastic Four wearing a dead cat on his head; if you don’t want a tough talking coward who says he will wipe out ISIS but can’t even face a second string anchor from Fox News; if you don’t want him to be President, you know what you do?
You just show up and vote. It’s that easy. After you’ve done that, THEN come visit Canada. You’ll have a great time!
It’ll be YUGE![Feature Image Courtesy SheKnows.com]