So, at one point or another, your parents are going to visit you in New York City. There are a lot of positives and negatives to this.
On the one hand, you really don’t want to deal with your parents. The questions about your job and your relationships are soul-draining. However, the promise of free dinner is always on the horizon.
Is dealing with your parents nonsensical questions worth a free meal?
Well, that’s a question that has been troubling philosophers since the beginning of time possibly, even before the whole chicken-or-the-egg debate started up, and definitely before the tree-falls-in-the-woods debate started up.
All in all, your parents visiting is certainly a sticky situation, but don’t worry, we’re here to walk you through it.
1. Hide everything
Everyone has stuff in their apartment that they don’t want their parents to know about. Sure, some people have super open dialogues with their 'rents about all the bad things they do.
But most people spend their time trying to hide the details of their life from their parents, even after they move away. So, regardless of how open you are with your parents, the first step of preparing for their arrival is to hide everything.
2. Clean up
This may seem similar to step one, but it’s actually a totally different thing. Hiding your vape pen is obviously your first priority over cleaning the scum off of the toilet rim.
But, your mom is definitely going to be salty if the bathroom isn’t up to her standards. The rest of the visit is going to be a nightmare if your mom is bitter after only the first five minutes.
3. Groom yourself
Your half-beard makes you look like a teenage boy who hasn’t learned how to shave yet.
It does not look cool or hip and much like a dirty bathroom, it will wreck your mom’s mood from the start. Clean it up, dude. You’re an adult.
4. Buzz them in
Some parents who have spent their whole lives in some farm town in the Midwest where apartment buildings don’t exist might struggle with this. If your parents have never dealt with the buzz-in system before, prepare to walk downstairs and let them in.
This will be annoying and their visit will begin with your annoyance at their ineptitude. Just reign it in. You've got to deal with the all night.,
5. Choose a restaurant
We highly suggest choosing a very expensive restaurant that doesn’t seem too pretentious. You obviously want to squeeze the most high-class meal that you can out of your parents.
However, if the spot seems too nice, then your dad will start freaking out before you even gets seated. Dads hate spending money. It’s like their number one characteristic.
So, if the restaurant seems like it looks expensive, then it will be a miserable meal because your dad will be furious the entire time.
6. Avoid the questions
The meal is the worst part of the evening. Obviously, the free food is dope.
However, the conversation during the meal is miserable.
When are you going to get a promotion? When are you going to get a girlfriend? Did you register to vote yet? Did you get the flu shot? Do you have health insurance? It just goes on and on.
Anyway, deny and subvert just like Eric Cartman and Tom Brady.
7. Beg for money
No matter how good your job is, you still want more money than you have. That’s like the basic nature of living in a capitalistic society. Anyway, you will try and bring it up subtly at first, but your parents are probably expecting this and they’re going to make you work for it.
Eventually, you’re just going to have to come out and say it, which may be demoralizing, but it’s better than starving or not being able to go out on the weekends.
8. Say goodbye
It’s a mix of relief and, well, mostly just relief. You probably love your parents and were happy to see them, but parents are just like anything else: only good in moderation.[Feature Image Courtesy Instagram]