How do you know you're a real New Yorker? Well, are you certifiably insane? If so, you're probably a New Yorker.
Are you wondering about your "real New Yorker" status? Are you looking for clues about how to spot fake New Yorkers when they're in your midst?
If someone tells you art is a waste of time, that they're "not that interested in food," or expresses any kind of intolerance or bigotry, you can tell them loud and clear: they're not real New Yorkers.
If you were bummed when Ted Cruz called Donald Trump a New York liberal like it was an insult, you're not a real New Yorker.
If you love street hotdogs even if they've been drenched in smog, if you think dollar slices are the most decadent of delicacies, if you believe bodegas are the guiding lights of this thriving metropolis, welcome to New York, it's been waiting for you.
Read on to check yourself. The following are telltale signs you're not a New Yorker.
1. You really want to save money
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Sorry, hate to break it to you, but if you're expecting to put away hundreds a week and get started on your 401k, think again.
More likely, you're going to be wringing your palms, avoiding checking your bank account, and praying you can make your rent every month.
If it's really important to you to have a really thick financial cushion, and you're not an heir or heiress, you're probably not a New Yorker.
Do you blow hundreds on a wild night out even though you're not sure how you'll buy groceries for the week? Welcome. You'll fit right in here.
2. You've never been in a screaming fight
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Oh, really? You hate conflict? You try to avoid confrontation whenever possible? That's adorable.
BEEP. Not a New Yorker alert. For better or worse, we get provoked pretty quickly. Sometimes we find ourselves yelling at someone because they bumped our bag at a subway station. Sometimes we find ourselves yelling because we think we're being scammed.
If you really get down to it, we're sweethearts, but it's as simple as this: real New Yorkers have been in screaming fights, and probably within the last six months. That's all it comes down to.
3. You love 7-Eleven and Dunkin' Donuts
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Were you just so thrilled when you realized you could get a bargain on your 7-Eleven coffee? Do you swear by your Dunkin' Donuts caffeine fix and that flaky French cruller, too?
Okay, we'll stop you right there. Real New Yorkers hate chains, and we think they're ruining our city. Plus, real New Yorkers need more caffeine than the terrible coffee at 7-Eleven and Dunkin' Donuts.
Yeah, that's right. Newsflash: Dunkin' Donut's coffee has a low caffeine content.
New Yorkers drink seven times more coffee than the rest of the country for a reason: we have a high caffeine tolerance. So we don't put up with that sewer water. If we want to save money, we go to a coffee cart. Duh.
4. You're mad about choosing a language on the ATM
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Now, to be clear, we didn't say "you're mad while using the ATM." Plenty of New Yorkers get very mad while using the ATM because we think surcharge fees are bullsh*t.
However, if you've ever found yourself griping about choosing a language for using the ATM, you're not a real New Yorker. It's that simple.
Real New Yorkers are proud-- no, thrilled to be the most linguistically diverse city in the world. We love learning and expanding our minds.
If the words: "This is America, you should speak English," have ever tumbled past your lips, then your world view is small, you should open a book, and uh, oh yeah! You're not a real New Yorker (cough, cough, Donald Trump).,
5. You get surprised about stuff on the street
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Did you see a man walking in the freezing cold in nothing but his underwear and stop to gawk at him? Did you look up from your book on the subway when that insane guy started yelling about eternal damnation?
We do recognize that this stuff is kind of weird to people who aren't from here, but we have to ask: what's the definition of weird? Isn't it stuff that doesn't happen often?
Well, in NYC this sort of thing happens often. We're used to it, so it doesn't phase us.
If you catch someone getting startled by a trumpet player wearing a full pink fur suit on the corner, pay attention. They aren't a real New Yorker.
6. You give up easily
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If at first you don't succeed, do you throw in the towel, eat a donut, and surrender to playing video games for the rest of the day?
Great. Good for you. However, we have to tell you: this is quintessentially un-New York behavior. We're persevering motherf*ckers, and we would never quit doing anything we loved after something so innocuous as a setback.
We handle failures the way cockroaches handle nuclear warfare, as in, we keep on keeping on. Try and tell us we can't. See if we stop. (Hint: we won't).
7. You need lots of open space
We can recognize that lots of open space is... cool. However, we don't need it, and we can definitely live without it.
Well, we have to live without it, so we've adapted ourselves to living without it.
We're also pretty savvy about storing stuff. We know the key: stacking. We often have to use ladders to get down our plates. We have to be careful about what cooking pans we buy because we have small ovens.
If you've ever thought to yourself, "Maybe I'm claustrophobic!" or, "I could never survive without a ton of open space!" you should probably keep an eye on real estate elsewhere. NYC isn't for you.
If you've ever thought to yourself (or out loud), "And it even has a closet!" Welcome to NYC. You're perfect.
8. You would never run anywhere, even if you're late
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Uh, huh. Tell us more. Actually don't. We don't have time to listen to you! We have to go sprint somewhere we're late to!
Real New Yorkers often find themselves at dead sprints on the sidewalk, late again. We obey subway etiquette to the "t", but that doesn't mean we haven't pushed someone out of the way to get on the train.
Hey, we'd rather be the pusher than the pushee, and believe us. We've been the pushee.
If you're afraid to get your hands a little dirty, if you're repulsed by the idea of getting a little sweaty to accomplish something, get out of here. You aren't a real New Yorker.[Feature Image Courtesy The Wall Street Journal]