FML: 9 Reasons We're Really Dreading Swimsuit Season

This Sunday marks the first day of spring... which only means one thing: swimsuit season is approaching. 

For all of us who have been leaning heavily on the fact that we can cover ourselves in generous, camouflaging layers of clothes, it's time to face the glaring fact that it'll soon be simply too hot to stay hidden beneath that sweater. 

Even though we love the summer more than Olaf loves warm hugs, we're just not ready to admit the fact that our winter hibernation afforded us the comfort of a few more pounds than we'd originally thought. 

Don't get us wrong, we love our bodies, but the idea of swimsuit season just brings with it a awfully negative connotation that takes a little jab at our self-esteem. 

Here are some of the reasons why we're dreading swimsuit season:

Fit people

Look we may be confident about our bodies, but there's nobody alive who could look at someone with a perfect six pack or hourglass figure without feeling guilty about the ice cream cone they're about to wolf down. 


Being around parents, half naked

Yes, we know that you birthed us, changed us, and have seen us naked more times than we can count, but it's always a little awkward to bare it all for the first time of the season.

On the other hand, we love our parents, but sometimes it's just strange to see them in nothing more than boardies or a string bikini. 


Swimsuit season means it's time to schedule that bikini wax, break out that razor, and transform yourself from a Sasquatch to a naked mole rat... or something that's somewhat hairless but also semi-cute.

Look, we all know that we don't manscape/shave/wax when we don't have to bare it all in the winter, but in the summer it's time to take care of the winter forest you've accumulated. 

After lunch food babies

This is one reason why the question, "When are you due?" should never be asked to anyone without confirmation of an actual pregnancy. 


Beer bloat

Summer is a time of debauchery in the sunlight. It's also a time where you can wake up after a night of one too many beers to find that your hard earned six pack is covered by a balloon of post-beer bloat. 

Unfortunately, no level of fitness can save you from this fate... just accept it and drink a few more beers. At least then you won't notice it. 


Lack of support


This goes for both the guy and the girls, especially anyone of either sex who has attempted to go for a run on the beach while wearing unsupportive board shorts or a slinky string bikini. 


Heck, even walking is a bit of a struggle. 

Lack of coverage


No, we don't mean those skimpy bikinis or speedos. We're talking about the fact that everything's pretty much out in the open. Swimsuits don't leave too much for the imagination, and it's all made worse when cold, wet, or in the mood

There's just no way to hide it. We'd rather avoid this part of swimsuit season completely


We really don't want to get skin cancer, but we also absolutely hate sunscreen. 

First of all, it's slimy and gross, and we can never seem to manage to cover ourselves completely, leaving a strange, visible gap that always burns redder than a lobster. 


Second of all, why do we need to have someone else touch us in order to protect ourselves from cancer? We get that they now have spray cans, but we're convinced that they simply do not work as well as rubbing lotion on, and they run out in about two days. Waste of money.

Plus, you can always tell when someone's spraying sunscreen, because they inevitably end up spraying it just as the wind blows directly in your face, causing you to inhale scents of chemicals and fake tropical scents. 

Swimsuit shopping

Question: how come a tiny sliver of a swimsuit can cost upwards of $90? And why do bikini sets cost anywhere between $50 and $150? Sure, we'd love the chance to buy one without the other, but we kind of need two pieces to be allowed in public... so why is such a small piece of clothing so pricey?

Guys don't have it any easier. Sure, they may cover more of your body, but they're still crazily expensive. We'll stick to our four year old, faded black suit and call it a day, thank you very much.

Check out 9 Excuses Every New Yorker's Made for Not Going Out on the Town.

[Feature Image Courtesy GaloreMag] 

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