After all that complaining about how weird it was that it wasn't cold this winter, it's now cold this winter... and it's the worst.
Well, it's only the worst if you leave your apartment. If you just stay in your apartment for the rest of eternity, however, you won't have to deal with the cold, now will you?
To help you out with this goal, we've compiled a list of perfectly rational reasons for why you shouldn't ever leave your apartment.
We are excellent justifiers, and also, all of these reasons are perfectly reasonable. Like, those vegetables you bought with your hard earned cash at the grocery store are expiring tonight, so how could anyone possibly expect you to go to the bar?
Yeah, we thought so. Read on to find out why you should never leave your apartment this winter.
1. You're having friends over
linzerl00 if the card fits... 😝😂 #cardsagainsthumanity #yourweirdbrother #cah #funny #funnypictures #instafunny
How could you leave if you invited your friends over? That'd just be rude.
Here's a secret: being the person to throw the Friday or Saturday night hangout means you're the person who doesn't have to brave the cold, the walk to the subway, and the walk from the subway to the door.
Being the person to throw the hangout means you get to sit in your sweats and get all the cards and games out, and send out texts like, "Why aren't you guys here yet?"
Yeah, you will have to do some minor cleaning in the morning, and you will have to sacrifice more of your alcohol than everyone else, but we're thinking in this case, it's worth it.
2. You have the best bed in the world
dreawood Pretty sure he has claimed my bed as his nap spot.
When you have the best bed on the planet-- yes, a bed that's universally comfortable for everyone--prying yourself away from it is like a cruel and rare torture.
Casper spent a year perfecting their responsive, dual-layer pillow, and you spent another hour getting yourself in the perfect position. Why would you sacrifice all the hard work that went into your comfort?
Let's face it. You love your Casper mattress more than you love anyone in the city. Your springy latex, high-density memory foam loves you more than the mean people on the streets, and the people trying to get on the subway before you got off.
We're sorry, but when you've got a Casper, it's pretty much game over for the winter. You'll get back in touch with your friends in the spring.
3. You're in too deep with Netflix
We're talking How to Make A Murderer, Nurse Jackie, Jane the Virgin or even Neil deGrasse Tyson's Cosmos. Maybe you've taken up the reins of The L Word, New Girl, or Orange is the New Black. Oh wait... is that just us?
The point is, it's just so tempting to get so involved in a show during the winter, that you confuse it with real life. It's tempting to get so ingrained in a show, that turning off Netflix to leave your apartment might feel like removing yourself from your oxygen supply.
Obviously we're exaggerating. Obviously you can switch Netflix out for HBO GO, Showtime Anytime, or Amazon Prime. You know what we mean.
4. You went grocery shopping
yummytoddlerfood Here's what $117 bought us today--I do the best I can at our local stores when it comes to organics as far as price and availability goes. Such is the reality in a small town (and they were out of the less expensive organic whole milk so I got 2%). Meals this week: Mon: pesto pasta, poached eggs, spinach salad Tues: tacos with chicken, beans, sweet potato Wed: burgers (meat from freezer), roasted cauliflower Thurs: rice stir fry with tofu, broccoli and carrots Fri: pizza with mushrooms and peppers Sat: breaded chicken nuggets, applesauce, whatever veggies are left! Sun: pasta and meatballs with tomato sauce from the freezer (L eats lunch and snacks at preschool, otherwise there would be a lot more fruit and cheese. The yogurt is all mine if I can help it!) #familyfood #groceries #foodbudget #ynab #pregnancy
For the first time in your life, you acted like a grown-ass adult. You went to the grocery store, and you purchased products to cook with.
After all this responsible behavior, leaving your apartment would just be ridiculous, wouldn't it?
Why would you go to the bar and buy beer when you have a six pack right here, in your refrigerator, free of charge? Why would you go out to dinner when you bought raw meat and vegetables, and you plan on whipping something up like the grown up you've always known you were?
The satisfaction of preparing yourself a snack or a meal, using ingredients you bought, is immense. You can't leave your apartment. You'll miss out on all this pride.
5. You don't need to grocery shop
natsuminyc Like this picture if you could eat sushi every day. Photo credit: @culinarycuriosities 🍴 #natsuminyc #natsuminewyork #newyork #newyorkcity #natsumisushi #natsumi #nycdelivery #nycfood #foodnyc #travelnyc #nycrestaurants #restaurantsnyc #midtown #timessquare #broadway #lionkingbroadway
Okay, so maybe you didn't grocery shop this time around. Still, you don't need to leave. Why, you ask?
Well, we just live in this city where we can have anything whizzing to our door with a couple of taps on our phones, that's all.
You know about Seamless, right? Seamless is perfect for all of us who are way too cold to whip up our own food. Too proud for Seamless? For you people, there's FreshDirect. They'll bring you the ingredients so you can make your chicken dish yourself.
Then, of course, there are a ton of apps that will bring alcohol to your door. It's like the apartment deities wanted you to never, ever leave.
6. You don't need to leave your apartment to meet people
Yeah, we're looking at you Tinder. And you Bumble. Even you, Hinge.
Actually, we're pretty sure no one ever dates without Tinder anymore, so you're practically required to stay put in your pajamas, bundled up on your couch or in your bed, if you're ever going to date at all.
Apparently, these days, one-third of marriages are formed through dating apps, so, yeah, computers are essentially breeding humans.
Creepy revelations aside, we really mean it. You don't ever have to leave your apartment to meet someone new. There aren't just the famous apps we mentioned above. There are plenty of other wild apps for meeting people.
There's Flutter, Wildcard, and if you're a lesbian, Her. Check them out.
7. You never have to wait in line for your bathroom
myhomemypalace Small and simple bathroom .. #bathroom #smallbathroom #simplebathroom #smallandsimple #apartmentbathroom #bathroomidea #bathroommakeover #bathroomideas #blackandwhite #bathtub #bathtubidea
You also never have to wonder how dirty your seat is, or whether you should sit or squat. You know bathroom lines at the bar are a bummer, and bathroom lines at the club are even more of a bummer.
In the bathroom of your own personal apartment, there's no one crying to you about how they were just dumped. Unless you let a random crying girl into your apartment, in which case, we can't help you.
The best part about your own personal bathroom? You can treat yourself to a hot, scalding shower whenever you want.[Feature Image Courtesy Flickr]