New York City is the city that never sleeps... maybe it's because we're more into bumpin' uglies than catchin' some z's.
Sometimes, when you get that feeling, and need some sexual healing, you can't wait to get to your apartment that's more than 45 minutes away.
Valentine's Day is one of those natural, seemingly harmless aphrodisiacs. A lot of cliche things happen. People get engaged, people say "I Love you" for the first (or last time)-- it's a volatile holiday. Anything can happen.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, and you need to find a place suitable for fornication STAT.
Here are some of the spots we'd recommend doing the deed if you don't want to lose the momentum, and we've considered three easy things to consider if you're honestly considering it: ease of access, ambiance of the environment, and the value of the experience itself.
1. An ATM vestibule
hotcupofwalter Perfection 👌 Chandler is me. & I have a date tonight 😱 I'm sooo nervous, I really like this guy 🙈 #Friends #ChandlerBing #MatthewPerry #gumwouldbeperfection
Ease: 5 Ambiance: 3 Experience: 7
There are so many ATM vestibules in NYC. When it's after hours, all you need is an ATM card to that bank to swipe into the vestibule.
It may not be very clean or luxurious, but it gives you a bit of security that you're not going to get mugged in an alley mid-deed.
However, just be aware that you'll probably be caught on camera... and we're not so sure the bank will be as thrilled with your performance as you were.
2. The back of an Uber
durexnetherland How adventurous are you feeling? #durex #carsex
Ease: 2 Ambiance: 5 Experience: 5
Ahh, Uber, the best friend of drunks who have enough smarts not to drink and drive. We're millennials, so we're over the idea of giving a yellow cabbie a first-hand look into our sex lives.
However, we're not above the need for release in the back of a chauffeured vehicle. You don't want to... lose the momentum.
But, not all Uber drivers are going to be down with you goin' down in the back of his/her vehicle, so you could find your ass out on the street without a ride if you're not (and not gettin') lucky.
3. On the subway
subwaycreatures Happy Hump Day! @offthebeatenpath1988 #theressomeoneforeveryone #humpday #subwaycreatures #csc
Ease: 3 Ambiance: 2 Experience: 3
Look, we wouldn't be able to say this list is complete without including the subway as an option... As subway riders, we'd rather lick the subway pole than have sex on or anywhere near the subway.
But sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. It's relatively easy to find an empty car in the middle of the night. Just make sure that the drunk dude in the corner is completely passed out and get your groove on.
However, you'll probably want to get checked for every disease known to mankind after exposing your privates to the cesspool that is the NYC subway system. Hard pass... or just plain hard, who knows. We can wait.
4. MSG during a Rangers game
danklin69 End of the second! 1-0 rangers! #rangersvsdevils #madisonsquaregarden
Ease: 3 Ambiance: 5 Experience: 7
The Rangers will be playing the Flyers on Valentine's Day, so it's a prime opportunity for a sport date with your sweetheart. If you're a sports fanatic like us, you'll probably be more than willing to get it on while listening to the radio broadcast of a hockey game.
However, you'll also have to contend with the number of belligerent fans who desperately need to pee in the stall next to you. Then again, you'll always be able to say you scored at a Rangers game. We'd say that's a win.
5. Port Authority
marceloperezdelcarpio Empty spaces. Port Authority Bus Terminal. 6:30 am. Back in NYC./ Espacios vacíos. #emptyspaces #terminal #portauthority #portauthoritybusterminal #vide #vacio #am #transport #niunamosca #Manhattan #sundaymorning #NYC #iphone6
Ease: 7 Ambiance: 0 Experience: 2
Sure, if you really, desperately feel the need for release, you could always find a secluded alcove in Port Authority... but why would you want to do the dirty in one of the most grimy, germ infested, sh*tholes in NYC?
Yes, it's an option, but we're pretty sure we'd rather never have sex again for the rest of our lives than have sex just once in Port Authority.
6. Times Square
girlintheyellowtaxinyc Check out the public art instillation unveiled today in Times Square. Heart of Hearts made of 12 golden mirrored hearts. Part of the Times Square Valentine Heart Design contest. #timessquare #art #artinstillation #heartofhearts #nyc #valentines #girlintheyellowtaxi
Ease: 3 Ambiance: 7 Experience: 8
Whether you love it or you hate it, Times square is one of those holy grail sex-spots for exhibitionists... not that we'd know, since we're not one, but we'd have to imagine that a crowded, constantly lit and highly patrolled tourist attraction is on the bucket list for many voyeuristic New Yorkers.
Plus, if you're in the middle of midtown (we pity you), you probably have a long way to go to get back to your apartment on Valentine's Day.
If you're going to get it on, and want to have a pretty sick tale to tell, try making love in the middle of Times Square's public art display, but you'll have to be fast... the mirrors offer a sliver of privacy but will also publicize your shaggin' to the masses of Times Square.