New York City is the city that never sleeps... maybe it's because we're more into bumpin' uglies than catchin' some z's.
Sometimes, when you get that feeling, and need some sexual healing, you can't wait to get to your apartment that's more than 45 minutes away.
Valentine's Day is one of those natural, seemingly harmless aphrodisiacs. A lot of cliche things happen. People get engaged, people say "I Love you" for the first (or last time)-- it's a volatile holiday. Anything can happen.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, and you need to find a place suitable for fornication STAT.
Here are some of the spots we'd recommend doing the deed if you don't want to lose the momentum, and we've considered three easy things to consider if you're honestly considering it: ease of access, ambiance of the environment, and the value of the experience itself.
1. An ATM vestibule
Ease: 5 Ambiance: 3 Experience: 7
There are so many ATM vestibules in NYC. When it's after hours, all you need is an ATM card to that bank to swipe into the vestibule.
It may not be very clean or luxurious, but it gives you a bit of security that you're not going to get mugged in an alley mid-deed.
However, just be aware that you'll probably be caught on camera... and we're not so sure the bank will be as thrilled with your performance as you were.
2. The back of an Uber
Ease: 2 Ambiance: 5 Experience: 5
Ahh, Uber, the best friend of drunks who have enough smarts not to drink and drive. We're millennials, so we're over the idea of giving a yellow cabbie a first-hand look into our sex lives.
However, we're not above the need for release in the back of a chauffeured vehicle. You don't want to... lose the momentum.
But, not all Uber drivers are going to be down with you goin' down in the back of his/her vehicle, so you could find your ass out on the street without a ride if you're not (and not gettin') lucky.
3. On the subway
Ease: 3 Ambiance: 2 Experience: 3
Look, we wouldn't be able to say this list is complete without including the subway as an option... As subway riders, we'd rather lick the subway pole than have sex on or anywhere near the subway.
But sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. It's relatively easy to find an empty car in the middle of the night. Just make sure that the drunk dude in the corner is completely passed out and get your groove on.
However, you'll probably want to get checked for every disease known to mankind after exposing your privates to the cesspool that is the NYC subway system. Hard pass... or just plain hard, who knows. We can wait.
4. MSG during a Rangers game
Ease: 3 Ambiance: 5 Experience: 7
The Rangers will be playing the Flyers on Valentine's Day, so it's a prime opportunity for a sport date with your sweetheart. If you're a sports fanatic like us, you'll probably be more than willing to get it on while listening to the radio broadcast of a hockey game.
However, you'll also have to contend with the number of belligerent fans who desperately need to pee in the stall next to you. Then again, you'll always be able to say you scored at a Rangers game. We'd say that's a win.
5. Port Authority
Ease: 7 Ambiance: 0 Experience: 2
Sure, if you really, desperately feel the need for release, you could always find a secluded alcove in Port Authority... but why would you want to do the dirty in one of the most grimy, germ infested, sh*tholes in NYC?
Yes, it's an option, but we're pretty sure we'd rather never have sex again for the rest of our lives than have sex just once in Port Authority.
6. Times Square
Ease: 3 Ambiance: 7 Experience: 8
Whether you love it or you hate it, Times square is one of those holy grail sex-spots for exhibitionists... not that we'd know, since we're not one, but we'd have to imagine that a crowded, constantly lit and highly patrolled tourist attraction is on the bucket list for many voyeuristic New Yorkers.
Plus, if you're in the middle of midtown (we pity you), you probably have a long way to go to get back to your apartment on Valentine's Day.
If you're going to get it on, and want to have a pretty sick tale to tell, try making love in the middle of Times Square's public art display, but you'll have to be fast... the mirrors offer a sliver of privacy but will also publicize your shaggin' to the masses of Times Square.
Ease: 7 Ambiance: 4 Experience: 8
Washer/dryers are a luxury in NYC. There's no way we're paying an extra $200 a month for a washer and dryer in our unit, especially with the number of 24-hour laundromats in this city. But, we digress. Even if you do have a washer/dryer, you can still get lucky in a laundromat when the time is right.
Always wanted to do it on a washing machine? Now's your shot! We're not so sure the vibrations would be worth it, but you can always do your clothes while you're doing the dirty, so it's pretty much a win-win.
Just be sure to hit up a laundromat on non-peak hours... Nobody wants to see your bare a*s near their clean clothes in the middle of the day.
8. Parking garage
Ease: 8 Ambiance: 2 Experience: 5
Do one of you own a vehicle? There are so many self-park parking garages in NYC. All you two lovebirds need to do is glide yourselves into a secluded spot, jump into the backseat and hope there's no camera... or maybe you're into that.
It may not be the most luxurious place to get it on, but it certainly does the trick. Just be mindful of the stick shift/parking brake and the horn, and you'll be fine.
9. A hotel bathroom... that you're not staying in
Ease: 5 Ambiance: 9 Experience: 7
There are so many luxury hotels in NYC, many of which have bathrooms on the first floors. If you can manage to slip past the front desk and security and into an empty hotel bathroom, you've got the perfect (and beautiful) spot for a quickie.
Strut your stuff through the lobby with authority. No one questions that level of confidence, and if you're determined to bump uglies in a five-star hotel, you better act like you own the place.
Once you're in the blessed land of polished marble and porcelain toilets, you better pray some rich dude doesn't need to use the facilities, recognize the sounds of copulation, and alert the front desk. This one is high on the risk to reward scale. You might get handcuffed, but not in a good way.
10. A park
Ease: 9 Ambiance: 7 Experience: 8
Seriously, the amount of bodies we've encountered mid-coitus after sundown in Central Park is staggering. Is no place sacred? Well, that's kind of why St. Francis isn't on this list... it's sacred, and we'd highly condemn anyone who fornicates in a church.
We're going to go out on a limb here and say that most parks in NYC have seen as much action as an hourly motel just outside the city. It's basically the easiest spot for a quick bang whether you come prepared (and by that we mean blanket) or not.
Just be prepared to hear plenty of grunts coming from the hidden spots of other fornicators who are just as desperate for the big "O" as you are.
11. An aerial yoga studio
Ease: 1 Ambiance: 8 Experience: 10
We're just throwing this one out there... because we're not so sure how you manage to get into one of these studios sans instructor, but if you managed to have sex in an aerial yoga studio, you'd be a legend, we bow down.[via HayHayHay]