I know, I know. It's August. You're not ready. You don't want to even read the words "Pumpkin Spice" until Starbucks forces them upon you at the end of this month (when, according to them, it's "fall").
BUT THIS IS IMPORTANT.
It seems that Pumpkin Spice's younger, sluttier sister has stepped out and taken over our seasonal food and beverages this summer.
Her name is Mango, and she is everywhere.
On a recent trip to Trader Joe's, I couldn't help but notice Mango cropping up all over the place. I turned my head and there was Mango mochi (okay).
I perused the cereal aisle and spotted Mango granola (little weird, but sure).
I slipped into a nearby aisle to dodge a shopping cart and saw Mango crackers (OKAY TOO FAR).
There are now Mangos in places where Mangos should never be. And all the while, the baskets full of luscious, actual Mangoes go untouched, unnoticed, and unloved.
I'm not going to lie―I purchased the Mango mochi, and it was, in fact, quite delicious.
But when enjoying my frozen treat I couldn't help but wonder: Am I only enjoying this because Trader Joe's told me I should?
Has the inundation of Mango products brainwashed me into believing that this was something delicious, something that I needed to purchase?
I caught myself Instagramming the box and quickly slapped my own hand away just in time to avoid posting the photo. Phew.
No, I told myself. I will wait until fall to begin Instagramming my food.
That's basically why fall was invented: so people like me could shamelessly post photos of their lattes with hashtags like #sweaterweather with no shame.
I then found myself growing angry.
Who does this Mango think she is? Does she really think she has a chance at dethroning Pumpkin Spice as the most loved/hated seasonal flavor?
No one can hold a candle to a good old PSL. She has single handedly built an empire based on simultaneous admiration and criticism, similar to that of The Kardashians.
But that's where it gets a little scary.
And we have to ask, what in the actual f*ck is Trader Joe's thinking? Are they waging a subliminal war on our palate? Are they stepping on Starbucks' block of faux taste making? Are we doomed to associate sensory imitations as the quintessential flavors of seasons forever?
To that end, what is winter? What is spring? When will they tell us? How will we know?
And what exactly is Mango thinking?
In a recent interview with Mango, she told us, "The summer is my time to shine. My sister gets all the attention during the colder months, and I just got sick of her stealing the spotlight."
We reached out to Pumpkin Spice's rep for a comment, but they declined.
Check out 10 Absolute Best Ice Cold Desserts In Queens.[Feature Image Courtesy Instagram]