Oh, ‘Murica. Oh, politics. Oh, elections, Bernie-bros, flagrantly biased media coverage, rallies, hashtags, mud slinging, and, yes, of course, settling.
Of course, more important than any of this is the unexplored scenario; the mother of all What-if’s?
Quite simply, it would be an abomination.
It would be a cancerous offspring embodying every irrational fear we’ve ever had; a walking, talking tumor spewing viruses of entitlement, racism, classism, and, of course, let’s-blow-our-neighbor-up self-loathing.
Kind of like a dating app we know: Picke.
It’s is the dating app for anyone looking to nail (no pun intended) the dating scene once and for all, with quality dates. It actually lets you swipe with purpose.
How? By never wasting time. By never settling or selling their votes to corporations or bigots.
Picke is the dating app that lets you filter by what you want most out of a partner– things that your parents would probably look for in them as well: their job, body type, and, most importantly, race.
Take a look at what the Honald Clump (or Dillary Trinton) love child would look like. (And trust us, it’s absolutely terrifying.)
1. Don’t just date, discrimi-date
Picke, like Trump, helps you build a wall between you and the people you don’t want to date. It lets you be much more discerning when it comes to dating.
It lets you make good choices. Very good choices. The best choices. They’re gonna be good choices. Yuuge, if you will.
2. Don’t actually focus on what’s important
hillarysvagina This what I really mean 😉😉😉
Much like being with her, you can choose to ignore important issues (like secretly being a warhawk) in favor of the absolute trivial.
Sometimes NoChillary’s like an iceberg – we see just about 10% of it, and there’s the strange, lingering threat of it killing thousands of innocent people in the dead of night.
Be Picke about a strange, orange hue around their face. Or about the size of their hands, the hairsprayed-to-death-tumbleweed consistency of their hair, and, of course, the size of their d*ck.
Being means it doesn’t matter if they’re actually brilliant, compassionate people. You never have to know that about them because you’re looking at what matters on the surface.
3. Being Picke means you never have to justify your opinion
Sure, Hillary’s qualified AF. Sure, Donald’s inept AF. They both have their flaws, but much like Picke‘s preference filters, you can look beyond that and just say, “I really just want to bone a 6’2 dude playing Wall Street who’s about as dumb as he is chiseled on the reg because I can.”
While Picke‘s not the best app for playing rando encounters behind a Bushwick bodega, it’s always going to be up to you on how to use the app. Use it responsibly, or don’t! You never have to have a reason!
4. You can always be Picke about the lesser of two evils
While many Americans have determined that settling for the lesser of two corrupt evils, particularly when one seems to embody the most absolute of all evil, is a necessity, there are still many that seem more determined not to vote for either.
They’ve determined not to settle for the lot they’ve been given in life, and in a world where there are only two “viable” options, they’ve decided to pick up those options and bail. What do we call those voters? Dumb? Ignorant? Petulant?
No. They’re just being Picke.
5. Being Picke means never having to say your sorry for being right OR wrong
As sure as you can bet that we will never see Donald’s tax return, and that Hillary will never say sorry about the unapologetic air of entitlement when it came to breaking Federal laws in terms of campaigning (why did we stop talking about Bill Clinton campaigning at the polls?), those speech transcripts, and that email bullsh*t, you can bet that with Picke there will always be Batman driving around in a pink Lambo because, who the f*ck knows why?