Fall is upon us. It’s the time of year for chunky knit sweaters, pumpkin spice lattes, changing leaves, and... cuffing season.
For anyone unfamiliar with this phenomena, “cuffing season” beings during the fall months, when people who are typically happy to be single suddenly desire to be “cuffed,” aka partnered up in a relationship, mostly due to the colder weather and impending months of indoor activities that occur in winter.
Evasive action needs to be taken to avoid falling into the cuffing season trap. Fortunately, I’m here to help.
Whether you’re prone to succumbing to the must-meet-someone craze yourself, or you’re bound to find yourself on the receiving end of someone else’s fall fervor, there are ways to maintain your single status through this treacherous time.
If you slip up, good luck. We’ll see you in spring, when the frost thaws and everyone remembers that it’s okay to be on your own. Follow these tips for your best chance of survival, and stay safe, my friends.
1. Avoid apple orchards and pumpkin patches
Going apple or pumpkin picking together is like signing a contract in blood: you’re stuck with each other for the rest of cuffing season.
Even if you head to the orchard with friends, the place is going to be swarming with other singletons looking to partner up. Steer clear of anyone offering you a warm apple cider—it’s *probably* not poisoned with love potion, but why risk it?
2. Turn off Bumble
Unlike the online dating scene in June-August, when people are seeking a sexy summer fling, the game gets real when September rolls around. Swiping isn’t casual; every match is on the hunt for their fleece-wearing partner to hibernate with until spring.
3. Don’t post any Instagrams of hot chocolate
Or apple cider, or pumpkin spice lattes, or mulled wine. Sharing photos of these beverages shows that you ~love~ fall. And anyone who’s *really* into autumn is into pairing up for the season. When some thirsty (in more ways than one) suitors slide into your DMs, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
4. Don’t wear flannel
Flannel is the (un)official flag of cuffing season. Wearing it is like placing a beacon on your back for potential mates to train their sights on. No prey survives its hunters by calling attention to itself.
5. Avoid beer/wine/cider tastings
Sure, you found a great deal on pulsd, but so did all the other single New Yorkers in the city. Bonding over one sip will soon turn into plans to go on a hayride together, and the rest is history.
6. Take a friend of the opposite sex to the bars with you
If you want to stay uncuffed this season, c*ck blocking is a must. Remember all those times you were annoyed that everyone assumed you were dating your friend so they didn’t make a move on you? Embrace that now.
7. Tell any potential suitors that you hate cuddling
They will be sufficiently turned off and will immediately abort their attempts to cuff you for any future Netflix binge sessions with hot toddies and freshly baked cookies.
8. Wear a scary Halloween costume
People look for their equals on Halloween—whether that be sexy, quirky, clever, or obscure-reference-to-a-miniscule-pop-culture-phenomena-no-one-else-understands. But who really goes after the terrifying attendees of the costume party?
9. Bring a terrible dish to Friendsgiving
If you've made it to the end of November and you're still unattached, you're almost in the clear. All the desperate folks will be paired up by December, leaving you to your happy single self. One more hurdle: Friendsgiving.
It's simple, really. Pull a Rachel Green and totally f*ck up your designated dish. No one wants to wife/husband up the person who puts beef in dessert (Except maybe Joey. And Ross. But you get the point).
You've made it to December! Enjoy staying in and watching the snow fall without worrying about hogging the covers.[Feature Image Courtesy TVOvermind]