WTF Does It All Mean?! 7 Best Places to Have an Existential Crisis in NYC

New York City's picturesque setting creates the perfect atmosphere for an array of life events: birthdays, proposals, graduations. 

It's also the perfect locale for a good old-fashioned existential crisis. And if you live here, you're definitely going to have your fair share of them. 

It's yet another super fun aspect of your glamorous city life; that, and your crippling debt!

But where are the absolute BEST spots to have your monumental breakdown, you ask? Excellent question.

You're a New Yorker, after all. You're not looking to have just ANY existential crisis. You want to have the BEST existential crisis.

You'd also like to have something really juicy to discuss with your therapist this week.

Read on to discover our top recommendations for your the next time you're pondering the meaning of human existence. 


1. The Jamba Juice in Penn Station 

textsfromyourexistentialist


5:21 p.m. You were maneuvering through a sea of commuters on the way to the train when it suddenly all became too much. 

You duck into a nearby Jamba Juice to attempt to find some peace of mind. As you stare up at the variety of overpriced juices, you realize how easily and entirely you have conformed to the repetitive kind of life you said you never wanted. 

[anad]

You were in this exact train station this time yesterday. And will be tomorrow. And the day after that. Not the day after that though, because that's Saturday. But Monday, for sure. And for how many years will this cycle repeat? 

You absent-mindedly sip your Mango-a-go-go as you trudge to the platform, continuing on your path toward your inevitable demise. 


2. On stage at an open mic night 


11:35 p.m. You moved to NYC to be a comedian because Jerry Seinfeld had a pretty sweet apartment and some nice friends, and you didn't find him particularly funny. So if he could do it, so could you. 

You're up on stage doing your thing in the basement of yet another shitty dive bar, when, for the first time, you truly think about what it is you've chosen as a career path. 

All of these people are sitting here, listening to you ramble, and some of them even look vaguely interested. What made you think you are worthy of their attention? What is even the value in the words you are saying to them? 

You vow to research grad schools the second you get home. 


3. WeWork Honesty Market 

wework


2:26 p.m. You're hitting your mid-afternoon slump approaches, so you head to your WeWork's Honesty Market for a pick me up, a snack stand in your communal work space that trusts that members will pay for their selections when they could very well just take them. 

As you scan your bag of pita chips, you can't help but ponder: yes, you're being honest with your purchase, but are you being honest with yourself? Have you ever been? Do you even like pita chips? 

[anad2]

You look around. Is anyone in this office a truly authentic person? Or are we all just putting on a facade in order to get through the day? 

You're not even hungry anymore. 


4. Final resting pose in yoga class 

textsfromyourexistentialist


10:58 am. Your yoga teacher finally decides to stop torturing you and instructs the class to find their way to Shavasana, aka "Corpse Pose". 

This is highly appropriate, because as you lie there, your breathing labored and heavy, you contemplate the fragile line that exists between life and death. 

What if you are dead right now? Would you even know? Is it all a dream? 

A round of "Namaste's" jolt you from your thoughts. You roll up your yoga mat and continue about your day as if everything was fine. 

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5. Staring up at the big whale at the Natural History Museum 

textsfromyourexistentialist


3:13 p.m. Your mother is in town and insisted on hitting all the touristy spots in Manhattan.  She's taking a bathroom break so you decide to wander over to the famous whale exhibit and take a gander. 

A child scampers past you - were you ever that small? You look up and realize: you still are. 

[anad]

How dare humans to have the audacity to think they are the world's superior beings? The earth is so vast, so powerful, so beyond our understanding. 

Your mom returns from the bathroom and suggests going for ice cream, so you promptly forget the entire thing and shift your thoughts towards those involving hot fudge. 


6. Bed Bath and Beyond escalator 

textsfromyourexistentialist


1:09 p.m. You've just purchased an air conditioning unit for your apartment as well as many throw pillows you definitely do not need. 

As you're making your way upstairs to the registers, your eyes are able to take in the entirety of the store. Despite the fact that you took the time to smell every single Yankee candle, you're suddenly disgusted by the rampant consumerism that is clearly taking over this country.

What is wrong with these people? Don't they know they know that there is more to life than this?

You reach the top of the escalator and consider dramatically flinging the pillows in the air in a beautifully metaphorical statement about our reliance on material goods.

But then you remember that you have a 25% off coupon, and quickly snap back to reality. 


7. In a porta potti at Governors Ball 

textsfromyourexistentialist

You're in between sets at this year's Gov Ball music festival, and begrudgingly head to the "bathrooms" for a quick pee break. 

You close the door and glance around the space in horror. 

What was life before this moment? You can hardly remember. The simple act of sitting atop a clean, porcelain toilet seat seemed so commonplace, so dismissible before, yet you now long for it. 

[anad2]

What else in your life you failed to appreciate? Sunsets? Rainbows? Aesthetically pleasing plates of food that would look great on your Instagram feed?

You "wash" your hands and re-enter the festival, noticing that colors seem brighter now. 

Check out 5 Things Dads Should Stop Telling Their Sons, from a Woman Likely to Date Them.

[Feature Image Courtesy FullMetalPhotography/Instagram] 

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