In the interest of elevating all our lives to a higher level of enjoyment, let's, for a moment, forget about how convenient our lives already are and engage in the inevitably depressing "If Only This Was Real," fantasies of what would make our lives unimaginably easier in the apartments we either currently do or dream of living in.
Isn't it just nice to have a dream?
The truth, however painful it might be to digest, is that what might feel like home today could just as easily be just another apartment tomorrow. You might be well on your way to moving around in a matter of months—weeks, even.
And even if you're staying put for a hot minute, isn't it nice to piece together a little dream of impossibly high standards that we're doomed to abandon the second we start to—or are compelled to—feel like this apartment isn't home anymore?
Isn't it just nice to have a dream?
Thankfully, when it comes to moving in a quick second, we don't need to worry about a clunky AF couch that we have to move down a narrow as hell stairway.
Say hello to Burrow, the modular couch that's easily-assembled, affordable, and stylish with its own hidden power outlet and USB cradle tucked under the middle.
You buy it online, get it delivered right to your door, and it takes 5 minutes to assemble. And if you use the code "SPOILYOURSELF" you get $50 off. BOOM! UPGRADE!
We could all use an upgrade, whether these are real or just science fiction circling the drain before it slides right down the pipe with other farfetched dreams and fantasies.
1. A Roomba... for laundry
Good for keeping the floor clean, not all that great if you're looking to keep your pets calm, the Roomba is one of those stagnant innovations mankind's yet to expound upon.
But where do we go from here?
Parks & Rec's Tom Haverford might have gotten close with the DJ Roomba, and then we incorporated it into beer pong. That's troubling. If something's peak innovation is improving a drinking game, we're doing it wrong.
What about the socks? What about the pants we leave at the foot of the bed? What about the shirts and hoodies that we leave strewn across tables and desks? Where is the Roomba with the mechanical claw scuttling across the floors and picking it all up?! WHERE ARE YOU?!
2. Power outlets we don't have to move to use
How many times have you (or someone you love) tripped over a Spiderman-type power cord trap? In your own home, you say? Outrageous! The sheer level of inconvenience for most apartments’ power outlets’ array is mind-boggling.
Let’s address this, and assume you, like most people, also want a nice couch in your home.
Wait, why are you talking about couches? You don't mean...
*AUDIBLE AF GASP*
Yup. We're talking about the dream of a couch that's functional in more than just the way you sit on it. We're talking about a couch that you can plug your lamp, laptop, Roomba (the one you have, not the one you deserve), phone—anything, really—directly into.
Except, it's not a dream. It's not a fantasy. Its name is Burrow.
The Burrow sofa is an easily-assembled, affordable, and stylish sofa with its own hidden power outlet and USB cradle. Does that sound inventive or what?
3. A Super/Landlord that actually fixes sh*t the first time
Definitely asking too much here, but too often we get the Casey Affleck Manchester By the Sea attendant that either yells at us, can't get the job done, or has a seriously dark back story in which he was responsible for the death of his children than we do the Matt Damon Goodwill Hunting janitor who's one of the greatest minds of our time.
And that's not even the spectrum we want to live on. We need a mathematician almost as much as we need a deeply tormented alcoholic. What we do need?
The heat fixed—the first time. The doors to shut and lock consistently (read: literally every time). Simple things. Is it too much to ask for this to happen like, when we need it rather than a week or two later? Probably.
4. A clap-on bed warmer
We all know and loved the clap-on. But where did it go? Have we resigned ourselves to the certainty that it's a gimmicky relic, lost to the time it was, all hopes and dreams of innovation abandoned?
Let's hope not.
But wouldn't it be nice in the winter to hop into bed, and instead of shaking from the cold you simply clap your hands together and, much like a seat warmer in a car, your bed warms itself up?!
Drawbacks of this are obvious: what about the flammability of sheets? How do you control when the heat goes off? Is there a similar mechanism for air conditioning/keeping the cool side of the pillow cool?
Again, we're not inventors, and this is just a fantasy. We don't have to think about the practicality of any of this. It's. Just. Nice. To. Dream.
5. Pets that walk themselves
Yes, this would put countless dog walkers out of business. But we're talking cats, too. Hell, even parakeets, ferrets, iguanas, small children, etc.
Of course, this too has its own unique set of nightmares that we're hesitant to think about for too long, so we're definitely more comfortable with the fantasy of seeing how this would play out for friends and neighbors with pets than we are imagining the horrors in store for us if our own pets ever learned how to get in and out of the apartment.
6. Furniture you can easily move from apartment to apartment
Do you like moving? Hell no, us neither. The worst part about moving is definitely the furniture. Like, that's obvious, right? It's generally the only thing you can't do on your own. You've either got to shell out money for movers or bribe your friends with pizza and beer for help.
But wouldn't it be great if you could just break down your furniture and put it into small boxes you carry with you?
And no, we're not talking spending hours disassembling a rickety futon with little L wrenches at strange angles, or PTSD triggers of those classically terrifying father-son bonding moments involving hauling an old greasy couch that weighed more than either of you through a narrow door, up seven flights of stairs, and on, and on... you get the idea.
We're talking Burrow—again, not a fantasy. Burrow's a modular couch that you buy online and get shipped right to your door in small boxes. It takes less than 10 minutes to assemble, less time to breakdown, and thanks to its modular design, it fits in whatever living room you're ever going to occupy.
By definition, fantasy is without guarantee. But not only is Burrow not a fantasy, it's not without a guarantee. You get to try it out for 30 days.
If you're not in love with the hidden outlet, the sheer convenience of being able to build it in five minutes, or the fact that you can add as many comfy as hell seats to it as you want or need, you can just break it down—in five minutes—pack it back up into its boxes, and send it back.
7. All stairs turned into escalators
If teleportation is shooting for the moon, then turning every set of stairs into escalators is definitely falling short and settling among the stars.
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