You were a year. For some, a time for celebration and victory and beautiful, wonderful, warm-fuzzy feelings many of us might have shared at some point, but were more than likely forced to abandon due to the hellscape of The Year That Took Nearly Everything from Us.
"Oh, it wasn't that bad. There's always next year to look forward to," they say.
Whoever 'they' are, tell them to shut up. No, really. Even if it's a small child (read: especially if it's a small child).
But 2016 was dark and full of terror. People literally died (okay, so maybe not because of it, but we're still looking to prove otherwise). But people—real people (spoiled co-founder's wife, Jillian Giardullo, among those dearest to us).
Democracy died (okay, so it didn't die either, but if you're going to even start on the "Hillary's emails!" and not circle back to "Oh, shit! Russian hacking!" then you're probs a deplorable).
But without this year, where would we be? Has it not built character? Has it not stirred our souls with the presence of a great terror we've not felt in a long time? If we've not felt something in this year, what will it actually take? A new My Chemical Romance album? Just maybe...
Real talk: Sunday presents two different possibilities. 1) Depending on how we wake up, the nightmare will continue. 2) No matter how we wake up, we'll still ignore the other things we still ignored all year long.
Flint, Michigan. Syria. Election interference. #NODAPL. (Insert impossibly goddamn long list of names of unarmed black men shot by police). Replacing as many Asians as possible with white actors.
Flint, Michigan. Flint, Michigan. Syria. Election interference. #NODAPL. (Insert impossibly goddamn long list of names of unarmed black men shot by police). Replacing as many Asians as possible with white actors.
Sure, our inclination is to say, "No, we'll never forget."
Or, "Here, let me top myself off with some fresh liberal tears."
To the former, you will. To the latter, 2016 ain't over yet...
Of course, if we remember this year, it will be because of the spectacle of it all; the commentary; the sheer disaster of everything. We'll remember the car crash but not the body count.
Unsolicited, unabashedly trite testimonial of the true nature of an awful year? Oh, most definitely. But let's stop pretending we can't wait for this year to end.
We wrote in a fucking dead gorilla for president. We've pitched in for a GoFundMe to protect Betty White. We validated the impossibly vacuous platform of the most singularly vapid white woman we've ever let go viral (Tomi Lahren, the Ann Coulter in waiting).
Oh, and we have fucking Nazis.
But, you know, that's not the point here.
Whatever your feelings on the year on its way out, nobody's captured the true, dark essence of the year than Friend Dog Studios' brilliant trailer, 2016: The Movie.
Replete with screeching sounds, things that go bump in the night, Trumpisms ("I have the best months. People say I am a great year."), and, yes, a decidedly eery vocal track, this trailer is one of the greatest thriller movie trailers we've seen this year (shout out to Jordan Peele's 'Get Out' which is not a parody).
Check it out for yourself below, and grab a bottle of something cheap, strong, and full of regret to pour out for this deathreaming f*ckstack of a year.