In case you missed the 25th Anniversary of the Goodfellas release back in September, real life history has finally caught up with the boys involved in the infamous Lufthansa Heist, one of the largest cash heists in American History.
Yeah, $6 million is a lot of money for any era, but certainly back in 1968 when Vincent Asaro gave his blessing to Jimmy "The Gent" Burke (played by Robert De Niro in the film) to orchestrate the heist at Kennedy Airport (then known as Lufthansa Airport).
If you didn't hear the news, Vincent Asaro has officially been charged with pocketing a cut of that heist, and his trial began this week.
It's one more nail in the coffin of omertá; the mafia code of silence that's slowly fallen away due to the frail psyches of snitches and rats. We're not condoning organized crime or obstruction of justice, but something twisted in us can absolutely relate to Tony Soprano killing Big Pussy Bonpensiero.
He was wearing a wire. Same reason Fredo goes on a long fishing trip in the middle of Lake Tahoe and never returns. The same reason Matt Damon gets Wahlberg'd in The Departed. Two-timing, double-crossing rats.
How have we finally caught Asaro after so much time? You guessed it. A rat wearing a wire.
Now, there are many reasons why you would want to do a power ranking of this film's characters: Scorsese's amazing, De Niro's amazing, the two of them are teaming up with Joe Pesci and Al Pacino for a mob movie, power rankings are pretty awesome in general... we could go on and on forever.
We're doing it now because it's been 25 years since the epic film came out, it's almost Scorsese's birthday, and, well, we want to. But before you jump into it and start screaming, "Why the hell is Stacks Edwards at 22?!" you need to take the following into account:
This power ranking doesn't forgive incompetence when it comes to the execution and aftermath of the Lufthansa Heist. Actually, there isn't a level of incompetence that's forgiven, which is why Lois starts the list off at 25.
Things get pretty predictable at the end, but you might find yourself wondering why peripheral characters that never said a word in the movie are so high up. This list considers power in the family dynamic, the narrative crux of the story, and overall impact on the quality of the film.
We're not math people, but we also considered some variation of a formula that has the significance of the role as determined by the impact of the screen time (what they did with the time they were afforded) divided/multiplied/something-or-othered-by the impact on the plot.
Finally, let's face it, we're going to deal with cultural factors that play into the family dynamic, so there are certain things that we just have to agree as more important than other things.
Things like stirring the sauce.
25. Lois
Oh, Lois. Why did you do everything over the phone? Why did you forget your hat?
We have so many why questions, like, why does she look like Han Solo in this scene?
24. Bruce
Attempted rape is never cool, Bruce. You should be 25, but we still haven't forgiven Lois for that damn hat. Which hat was she talking about? Was it the bucket/fishing hat she was wearing earlier? How is that your lucky hat?
Anyways, Bruce is the scum of the Earth for A) trying to rape Karen, B) pushing her out of the car when the rape didn't go so well.
23. Sandy
WASH THE DISHES. Seriously. What are we, bakin' a cake here?
Say it again, Sandy. Wash. The. Dishes.
22. Stacks Edwards
Samuel L. Jackson... If you hadn't gotten stoned and forgotten to move the truck, you wouldn't be dead.
Okay, not entirely true, but you are the first link in a very weak chain of ineptitude, and that's why you're at 22.
21. Sonny Bunz
wedogangsters "He's treatin' me like I'm a fuckin' half-a-fag or somethin' I mean Paulie this is no way to live. This cocksucker's an arch-criminal." Paulie: "What do you want me to do, shoot him?" Sonny: "That wouldn't be such a bad idea" Paulie: just stares Sonny: "I'm sorry I didn't mean to say that it's just that he's scaring me that's all" #goodfellas #sonnybunz #movie #classic #1990 #lucchesefamily #mafia #cosanostra #mobsters #gangsters #gangster #mobster #robertdeniro #joepesci #thegodfather #frankvincent #rayliotta #martinscorsese
You might have had to look him up. He's here because he let himself get fleeced.
Sure, he was way out of line for bad mouthing Tommy directly to Paulie, but dude, you get the mob involved in your small business just to deal with an unruly customer? Weak.
20. Johnny Roastbeef
misterjustint DON'T BUY ANYTHING #Goodfellas #JohnnyRoastbeef #PinkCadillac #WeddingPresent #JimmyConway #ClassicScene #ClassicMovie #Wiseguy #LufthansaHeist #Classic #ItsInMyMothersName
It doesn't matter if it's a wedding gift for your wife, it doesn't matter if it's in your mother's name. Jimmy says don't flash the money, you keep the money out of sight.
Of course, the Christmas scene at the bar is one of the best scenes in the movie, especially Johnny's stammer-filled exchange with Jimmy.
19. Frankie Carbone
frankbelike14 I fell asleep with the windows open and woke up like... #makethatcoffeetogo #guybuysatwentythousanddollarmink #Iwokeuplikethis #frankiecarbone #freezing
You may or may not have recognized him from his previous work with Robert De Niro in The Godfather Part II. He's Vito's earliest friend in America, the dude who drops the hots he had for the theater chick when Don Fanucci holds a knife up to her throat.
He has two of the better moments in the movie: "Come on. Make that coffee to go," and, "Hey Frank, let's chop him up." Yes, he's trying to make coffee to go after Tommy just gunned down Stacks Edwards, and yes, he was about to get out of the car to chop Morrie up in the parking lot.
And the fur coat he bought for his girl immediately after the Lufthansa heist. That was a big problem.
18. Karen's Mom
"What kind of people are these?"
Early on she tries to warn Karen. Of course, had she seen Henry's necklace on their first official date, she might have stopped Karen from seeing Henry altogether, being Jewish and all.
Then again, Karen would always have been turned on by crime and violence, so they were a match made in heaven.
17. Spider
Spider was slow. Spider kind of stuttered. Spider stood up for himself even after Tommy shot him in the foot.
Spider really wasn't that bad of a waiter, so that's why he sits just inside the Top 20.
16. Henry's Dad
"You wanna grow up to be a bum?"
The most vicious kitchen belt beating of all time? Maybe.
,15. Mob Lawyer
That smile. Is. All you need.
14. Morrie
Morrie, Morrie, Morrie. From the fake wigs, to pestering Jimmy about his money, Morrie is one of the worst people in this movie. Sure, his weakness is pretty staggering. The odds are heavily skewed against him, but every line he utters is solid gold.
"What am I, a schmuck on wheels?"
"Jimmy, I need my money... I am calm. I need my money."
*Jimmy choking Morrie with phone cord*
13. Frenchy
Frenchy was the least incompetent in this whole heist, maybe. He's the one who set it all up. He was the midnight to 8 guy. Security? You're lookin' at him.
12. Michael
We know what you're thinking.
Kid who only really has three scenes in the entire movie. How the hell is he ranked higher than any of the Lufthansa gang? Let us ask you something: Dinner on Sunday, who's stirring the sauce?
Michael is, that's who.
11. Janice
Janice Rossi might seem like just the girlfriend, but she's an integral part of Henry's collapse. Part of you sympathizes with her for how awful Karen was screaming to everybody about how much of a whore she was.
But by the end of it, you know, with every inch of powder dumped into the toilet, you have to wonder if Henry made the right choice.
Kidding. Janice was a home wrecker, and if there's anything you learn about girlfriends in mob movies, is that they're both a staple of and an impossibility for the well-being of a wise guy.
10. Vinnie
Oh, who's Vinnie? Just the guy Jimmy calls to check in on Tommy after he's been "made", except Tommy doesn't pick up the phone. Vinnie does.
Vinnie's the old guy who conceivably calls in the hit on Tommy for disappearing Billy Batts. Vinnie's got a long reach, and yeah, he puts too many onions in the sauce, but he's big time.
9. "Ed"
Now we really threw you on this one.
Ed makes this list because Ed is FBI. He's the cat that basically tells Karen she's useless to them. He doesn't care if Karen goes with Henry unless it makes Henry a happier witness.
That's it. He's a cold man, the kind of heartless, unfeeling type you'd expect from the FBI, and every second of screen time he gets is gold.
Extra cool points for being himself. Literally. Name of the dude? Ed Macdonald. Real life name? Ed Macdonald of the FBI. Yep. Real guy, real story, real dude. #Facts
,8. Tuddy
Just ask Tuddy how many aprons ruined when that guy came to the join bleedin' all over the place (hint: the answer is 8).
Tuddy never does anything wrong, as far as we know. He doesn't screw anything up for the guys, so we assume he died because of, well, he's a huge dude.
But Tuddy gives Henry his start. Gives him the keys to park the Cadillacs. He shows Henry the way into what he's always wanted: to be a gangster.
7. Karen
Karen, Karen, Karen. We love you.
Lorraine Bracco brings the strength to Karen that we never saw in Dr. Melfi in The Sopranos. She's not afraid to pick up the kids and take them to the mistress's apartment to call her a whore. She's not afraid to do a bit of coke.
Why is she not higher on this list? The weakness of the victim. She's trapped in an awful situation, and it'd be hard not to say, "Well, she's psychologically damaged by the toxic relationship she has with Henry."
Except for the whole narration part of it where she says, "Okay, so maybe it turned me on." Or the naivety in not seeing something was wrong with a 21-year old kid in "construction" who flashes big bills and asks you to hide guns. Nope. Nothing wrong here!
6. Tommy's Mom
She's a saint. She's everything you need in this world. We want that painting. Seriously. It looks just like a friend of ours...
5. Billy Batts
ekaze1981 Goodfellas came out 25 years ago today. If you haven't seen this classic yet then go home and get your f*ckin' shinebox! #Salud #Goodfellas #25years #FrankVincent #BillyBatts #DeNiro #Pesci #Liotta #Scorsese #getyourshinebox
He's a made guy, simple as that. He only gets one scene, but it's the best scene in the movie.
"Now go get you're f***ing shine box!"
4. Henry
ricotta_pie I want to thank myself for saving this the other morning, even though I have no recollection of doing so. 👻💖 This looks so Old Hollywood. #rayliotta #henryhill #martinscorsese #1990 #90s
He's a rat. He does a lot of good for the family. He's a good earner. But he's a terrible human being.
We understand: these are two very conflicting ideals-- a paradox, if you will. Shouldn't he be in the 20s? He gets pinched as a kid. He gets pinched as an adult. He gets pinched one last time at the end.
No. He doesn't cause the collapse of the Lufthansa pyramid. He's not a weak link in that chain. He's an embarrassment to the family as a whole, and he violates the trust of everyone he's ever met, but he's got grit, resolve, and that beautiful twinkle in his eye.
There's something very wrong about putting him outside of the top five, so we can't bring ourselves to do it. He gets a respectable-disrespect 4.
3. Tommy
eencizo Mood #mood #bang #tommy #goodfellas #tommyDeSimone #tommydevito #twoguntommy #funnyhow #likeaclown #iamusesyou #mob #mafia
Tommy is number three, but that has more to do with the power and importance of the two ahead of him than it does with any of his personal shortcomings.
He's a really funny guy.
No, really.
But he also kills off some of our favorite characters. Billy Batts, Stacks Edwards, Morrie, and Spider. He didn't murder responsibly. He got carried away, and he paid for it.
2. Jimmy
goodfellas_movie Jimmy Conway played by Robert DeNiro. #goodfellas #RobertDeNiro #movie #1990#Scorsese
Jimmy is the ultimate badass in all of this.
He's got his hand in a little bit of everything, and nobody messes with him. Any one who gets betrayed has good cause for high ranking, and even if Jimmy ended up calling on everybody to get killed, he was still the final word in it.
There are two main strikes against Jimmy. One, he could never be a made guy. That's a limitation we can't argue against. Because he wasn't full blooded Italian, he could never be made, so there were limits to his power.
Two, he betrayed Paulie. He knew better than to go around Paulie with Henry and his connections from Pittsburgh. He knew not to whack a made guy like Billy Batts. He probably never should have put so much of himself into Tommy's volatile little arms and legs.
1. Paulie
Paulie. How could he not be? He was faultless. He was forgiving. He was careful. He was cautious. He was perfect in almost every possible way a mob boss can be, and what did he do wrong? He trusted the wrong kid. He loved too much.
He had that system with the garlic and the razor blades. He had guys running back and forth setting up phone calls for him-- he never talked on the phone! He told Henry to dump Janice-- in the apartment Henry had given her!
He was the rock solid leader every outfit needed, and he didn't do a thing to incriminate himself along the way. His story is the most tragic of them all. He put in every buffer to keep himself isolated from the street level noise, and in the end who pegs him? Ray effin' Liotta.
And now it's all over.
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