Listen up, rookies. There are some things you'll have to learn fast if you want to make it in this city. To start, buy a monthly MetroCard. Just do it.

Now that we've gotten that good and said, let's talk on the real. 

You are definitely going to mess up. That's just the nature of living in this crowded, crazy, turned-up city. 

Our goal is to save you from any new-to-New York destruction, any at all. If we do, we'll have done our job.

So rookies, learn the subway map. It'll be hard, but we believe in you. Don't eat at chains. You're in a city with some of the most delicious food in the universe. 

So we'll say it again. Don't eat at chains.

Read on to find out 9 other slip-ups New York City rookies will inevitably make. Then, don't make them. 

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1. Not understanding the difference between East and West

Too often, new New Yorkers panic when it comes to figuring out the subway. We've been there. You're trying to get to the Upper West Side and you're in midtown. You see a train coming and you know it's going uptown.

Heart racing, palms clammy, you clamor onto a random uptown train. It's several stops later that you fully comprehend, to your immense dismay, that not all uptown trains go to the same place.

Panic settles in your chest because you're going to be super, super late. Next time you'll know that boarding an uptown E train brings you to Queens, not the UWS.

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2. Not pre-gaming before the bar

Wherever the New Yorker is from, shots and beers can be purchased without annihilating bank accounts.

So many innocent NYC rookies show up to the bar expecting to purchase a buzz at the bar. Then they wind up spending $80 on tequila shots, and can't buy groceries all week.

This really only has to happen once for NYC rookies to learn that pre-gaming the bar is as necessary as wearing shoes to the bar, since pre-gaming the bar doesn't cost your right arm.

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3. Clubbing on New Year's Eve

Oh, rookie New Yorkers. We've been here too. We also dropped $150 for entrance to a miserable, packed club with crying girls and predatory guys. We, too, were stepped on by high heels, shoved for the bathroom line, and shoved even worse trying to get a drink at the "open bar."

This sort of situation is only fun with party favors. Even then, your intellect knows things your emotions don't. Your thoughts are sort of like, "I feel great because I'm on Molly, but I know intellectually that this is a completely miserable situation."

We value the health of your brain, your bank account, and your sanity. Don't go clubbing on New Year's. Either go to a party at a close friend's apartment, or get out of the city as fast as you can.

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4. Underestimating commuting time

When Hopstop says it'll take you an hour to get to work, it means it. 

Still, every rookie New Yorker will scoff at Hopstop or Embark and think, "Hmmm, this probably an overestimation. It'll probably only take 45 minutes."

Here's the thing: It won't only take 45 minutes. NYC is gigantic, and sometimes it really will take an hour for you to get from your uptown apartment to your job in midtown.

Also, the subway is like Murphy's Law. 

It knows when you're in a rush, and it will come in hot with a 15-minute delay right in time for your rush. So leave yourself a cushion, alright? Otherwise you'll find yourself tearing down the street at a dead sprint, and you'll still be ten minutes late.

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5. Thinking cabs are always faster

Here's the thing: if it's rush hour in the morning, or 11 p.m. on a Saturday, cabs are not faster. The poor rookie New Yorker too often hails a cab and then sits in the back of the "magically faster" cab, gridlocked in standstill traffic and warding off a panic attack.

If it's a busy time during the day, the subway will just be faster. We promise. If it's between 4 p.m. and 5 p.m., that means it's a shift change for cab drivers, and you won't be able to hail a cab if your life depends on it.

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6. Asking a cab driver to bring you to Katz's Deli on East "Hugh-ston"

This is another mistake the rookie New Yorker only has to make once before he or she is verbally assaulted by everyone around.

It's "How-ston." Say it with us: "How-ston." Now never say it wrong again. You're welcome. 

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7. Boarding the empty subway car

The car is probably empty for a reason. It's probably empty because someone probably pooped or threw up inside of it. We wish we were kidding, but sadly, no. We're not.

The rookie New Yorker's stomach will summersault in glee at the prospect of having an entire train to their self. Then, they enter the car and their nose is completely assaulted by the rankest smell they've ever smelled. It smells worse than they even knew was possible.

This only happens to rookie New Yorkers once. Then, they never get in the ominous and infamous empty subway car again.

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8. Wearing heels out

There's a saying that goes something like this: there are two types of girls; those who leave their heels on, and those who walk home barefoot.

The girl who walks home barefoot will probably spend the next day picking glass out of her foot, and the girl who leaves her heels on will spend her whole week with bruised, sore, painful feet.

Going out in NYC requires a lot of walking. 

After a few nights of pain, New Yorkers resort back to wedges or even flats. In NYC, getting around eventually triumphs over beauty.

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9. Not carrying cash

It's a devastating moment to arrive at a cash-only Artichoke Pizza at 3 a.m. to discover there's no cash in your wallet.

Of course, you'll wind up extracting money and just paying that damned ATM fee, but this whole transaction could have gone much smoother if the NYC rookie just brought cash, right?

The rookie New Yorker will also pay about thirty $30 credit card minimums at the bar before the "have cash" thing really sets in. 

Don't even get us started about cash-only cover charges. Never go to bars with cover charges, but if you are braving the douchery and going regardless, bring cash.

Check out 9 Absolutely Essential NYC Life Hacks.

[Feature Image Courtesy: Instagram]