You know what's the worst thing that could possibly happen when you're out with friends on a Saturday night?
It's when you can't hear anyone because the music's blaring so high, and when you can't move anywhere because everyone's packed in like sardines.
But it's about time we take a stand. Serious, we're done!
We want chill bars with relaxed music played at normal volumes and prices that will still allow its customers to buy groceries in the morning.
So to these 7 overpriced, overpacked, completely overrated bars/clubs, get ready for a classic, ruthless roasting.
1. Beer Authority (300 West 40th Street)
kijung_1029 #fridaynight #beer #beerauthority #manhattan #NY #haveafun #girlsnight
The ambiance here is cool. They have a roof deck, and it's right across the street from Port Authority. So it's temping to hop in right after your out-of-town friend comes in on that bus.
The problem is the absurd prices. Because Beer Authority know you're entering their establishment right after your friend arrived from a Port Authority bus. And you'll have that "Everything in New York City is so expensive!" attitude goin' on.
So, you're willing to cough up $10 for a beer, chuckle, shake your head, and say, "Oh, New York City." But it doesn't need to be like this. Yes, it's actually possible to get a beer for $3 in this town.
So instead, get on the subway with your out-of-town pal and heading to 169 Bar on the LES. Your wallet will thank you.
2. Marquee (289 10th Avenue)
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The guy-to-girl ratio in Marquee is something like thirteen-to-one. Every Saturday. If you're a girl, you won't be admitted in without heels, a tight dress, and only after some flirting with the bouncer.
If you're a guy, we really don't know how you'll get in. You'll probably need to be an expert in voodoo or related to Voldemort. If you're willing to spend $500/bottle, with a two or three bottle minimum, that probably does the trick as well.
3. Gallow Green (542 West 27th Street)
Gallow Green is close to our hearts. And going to see Sleep No More at least once is a decision you won't regret.
But once you've sipped scotch on this admittedly stunning rooftop bar, you don't really need to go back for a second trip.
We're not a fan of coughing up $15 a drink. What else could we buy with that $15? Plenty of things: chicken pad thai, pizzas, cab rides, or three beers at a normal bar.
We're also not a fan of them roping off the spots with the best rooftop views.
Oh, and this isn't the kind of bar where you talk to anyone besides the people you came with. You know, it's much too pretentious for that here.
4. Brass Monkey (55 Little West 12th Street)
priceboywonder Me n the crew we drinking #brassmonkey
Brass Monkey is a blast-- if you get there at 8 p.m.
It's astounding to us the line that forms here by the time the clock strikes 10.
The line is stretched around the corner, almost all the way to The Standard-- filled with quivering, hopeful, just-turned-21 partiers wondering if they'll be blessed with the opportunity to pass through the doors.
Biergarten at The Standard should probably pay Brass Monkey a commission for absorbing their runoff. Since all the people who maintain an iota of dignity and decide they, in fact, don't want to spend an hour waiting in line usually wind up drinking next door.
If that happens to you, make note: Biergarten closes at 1:30 a.m. And don't even try to get a beer without first buying a ticket. It's serious like that over there, don't ask us why.,
5. SideBAR (120 East 15th Street)
eddyram1285 Out of all the hangout spots in NYC, this one is one of my personal favorites (despite the fact I live a few blocks away) Needless to say, this is where my roommates corrupted my mind with my very first Long Island Iced Tea! I'm gonna make them pay! (I'm the only male of my roommates) #picoftheday #eddyrameau #eastvillage #unionsquare #followme #followtofollow #nyc #whydidthathappentome
If you want to run into three guys you hooked up with in college, SideBAR is perfect.
If you want to be shoved into a tiny space with freshly-legal college students who are all desperate to get it in, SideBAR is also perfect.
Finally, if you want to get in a sloppy, drunken fistfight with a Mark Wahlberg look-a-like, you should definitely get over to SideBAR.
But, if none of the above sound appealing to you, you should go somewhere else. And fast.
6. Turtle Bay (987 2nd Avenue)
turtlebaynyc #NationalTequilaDay at #TurtleBayNYC! $20 pregame open bar starts now!! ALL YOU CAN DRINK from 8-11p🍻🙌 #TGIF #fridaynignt #openbar
Are you sitting down, Turtle Bay?
Your open bars aren't worth it. You serve terrible, bottom shelf alcohol in tiny plastic cups. We could have spent $30 literally anywhere else and have gotten just as drunk-- on better alcohol.
Also, if anyone has ever held a cup of alcohol here without immediately getting shoved and it spilling, that person deserves an award. Because we're pretty sure that's never happened. Ever.
It's kind of a turnoff that Turtle Bay's female bartenders feel the need to dance on the bar for tips. But, hey, at least those bartenders are getting paid for it, right? The customers? Not so much.
And ladies, if you want to get up and dance on the bar, that's fine. Do your thing. But for a bar to cultivate an atmosphere where that is all-too-loudly pressured, that's pretty bad.
Bottom line is, if you're looking for a bar with some class, don't go here. Seriously, just don't.
7. 13th Step (149 2nd Avenue)
hfe5 @paulkostabi #13thstep
Here's the thing: it is possible to have a good time at 13th Step.
But if you go here later than 11 p.m. on a weekend during intern season (yes, that's a euphemism for summer), you need to either be on the verge of a blackout or on something good to enjoy it.
We're just saying, shoving your way through a pressed-in crowd of college kids and getting beers and tequila shots spilled on you is really only fun when you're not sober enough to fully comprehend what's happening.
Kidding. That's not fun at any time, on any level, in any state of consciousness.
So, if waiting in an hour-long line and repeatedly stepping in puke sounds fun, you'll probably have a blast here.
And if it doesn't, skip it. Or, just go there on Tuesday nights for dollar beers.