If you're one of those New Yorkers who are lucky enough to live in a doorman building, have you ever stopped to think about all of the dirty lil' secrets he knows?
Like all of the times you came home after a night of heavy drinking with a one-night stand? Or how about the time you stumbled in with 15 people for one of those ridiculous after-parties?
You see, whether or not you remember those nights doesn't matter. Because your doorman definitely does.
In fact, he probably knows more about you than even your own mother does.
Here's 22 moments your New York City doorman puts up with more sh*t than you'll ever even realize.
1. When you parade home in an ungodly state of mind at 4 a.m. with a box of pizza in hand
It's not just any pizza, it's Artichoke pizza...
2. ... And you don't even offer him a slice
3. When you drunkenly confide in the doorman about how your friends left you at the club
And you pretend like it never happened when you walk by him the next time.
4. When you ignore him
A smile and a "Hello!" will go a long way.
5. When your drug dealer stops by for a visit
And yes, they're judging you.
6. When multiple food delivery guys drop by daily because you refuse to cook (or even know how)
Calling it a "Seamless" addiction is an understatement at this point.
7. When your side piece also drops by (who happens to be married)
They see EVERYTHING.
8. When you come home with an absurd amount of shopping bags
Because sometimes you've got nothing better to do.
9. When you bring your dog back home wearing coats, shoes, hair clips and bows
10. When you ask your doorman to walk your dog
He's not a dog walker, yo!
11. And to watch your little brother too
Nor is he a babysitter.,
12. When you have another wild apartment party
Also known as a night of complaints from the other residences.
13. When your one-night stand comes crawling in, only from the hours of 2 a.m. to 6 a.m.
Your doorman thinks you're a total freak, that's just great.
14. When that same one-night stand sheepishly leaves the morning after
Providing great entertainment here!
15. When you fall flat on your ass in the lobby
But trust us, you're probably not the first person your doorman's seen fall over.
16. When your online shopping addiction kicks into overdrive
Someone has to sign for it!
17. When you go out for the 4th night in a row
... And you both know it's overboard.
18. When you get dragged in, completely sh*t-faced, by your BFFs at 5 a.m.
It's pretty scarring for him to have to witness that, don't you think?
19. When you're going through a serious break up
Yep, that's a sympathy smile you just got.
20. When you or your significant other moves out
He'll quietly be picking a side.
21. When you're in another one of your "moods"
One day you say "hello," others you don't, sometimes you're snippy, other times sickly sweet...
22. And finally, when you hand him a really crappy holiday tip at the end of another year
Because we're in NYC... and everyone's guilty of being cheap at some point.
If you enjoyed this article, check out Living With Your BFF in NYC: Your Expectations Vs. the Harsh Realities!
Feature image article courtesy of The New York Times