In New York City, we say a lot of stuff. According to adage.com, NYC has the most millennials in the United States.
Which makes sense, because it's awesome here. And all of the millennials here say a lot of things. We do a lot of talking. After all, we do live in the Age of Connectivity.
Some of the things we say are, "Hey, it's gorgeous out today. Want to walk on the High Line?" with avid frequency. We say, "Yo. I'm hungry. Want to go to the Melt Shop?" pretty often. We text our friends on Thursdays at 3 p.m. saying,"Wanna go to happy hour?"
But of all the things we do say, there are some things we never, ever say. Why do we never say them? They're absurd, that's why.
Just moved here? Want to know what to never say? Here are 15 ridiculous things that no twentysomething in NYC has ever said... ever.
1. "Wanna party in Staten Island tonight?"
Sorry, Staten Islanders. No one parties there. I don't know why anyone would bother to build, lease, and market alcohol on Staten Island, because no one is coming.
Except maybe the people who live there. Everyone loves a convenient bar, right?
[anad]
2. "It’s so cheap here!"
Okay, so maybe someone said this at 13th Step on a Tuesday night. (Dollar beer night!) Or maybe someone said this at 13th Step on a Monday night. ($4 Mondays!!)
But, if you spend your night in the basement of Niagra spending $13 a drink, after you’ve spent $10 to get in the door... this will definitely not be coming out of your mouth. If you’re sane.
If you’re an heiress, you might say this-- but your scale is way different than most New Yorkers.
3. "There are no attractive people in NYC"
Maybe there are no nice people, or no one with a perfect personality... but saying there are no attractive people in NYC is a flat-out lie.
Take a walk down Astor Place at any time of day, on any night of the week, and you’ll see what I mean. Also did you know Taylor Swift lives here? Did you know James Franco lives here?
Have I made my point yet?
4. "I never get catcalled!"
Okay, so maybe a guy said this in NYC once, but no NYC woman has ever said this. I’m usually barraged by at least three catcalls before I can even get to the subway. Thanks for that, by the way.
I almost forgot for one tiny minute that I'm a woman. When I tried to thank the guy shoveling snow outside my building for, well, shoveling, he was like, “Where are you going? Can I come?” So much for neighborly camaraderie.
One of my guy friends told me he got catcalled once, though, so guys are not exempt.
5. "It’s so boring here!"
Sure, there are a ton of possible gripes and complaints about NYC. This isn’t one of them.
Go on the effin' internet and Google [your passion] NYC. Whatever you’re into, there are other people doing it.
Are you obsessed with standup comedy? Great. There are dozens of NYC comedy bars. Obsessed with pickles? Make your way to The Pickle Guys.
There is no excuse for this false statement.
6. "I hate Brooklyn"
Who has ever said this? No one ever.
Maybe the Grinch said this.
No one who's ever been to the Brooklyn Bazaar has ever said this. No one who's ever been to a concert at the Brooklyn Museum has ever said this. No one who's been to the Brooklyn Book Festival would ever even consider saying this. No one who's even strolled through Park Slope would dare think this, let alone say it.
Brooklyn is the gem of NYC, and anyone who disagrees is sadly mistaken.
7. "I love Times Square"
Okay, so maybe I’ve said this. But that was before I moved here.
And before I recognized for Times Square for what it is: the crumbling of culture in exchange for the thralls of capitalism.
Times Square is where culture goes to die. Why would anyone eat at Applebee's when they could walk ten blocks and eat at Lillie's? The world will never know.
[anad2]
8. "Where are all the people?"
Right... no one has ever said this because it’s crowded in NYC. If you haven't noticed.
Oh, you thought you were going to get a seat at the bar at Pony Hour during happy hour? Adorable!
,9. "Let’s just drive!"
Have you heard of the subway? The crosstown bus? The uptown bus? The downtown bus?
One thing NYC has on lockdown is public transportation (its delays are another discussion). That’s the one thing we’ve all got in our back pockets.
No one wants to drive, no one wants to age twelve years sitting in traffic, and nobody especially wants to pay thousands of dollars in parking garage fees or tickets.
[anad]
10. "Seamless is the worst!"
Right, because everyone hates staying cozy under blankets and having buffalo chicken pizza, chicken pad Thai, sushi, mozzarella sticks, nachos, or whatever else you’re into, delivered right to your mouth.
Yeah, that’s completely the worst.
11. "I have so much extra money every month!"
Mhm. At the end of every month I’m drowning in so much excess money I’m always like, how can I spend more next month?
Except... not. Not, not, not at all.
12. "The rats are so cute"
Wouldn’t it be excellent instead of a bunch of likely disease-infested rats we had like... cute, little bunnies running around, ready to play?
13. "I love how slow these tourists are walking"
And I definitely don’t want to punch them in the back of the head! Except... nope.
No one has ever said this. Everyone wants to punch all the slow-walking tourists in the back of he head.
14. "Excuse me!"
Remember that anger we just talked about? We’re not that likely to say excuse me.
I even feel myself angrily edging past people on the sidewalk and I know I’m turning into a grumpy New Yorker, but I still don’t say excuse me most times.
Admit it, neither do you.
[anad2]
15."I made no bad decisions last weekend!"
Because, let's face it.
We all woke up last weekend in the wrong bed, covered in some questionable substance, confused between what happened in our blacked-out state and what happened in our weird drunk dreams.
Oh well... is it Friday yet?
If you enjoyed this article, check out 35 Absurd Things You’ll Never Hear a New Yorker Say!
Feature image article courtesy of Pinterest.