New York City is way smaller than you could ever possibly imagine, I promise. You will date someone, you will break up, and then you will run into him.
It might be on the dance floor at Penny Farthing, it might be on the 6 train on your way to the gynecologist, or it might even be when you’re waiting in line at the pharmacy refilling your birth control.
When you least expect it, it will occur (if you’re waiting for it, it won’t. That’s how it usually works). How will you react, that's the million dollar question.
Read on and discover the 7 fu*kin' awkward stages of running into your ex at a bar.
1. Spot him
The initial sighting is always jarring. You’re squad in with a crew of your friends, slurping a Jack and coke, and there he stands, chugging a Heineken, wearing a sweater you once slept in.
Since there are elephants stampeding through your stomach, trampling your lungs, you turn away, turn back to your friends. You talk about something, anything else. Talk about the weather, for God’s sake. Anything to avoid discussing your exploding, rupturing heart.
2. Talk sh*t about him
Eventually, you’ll point him out to your friends and temper your disappointment that his presence matters way less to them than it does it you. It’s not their blood that’s swooshing in their ears, not their stomachs weathering a grand scale tsunami.
Regardless, everyone you came here with will get a turn to chime in with what they always hated about your ex, and though their intentions are phenomenal, you can’t stop picturing him naked, the super cute line of hair on his chiseled stomach, and their comments are not helpful.
Their comments make you feel like that elephant stampede increased in strength and volume, actually.
3. Get wasted
Didn’t eat dinner? Bad move. Your Jack and coke is gone before you know it, and you’re buying and ripping Jameson shots with all your pals, despite the fact that you only have $320 left in your bank account.
Soon, the alcohol is pumping through your blood. The world grows lighter, more giddy, and starts to gently spin around. Lights and faces blur, and you feel absolutely euphoric. This won’t last when you’re puking in a rando’s bathroom two hours from now, or when you check your bank statement tomorrow morning.
But for now, everything is completely perfect. Being in the presence of your ex is exquisite. Why’d you even break up when he’s so hot? You couldn't possibly remember.
4. Make your approach
You’re feeling perfect, so now is an excellent time to make your move. You zero in on him, him and his tailored khakis, and you’re grinning like you just won the lottery.
Ask him what’s up. Watch his eyes widen as he takes you in. You haven’t checked the mirror in hours, but you’re sure you look hawt.
Acting like a baller in this step is crucial. It’s life and death, actually. Does he ask you about work? Work, well... work is great. Sh*t, you just got a promotion for all he needs to know.
Warning. Do not ask him about his dating life, no matter how badly you want to. Especially if you’re not over him. If you’re weren’t queasy already, finding out he’s dating someone new will send your last shot writhing back up your throat before you can flip your hair and pretend you don’t care.
If he asks you if you’re dating anyone, play it cool, be honest, and remember you’re an all-star. You just got a promotion, remember?
5. Beeline for the bathroom
Do you have to puke?
Nope, not at all, you just need to find out how you look. And when you get there and take yourself in in the mirror, you find out you look gorgeous, of course.
You’re a hot girl in a bar who just had a slam dunk interaction with her ex.
6. Memories come flooding back
As you rejoin your friends, obscure memories start to strike you like lighting on a lake. He’s naked in your arms. Aah. Now you’re horny.
He didn’t call you on your birthday. Oh, yes, now you remember why you broke up. Because he was a complete and utter scumbag in every way.
7. Make him jealous
This douchebag needs to know exactly what he’s missing, and you’re going to show him. Making him jealous is essential.
Picking up guys is remarkably easy for a hot girl in this city, so find the sexiest guy in this bar and get your chat on. Ignore the furious, tiger eyes of your ex. They mean you’re doing something right. Ignore that memory of your orgasm while he was from behind– it’s irrelevant.
Yeah, you know what? Making out with that random guy is a great look.
And leaving with him is an even better one.
If you enjoyed this article, check out the 8 Fawkward Stages of the Walk of Shame!