What If New York City Neighborhoods Were Drugs?

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Disclaimer: I’ve never done any illegal drugs.

Disclaimer: Okay, maybe I did, but we have the first amendment so whatever.

Disclaimer: And we have the Fifth Amendment too... so that’s cool.

Hopefully, those would actually be upheld in a court of law.

I heard policemen like being total dicks and taking away peoples’ constitutional rights if people don’t completely surrender to their whims.

But I mean... some cops are cool. It’s just some are assholes on power trips. But, anyway, here’s what a bunch of NYC neighborhoods would be, if they were drugs.


Midtown = alcohol

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Because midtown isn’t fun if you’re not drunk. Who likes a ton of tourists and a ton of sketchy guys trying to sell you stuff on the street, plus the screaming, soul sucking thralls of capitalism?

Despite all this, I actually think the commonly held assumption that “midtown isn’t fun” is a misconception...

Have you been to Lilie’s in Times Square? Yeah, thought not. It’s gorgeous inside... the ambiance is insane, and don’t even get me started on their buffalo chicken meatballs.

I also love (I mean love) the Heartland Brewery. And there are some pretty great dive bars in the Theater District. But anyway, Midtown is definitely more fun if you’re drunk, so. There’s that.



Soho = ecstasy

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Because being on ecstasy in Soho would be excellent, probably, except I wouldn’t know since I’ve never been on ecstasy in Soho.

Also, there is so much great shit going on in Soho, that even if you’re not on ecstasy you’ll probably feel like you are. From City Winery to McNally Jackson Bookstore, Soho is very excellent. And so is ecstasy.


Meatpacking District = heroin

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Because both the Meatpacking District and heroin ruin lives.

Okay, maybe the Meatpacking District doesn’t ruin everyone’s life, but it’s definitely not my scene. Maybe when I’m rich and glamorous and cool with fake people, I will love it-- but I hope that never happens.


Murray Hill =  MDMA

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Because you never know what you’re going to get with Murray Hill... or molly, for that matter.

When you take MDMA, you never know whether you’ll get bath salts that will completely mess up your day and make you puke all night, or whether it’ll be pure, good MDMA-- in which case, you’re bound to have one of the best nights of your life.

This is the case with Murray Hill, too, of course. Will you get puked on and beer spilled on you and get haunted by college memories of fratty douchebags? Maybe.

Or maybe you’ll spend the whole night jumping up and down and screaming to your favorite song. Maybe you’ll have the best night of your life. You just don't know until you try. Good luck!


East Village = Adderall

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Because they’re both amazing. I love feeling like God, and I definitely feel that way both when I’m on Adderall and when I’m in the East Village.

To the point, fantastic, and exactly what you need to feel like an all-star, the East Village is where I come to rock out, to drink either light or dark beer at McSorley's (and eat a delicious $5 cheeseburger) or perform slam poetry at the Nuyorican Poets Cafe. And yes, I've done that before and it was beautiful.


Prospect Heights = marijuana

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Because I have so much love for marijuana and I also have so much love for Prospect Heights. Talk about chill, relaxed, happy vibes. Prospect Heights and marijuana both cause these.

Want a chill afternoon strolling through some gorgeous brownstones, watching children play in parks, and the sun splinter through the leaves of trees? Then spend a Saturday walking around Prospect Heights. This is obviously even better if you’re high.


Wall Street = cocaine

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Because everyone here is running around like they’re... like they’re, well, on cocaine. Let’s face it-- it takes a ton of energy to keep up on Wall Street and cocaine gives you... a ton of energy.

So is it a mistake that so many of Wall Street’s finest can be caught snorting lines in the bathrooms of many NYC nightclubs? I think not.

If you enjoyed this article, check out What Would Happen If New York City Boroughs Were Social Media Networks!

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