Good morning, sexy.
It’s early, you’re in a bed that doesn’t belong to you, and from the looks of it, you had a great night.
Assuming that the person lying next to you isn’t a longtime girlfriend or boyfriend, you’re probably going to have to shlep back to your apartment, embarking on yet another walk of shame.
Do you really need to be ashamed?
Probably not, but you can’t help feel scandalous, as if you have a big red letter symbolizing "Walk of Shame" printed on your shirt or dress. Here are the 8 awkward stages every New Yorker goes through on his or her walk of shame.
1. Waking up and thinking, "Where the f*ck am I?!"
As your eyes gorgeously flutter open (haha, yeah right) and you feel yourself beneath the sheets, you realize that you are not in your apartment and the person lounging on your boob isn’t your best friend or roommate.
You ask yourself, “What have I done? Better yet, where am I?”
Hopefully this person owns a bed and some possessions, and doesn't have an entire bedroom that consists of only a mattress on the floor. You think, “Eh it could be worse.” Hey, maybe if you’re lucky, there could be some early morning lovin’ in it for you.
2. Deciding what to do about staying or going
Whether the person next to you is a total stranger or your usual late night hookup, chances are that you’re not going to spend the day together.
And don’t lie to yourself: the reality is that they probably want you to stick around even less than you want to, so you’ll have to gather your things, give them an impromptu good morning/goodbye kiss, and high-tail it out of there.
3. Contemplating Uber
You can feel that you’re a total and complete mess right now, so the last thing you want to do is be in the public eye.
What if you bump into someone you know and end up being cornered into explaining yourself? As you walk out the door into the morning light (it burns your eyes!), your first instinct is to look for an Uber.
It makes perfect sense for you to do this because you know that Uber will have you at your door in no time without all the walking and waiting for the subway. Then, you get a forty dollar ride fare quote and think, “Helllllllllll no!”
4. Questioning the meaning of your life
After vetoing Uber, you find the nearest subway station and reluctantly enter. Great, it's a local train, and that means only ten stops to go with no headphones and no company. Alone with your thoughts now, you start to feel existential. “What am I doing with my life?”
“I can't keep doing this.”
“Is this why I don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend?”
“Why doesn’t anyone love me?”
Snap out of it because damn it, you’re young, attractive, adventurous, and you can do whatever you want!