Good morning, sexy.
It’s early, you’re in a bed that doesn’t belong to you, and from the looks of it, you had a great night.
Assuming that the person lying next to you isn’t a longtime girlfriend or boyfriend, you’re probably going to have to shlep back to your apartment, embarking on yet another walk of shame.
Do you really need to be ashamed?
Probably not, but you can’t help feel scandalous, as if you have a big red letter symbolizing "Walk of Shame" printed on your shirt or dress. Here are the 8 awkward stages every New Yorker goes through on his or her walk of shame.
1. Waking up and thinking, "Where the f*ck am I?!"
As your eyes gorgeously flutter open (haha, yeah right) and you feel yourself beneath the sheets, you realize that you are not in your apartment and the person lounging on your boob isn’t your best friend or roommate.
You ask yourself, “What have I done? Better yet, where am I?”
Hopefully this person owns a bed and some possessions, and doesn't have an entire bedroom that consists of only a mattress on the floor. You think, “Eh it could be worse.” Hey, maybe if you’re lucky, there could be some early morning lovin’ in it for you.
[anad]
2. Deciding what to do about staying or going
Whether the person next to you is a total stranger or your usual late night hookup, chances are that you’re not going to spend the day together.
And don’t lie to yourself: the reality is that they probably want you to stick around even less than you want to, so you’ll have to gather your things, give them an impromptu good morning/goodbye kiss, and high-tail it out of there.
3. Contemplating Uber
You can feel that you’re a total and complete mess right now, so the last thing you want to do is be in the public eye.
What if you bump into someone you know and end up being cornered into explaining yourself? As you walk out the door into the morning light (it burns your eyes!), your first instinct is to look for an Uber.
It makes perfect sense for you to do this because you know that Uber will have you at your door in no time without all the walking and waiting for the subway. Then, you get a forty dollar ride fare quote and think, “Helllllllllll no!”
4. Questioning the meaning of your life
After vetoing Uber, you find the nearest subway station and reluctantly enter. Great, it's a local train, and that means only ten stops to go with no headphones and no company. Alone with your thoughts now, you start to feel existential. “What am I doing with my life?”
“I can't keep doing this.”
“Is this why I don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend?”
“Why doesn’t anyone love me?”
Snap out of it because damn it, you’re young, attractive, adventurous, and you can do whatever you want!
,5. Continuously checking your stuff to make sure you didn’t leave anything behind
By now, you’ve checked yourself a dozen times for your wallet and keys.
You wiggle your toes in your shoe to make sure that you didn’t leave your sock behind. The minute you can’t find something, you sink into your seat at the slightest thought of contacting your hookup.
If you have his or her number, you definitely don’t want to be the one to text first, and if you didn’t get that phone number, well, you can kiss your stuff goodbye.
[anad]
6. Realizing you’re covered in hickies
You open your phone’s camera in selfie mode to assess the damage and-- AHHHH-- is that a hickey?! Two of them?! It looks like you’ve been mauled by some kind of terrible, ferocious jungle cat and conveniently you have nothing to cover them with.
Tilt your head over slightly to the right so that your head rests on your neck, and *maybe* no one will notice.
7. Seeing someone you know
You made it almost all the way home, but as you were heading up the stairs of your fourth-floor walk up, you ran into that cute neighbor you’ve had your eye on since you moved in. He or she simply cannot see you like this!
After you got past this person successfully, you ran into that little old church lady that lives a floor above you, and once again, you’ve earned her disapproval.
You admit you’re feeling a little #judged, but hey, at least you’re now free to watch Netflix and sulk into a container of Seamless delivery for the rest of the day.
8. Getting home and locking yourself in your room
You have finally made it through your walk of shame, safely and soundly.
You’ll eventually swap stories of the night with your roommate(s) and nurse your hangovers together, but until then, you'll go your separate ways.
You close your bedroom door, chill out in your own room, and snuggle up in your bed-- the one that you missed oh so much last night.