10 Types of NYC People Who Seriously Need to Chill the Fu*k Out

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New York City can be a pretty chill city.

Well, I guess that depends on your definition of “chill,” but there are definitely a lot of dope things about New York City, and this is especially true when people are nice. When people aren’t nice, it makes things way less fun, and it makes everyone sad. What is there to be sad about?!?

In the words of the great Louis C.K., “everything is amazing, and no one is happy.”

Certainly some people are happy. But some aren’t. And they should relax.

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Here are 10 types of people in NYC who seriously need to chill out.


1. Mean bartenders, baristas, and yoga instructors

This is actually a specific shout-out to the guy at my yoga studio who was too pretentious to tell me where the bathroom was.

You don't need to talk to me like I'm four years old, I'm reasonable enough to understand I have to take my shoes off to enter the yoga room, and I just paid to take a yoga class.

I think I'm entitled to the use of the bathroom. Because you were super mean to me, and acted like showing me where the bathroom is was soo below you, I left without peeing. And I had to pee very badly on my subway ride home.

This general message applies to pretentious people of all sorts: bartenders, baristas, and yoga instructors alike. We can all have much more fun if you're nice to everyone, and treat everyone with a baseline of general human respect.



2. People upset by “Showtime!”

Alright, so here's the scene. I'm on the E Train on my way home from school, and on comes a crew of dudes, one has a boombox on their shoulder, and they're ready to blast some music and swing around the subway poles.

Frankly, I'm delighted. Their music is bumping and their dance moves are excellent.

Really, nothing better could have happened in my life at this moment. Except, there's a girl on the train who's very upset about this, who starts yelling at these guys that they need to “go to school.” This girl obviously needed a hug.


3. Cat-callers

I think the phrase “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” applies here.

Hey cat-callers, when you shout “sup sexy!” at a girl from across the street, what's your ideal outcome of the situation? Do you think it's actually realistic that she would then rush over, thank you for the flattering compliment, and give you her phone number? I wonder if anyone has ever been successful at acquiring a date in this fashion? My guess is no.

So unless you're trying to oppress women with fear and contribute to our being afraid to walk home at night, you should stop. It's certainly a bummer that we're the less physically-strong gender, but that doesn't mean we should have to be scared all the time.


4. The girl who spills her drink on you

It's difficult for me to write about this as a facet of the category “people who need to chill the f out,” because I'm usually the girl who spills her drink on other people.

I imagine, though, that if I were a less clumsy girl and I never spilled anything and then someone spilled a drink on me, I would be pretty pissed off about it. I love having clothes and other accessories that don't smell like alcohol. And with crowded bars and lots of opportunities to get jostled, this is a pretty pervasive phenomenon in NYC.

I especially don't understand people who never spill drinks in precarious drink situations, like in all coffee shops and all occasions in which they're drinking coffee on the subway, but once again, I imagined getting spilled on would be lame.


5. People with zero patience

People on the crosstown bus who roll their eyes when the bus stops for people with disabilities: do you realize you're being an asshole?

This also applies to the grocery store cashier who rolled her eyes at the guy with a cane who needed her to help him carry his bags too. Chill out.

People on the bus-- wherever you’re so stressed about getting to, I promise the stress you feel from being one more minute later doesn’t even come close to comparing to the guy in the wheelchair’s, he’s just trying to maneuver the city, exactly like you are.

I think it would help if we all chilled out a bit and relaxed. It’s awesome that bus drivers are so helpful, that they feel such a responsibility towards this civic service. As a community in whole, I think we should all feel proud rather than annoyed.

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