New York City can be a pretty chill city.
Well, I guess that depends on your definition of “chill,” but there are definitely a lot of dope things about New York City, and this is especially true when people are nice. When people aren’t nice, it makes things way less fun, and it makes everyone sad. What is there to be sad about?!?
In the words of the great Louis C.K., “everything is amazing, and no one is happy.”
Certainly some people are happy. But some aren’t. And they should relax.
Here are 10 types of people in NYC who seriously need to chill out.
1. Mean bartenders, baristas, and yoga instructors
This is actually a specific shout-out to the guy at my yoga studio who was too pretentious to tell me where the bathroom was.
You don't need to talk to me like I'm four years old, I'm reasonable enough to understand I have to take my shoes off to enter the yoga room, and I just paid to take a yoga class.
I think I'm entitled to the use of the bathroom. Because you were super mean to me, and acted like showing me where the bathroom is was soo below you, I left without peeing. And I had to pee very badly on my subway ride home.
This general message applies to pretentious people of all sorts: bartenders, baristas, and yoga instructors alike. We can all have much more fun if you're nice to everyone, and treat everyone with a baseline of general human respect.
2. People upset by “Showtime!”
Alright, so here's the scene. I'm on the E Train on my way home from school, and on comes a crew of dudes, one has a boombox on their shoulder, and they're ready to blast some music and swing around the subway poles.
Frankly, I'm delighted. Their music is bumping and their dance moves are excellent.
Really, nothing better could have happened in my life at this moment. Except, there's a girl on the train who's very upset about this, who starts yelling at these guys that they need to “go to school.” This girl obviously needed a hug.
3. Cat-callers
I think the phrase “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” applies here.
Hey cat-callers, when you shout “sup sexy!” at a girl from across the street, what's your ideal outcome of the situation? Do you think it's actually realistic that she would then rush over, thank you for the flattering compliment, and give you her phone number? I wonder if anyone has ever been successful at acquiring a date in this fashion? My guess is no.
So unless you're trying to oppress women with fear and contribute to our being afraid to walk home at night, you should stop. It's certainly a bummer that we're the less physically-strong gender, but that doesn't mean we should have to be scared all the time.
4. The girl who spills her drink on you
It's difficult for me to write about this as a facet of the category “people who need to chill the f out,” because I'm usually the girl who spills her drink on other people.
I imagine, though, that if I were a less clumsy girl and I never spilled anything and then someone spilled a drink on me, I would be pretty pissed off about it. I love having clothes and other accessories that don't smell like alcohol. And with crowded bars and lots of opportunities to get jostled, this is a pretty pervasive phenomenon in NYC.
I especially don't understand people who never spill drinks in precarious drink situations, like in all coffee shops and all occasions in which they're drinking coffee on the subway, but once again, I imagined getting spilled on would be lame.
5. People with zero patience
People on the crosstown bus who roll their eyes when the bus stops for people with disabilities: do you realize you're being an asshole?
This also applies to the grocery store cashier who rolled her eyes at the guy with a cane who needed her to help him carry his bags too. Chill out.
People on the bus-- wherever you’re so stressed about getting to, I promise the stress you feel from being one more minute later doesn’t even come close to comparing to the guy in the wheelchair’s, he’s just trying to maneuver the city, exactly like you are.
I think it would help if we all chilled out a bit and relaxed. It’s awesome that bus drivers are so helpful, that they feel such a responsibility towards this civic service. As a community in whole, I think we should all feel proud rather than annoyed.
,6. Ex-boyfriends and girlfriends
Can we all agree on this one? I think we can.
Ex-boyfriends and girlfriends seem to be everywhere these days, ruining everyone's fun. In my extremely educated opinion, exes should chill out with deleting and/or blocking from Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.
They should relax on the whole “hooking up with other people” thing, because everyone knows finding out about that is an emotional punch to the gut-- one that may or may not make you want to flip over tables.
They should also stop being at the same places as you, because everyone knows seeing your ex with his arm around another girl at happy hour is never fun. They should also stop acting like you give a sh*t about their lives because you don't, obviously.
7. Clipboard people
Dude, I think it's great that you spent all last year volunteering in a third-world-country, and I'm sure you did it for all the right reasons. I bet you have the best possible motivation here. But you need to not make me feel like an asshole for ignoring you when I'm in a rush and I have fifteen minutes to get to class.
I like to live on the edge, so I'm usually rushing places. I shouldn't have to physically avert my eyes and sidestep you to get down into the subway.
Can we please continue abiding by the social etiquette that dictates that if I don't stop to talk to you, you leave me alone? Please stop forcing your physical presence upon me, and good luck with your fundraiser.
8. Mean grocery store checkout people
I mean is it really so hard to say hi?
Also, I know it’s not that hard to say hi because I do it all the time. Also, I bet saying hi to all your customers would make your job more fun, and make your day go faster.
When you ignore me, you make me feel like shit, you probably make yourself feel like shit (if you have a soul), and you make me not want to come back to your grocery store. I mean it. There’s a grocery store one block from my apartment, and I happily walk five more blocks downtown because the checkout people are nicer there.
Maybe I’m just really sensitive, but like, I would really enjoy someone saying hello to me. Is this me being elitist? I think not.
9. Miserable people
To the girl who screamed something really mean at my friend and me for smoking a joint on the side of the street: cheer up!
We would have given you some if you asked. Weed is pretty great. Just ask the huge crew of dudes blatantly drinking beers and selling weed in Union Square at 1 a.m. on a Saturday. They are very relaxed, and they made me look awesome in front of my ex-girlfriend. You should be more like them.
Did it hurt you to inhale our marijuana smoke? Probably not.
To the woman behind me at Chipotle last week who was super mean to the girl getting her a burrito: you should be nice to this girl. She’s giving you a burrito! And the only thing you’re giving her in exchange is a swipe of your piece of plastic, which isn’t even real.
It’s not money, it just signifies money, and anyway, there’s no longer a difference. It doesn’t matter. The point is that you’d be much happier, and so would the girl who works at Chipotle, if you could just be way nicer. Stop talking to her like she’s three. She’s not your servant.
10. Everyone in my way
I went to Seattle last year, and what astounded me most about Seattle was how slow everyone walked.
Everyone was dawdling, taking their time, looking out at the scenery, while they walked to where they were going. I couldn’t believe it. But, there was a time before I moved to NYC, a time before I knew how to sprint-walk.
My high school friends used to make fun of me for walking slowly, and now it’s completely within the realm of possibility to find me traveling down a New York City avenue at a dead sprint.
When I’m walking fast, it’s super frustrating when people cut in front of me, halt in front of me, and otherwise obstruct my path. We all know the feeling of missing a subway train because you couldn’t stick out your arms and shove away all the people blocking your way to that glorious train.
So, if we could all get out of each other’s ways, that’d be great. But that probably won’t happen anytime soon.
Because you know, NYC is pretty crowded.