Admit it already, winter in NYC sucks.
Your favorite things about the city, like free kayaking at Pier 96, outdoor yoga classes and concerts, picnicking with your friends and playing basketball at the park, have all become distant dreams of a future you're not sure will ever return.
The holidays are way over, but the cold persists-- so you're holed up in your apartment watching movies on your computer for days on end. Which gets old quickly. If you recognize yourself in any of the scenarios below, you're totally over winter in NYC. But that was already obvious. Because winter's terrible.
1. You haven't seen your friends in several months
Even though you text about plans all the time. Your recollections of fun nights out in the East Village are getting blurry. You don't even remember what your friends look like-- except when you stalk on Facebook and summertime nostalgia crushes you.
Memories of free concerts in Central Park and long walks on The High Line bring you physical pain. You used to be able to walk anywhere during summer and the air wouldn't even sting your face.
You miss warm weekends. You miss laughing and splitting pitchers of beer. You long for the days when you used to get hit on by creepy guys and get mixed drinks spilled on your clothes. bBut when Friday night comes and it's dark outside, leaving your apartment just feels like too much to take.
2. You spend more time with your snuggie than other humans
Who needs any other humans when you have a snuggie, anyway?
Your snuggie never complains it's too cold to come over. Your snuggie has no Snapchat, so you don't have to wonder why your snuggie didn't watch your story. Your snuggie doesn't even have a cell phone, so you don't have to worry whether it'll text you back.
You never have to worry about playing “the game” or “coming on too strong” with your snuggie. Your snuggie will never make out with other girls. Your snuggie loves you even when you haven't worn anything but sweatpants all weekend, even with those five extra winter pounds. Your snuggie will never leave you, or beg you to have sex, and it'll cuddle with you all night long.
3. You've gone more than one consecutive day without leaving your apartment
Netflix and Seamless are winter lifelines. You're a Netflix watching creature who wears the same pajamas all the time and dwells in blanket caves. You've watched just about everything on Netflix.
You've smoked a blunt to the face and watched Neil Degrasse Tyson's The Cosmos, which was fascinating sh*t. Your mind was blown. You never knew humans caused wolves to evolve into dogs
You've also exhausted the entire radius of restaurants surrounding your apartment on Seamless, which is cool with you. Seamless was just as fabulous an invention as the light bulb. You haven't exited your apartment in over 24 hours, but it's cool. You live in NYC, so you can get most of life's essentials delivered right to your door.
4. You've unfollowed vacationing friends on Twitter and/or Facebook
Seeing your friends clad in bikinis with glittering, blue water behind them, watching the sun beat itself on their skin causes an ache in your stomach.
Did I say friends? I meant ex-friends. You're angry enough to ask your newsfeed to please not show you any information about these particular friends anymore. You unfollow them on Twitter. You do not want to read about their excursion to the beach while you're wrapped in so many puffy layers you hardly look human.
Maybe once spring comes and you can cross the sidewalk without soaking your feet in an icy puddle, you'll consider speaking to them. But for now, you just can't.
5. Christmas decorations make you furious
The euphoric days when winter was beautiful (!), and Christmas decorations got you excited (!), and filled you with holly, jolly cheer (!) are long, long over.
Christmas and New Year's came and went. They both passed before your eyes sparkling with presents, indulgence, and a New Year's make-out sesh with your hot friend. Now they're gone, and you're still stuck in winter doom. The whole notion of “the holiday season” must have been invented as collateral for having to endure the freezing cold, but what's your consolation for January and February?
All you have to look forward to now is the depression of not having a date on Valentine's Day. But hold out hope, yet, winter warrior. Someone might still buy you one of those big, heart-shaped boxes of chocolate at Duane Reade. If not, there's always Tinder.