Everyone loves eating while drunk, namely for a few reasons. First of all, soaking up all the alcohol before you go to sleep is widely known to quell the horrific morning-after effects of a hangover (and I'm saying this from a strictly scientific standpoint).
Also, food tastes amazing when you're drunk, that's a scientific law. I'm pretty sure Newton discovered that when he discovered gravity, in like, the same day.
Anyway, since food tastes amazing when you're drunk, being drunk in the city with the best food in America is a pretty surreal, hypnagogic experience.
So here it is, my definitive list for the best drunk foods in New York City.
1. Seamless
This is an all-encompassing, amazing option for when you're glittering in the after-effects of a night out on the town, and you've just collapsed on the couch in your apartment.
There are lots of restaurants on Seamless, and they bring delicious sustenance right to your door. All you have to do is push a couple of buttons on your cell phone.
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Seamless really cannot be beat by anyone, except Grubhub-- which is the essentially the same app.
The only thing you really need to do is make sure you stay awake before your food comes. I promise, if you wake up in the morning to realize you passed out before your food even came is worse than any hangover you'll ever experience.
2. Diners
A New York City diner's sheer multitude of options are dizzying: they basically have anything you could ever think of ordering, and their portions are substantial enough to leave you absolutely satiated.
They also have huge glasses of water, which you should definitely indulge in, especially if you're tipsy. Because drinking a lot of water tonight will definitely make you feel way better tomorrow.
They're also, by and large, open all night long-- so rolling up squad-deep at 4 a.m. is completely encouraged.
The best part? They're usually pretty inexpensive. Bottom line is, diners are essentially too good to be true-- except they really do exist. Oh, and if you live on the Upper East Side, order delivery from The Midnight Diner, as they do it for free.
And there is nothing better than free in this town, right?
3. Artichoke Basille's Pizza
This is the staple of outstanding, late-night pizza in Manhattan; some may say better than any pizza you'll find anywhere in NYC.
Artichoke is totally worth all the hype, and absolutely worth standing in those long lines that consistently form on late weekend nights. They're open until 5 a.m., so unless you stay out until the sun comes up, you should be good.
With a ton of different, exciting, and fresh toppings (not to mention a gorgeous, sophisticated atmosphere), Artichoke makes the already near-religious experience of consuming late-night pizza something different, something transcendent.
Personal favorites include the artichoke slice (obviously), vodka pizza, and their rendition of a Sicilian slice.
4. Halal carts
Ahhh, Halal is so delicious.
There's just something about the consistency of their rice, drowned in that delicious sauce, and swirled together with chicken that makes this quintessential after-bar choice so completely satisfying.
It's also super affordable, and these guys are stationed on a lot of street corners, which makes them even more convenient than NYC pizzerias.
5. Dos Toros
Do you like tacos?
I meant to ask, do you have a soul? Well, if you have a soul, you probably like tacos, and Dos Toros has the best, most fresh tacos anywhere in NYC. Slight bummer is that they close at 11 p.m., so you'll probably have to hit up this delectable scene in the midst of your night (that is, in-between bars).
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Pluses include that they have six locations in all different neighborhoods, their prices are super reasonable, and they're concerned about sustainability.
This spot is always a good choice, especially if you're getting tired of Chipotle (who the hell isn't at this point, right?) and you want something more authentic in NYC.
6. Dollar slices
For one of the pieces of paper in your wallet, you can acquire thirty bites of transcendent bits of pizza.
Pizza is life, and when pizza only costs a dollar, life is amazing.
Personally, dollar slices are in the top ten best things about living in New York City.
Don't settle for any of the $1.50 imposter storefronts either-- as it's literally guaranteed that there is an authentic dollar slice joint, just around the corner. That $0.50 will buy you half of your next slice, and let's be real here: you can't be wasting that.
,7. Papaya Dog
All of the Papaya Dogs glittering on the various corners of NYC are so damn inviting; who wouldn't want to answer the tempting call to consume a super-cheap hot dog, at any time of day or night?
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That's right, Papaya Dog is open 24 hours, has lots of convenient locations, and is arguably the most delicious hot dog in the city (next to Nathan's in Coney Island and the originators, Gray's Papaya).
Alright, fine-- when you're drunk any hot dog is the best hot dog in the city, but Papaya Dog is even delicious sober.
8. Joe's Pizza
This is another New York City staple.
West Village residents and bar attendees are obsessed with this deliciously-fresh, flavor-infused, crispy pizza-- and for good reason. Joe's Pizza is an integral part of the reason this city is known for its pizza, but they close at 4 a.m.-- so make sure you leave the bar before they close.
Oh, and they also deliver. Nice!
9. Cafeteria
Two words: Mac Attack.
If you've never had this dish at Cafeteria, you need to leave your apartment right now and head over. It's an absolutely life-changing culinary experience.
They also have amazing, varied and nuanced salads. Side note, I don't know why this restaurant is named Cafeteria, because the vibes are absolutely nothing like a typical cafeteria.
Honestly, the general atmosphere here is really fun-- all of the waiters are really nice, and usually willing to provide top-notch dating advice as well (free of charge). And it's open 24 hours, so you literally have no excuse to not visit here at least once in your life.
10. Veselka
Open all night, and with delicious and exotic Ukrainian food at a reasonable price, Veselka is an amazing choice for late-night munchies.
It boasts an extremely convenient location: right in the East Village, amongst the most chaotic of nightlife and bars (albeit a very calming, relaxed atmosphere inside).
11. The Meatball Shop
Trying to go to The Meatball Shop at 9 p.m. on a Saturday is a mistake, as there's always at least a one-hour wait and they don't take reservations.
To make matters even worse, your entire party needs to be there to get seated, which can be a huge buzz-kill after one of your friends disappeared into Fiddlestick's next door with some guy she likes.
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However, all locations are open until at least 2 a.m., and the Lower East Side and Williamsburg locations are open until ... drumroll please... 4 a.m.
These phenomenally-convenient hours and those heavenly balls of meat make The Meatball Shop a prime stop for some late-night drunk eating.
12. Street vendors
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Whether or not they taste good when you're sober, street vendors always taste incredible when you're cross-faded and munching on a hot dog in the middle of the street.
That hot dog usually tastes like nirvana, how Moses felt when he reached the Promised Land, how musicians feel the first time they sell out Madison Square Garden.
If you enjoyed this article, check out 10 Delicious NYC Spots for When You Have the Drunk Munchies!