Unlike many cities across the U.S., New Yorkers have it pretty damn good when it comes to public transportation. No, the MTA is not perfect (lol), but even having an underground system to get our butts from point A to point B is a leg up on most major cities.
Of course, it’s pretty rare to find a New Yorker who exhibits genuine gratitude for the subway system on a regular basis.
Even though we’d blow major $$$ trying to take a car everywhere and don’t want the blisters from walking even more than we already do, you’d be hard pressed to find us singing the subway’s praises on the morning commute.
It’s so much easier to put the subway down for its (many) shortcomings: the delays, the smells, the overcrowding, and the downright weird sh*t that goes down underground. It can be difficult to phase us sometimes. New Yorkers see it all. But sometimes, there are certain stories that stick with us.
These are the stories that stuck with 16 real New Yorkers. What’s yours?
1. Yes, this is “the usual”
"Just a lot of making out, dudes touching themselves, a homeless man taking up half a car, and screaming at a small child, the usual."
(resident for 1 year, 11 months)
2. Puff puff pass
"When I worked overnight shifts I’d take the subway at 1am on weekdays and one night/morning a couple got in the same car as me, we were the only three people in there, and they laid flat on the subway seats, legs up on the bars, pulled out a joint and starting smoking it.
[anad]
When they finished, they got out a jar of peanut butter and starting eating it with their fingers."
(resident for 3 ½ years)
3. Yeah you better run
"I saw a showtime performer kick a mother with a stroller in the face once. He apologized and immediately stopped and switched subway cars."
(resident for 2 years)
4. Seriously these dancers should have a license
"I saw one of those dudeds dancing kick a woman in the face. He was flipping on the overhead pole and as he went up this lady stood up and got hit. Her nose started bleeding and he stopped to apologize but his bombastic music kept playing which made it funny."
(resident for 28 years, born and raised)
5. When it’s not SHOWTIME, no one gets kicked
"One time I was standing on a fully-lit, populated subway platform and a man dropped his pants to his ankles in full view, squatted, and took a shit on the floor.
One time on I saw a guy genuinely enjoying his snack, which was lined paper. Once I rode the train and there WEREN'T shirtless kids acrobat-ing on the poles. Best day of my life."
(resident for 7 years)
6. Only in New York are these things considered “normal”
"I got screamed at once to 'go back to Russia and lick Putin's asshole' and this was before the presidential election campaigns. Otherwise it's just the normal stuff, like people basically fucking, someone pooping, a screaming woman, etc."
(resident for 1 year, 3 months)
7. The morning 4/5/6 really is the worst though
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"Some lady screamed 'You're a f*cking b*tch wh*re sl*t,' to my face for 15 minutes when we were stuck underground and I couldn't move because it was a sardines 4 train."
(resident for 1 year, 11 months)
8. Sounds like identity theft (and bad judgment)
"On a ride in from Rockaway, I had a guy sit next to me, light a cigarette, and start chain smoking while screaming 'I am Nicki Minaj, bitch. I do what I want. I am Nicki Minaj,' to all of the people staring at him."
(resident for 7 years)
9. This is the kind of unity our country needs
"On a packed train. My friend and I start moo-ing (because we're packed in like cattle). The rest of train joins in. Epic."
(resident for 1 year)
10. It’s a classic!
"There was this one subway ride this old Asian woman kept asking everyone in the subway car if they had heard the song 'Sweet Home Alabama' and if they said yes she'd go 'great song' then ask the next person."
(resident for 5 years)
11. Better get that treated
"Someone once literally walked by me and my friend with an open wound and said they had AIDS."
(resident for 26 years, born and raised)
12. Right because only nudity is crazy
"I saw a person having a drug overdose episode. I haven’t seen anything too crazy, like I’ve never seen a dick."
(resident for 3 years, 2 months)
13. Maybe he gave up sucking his thumb?
"A guy took his shoe off and started sucking on his toe."
(resident for 2 years)
14. You gave this man your number why?
"A man who just came from an orgy who didn't have a shirt on but had this shearling jacket (in the dead of winter) talked to me and my friend on the train asking us to envision a box and a horse (that test I can't remember what it's called)*.
He got my number and texted me after to 'give me my test result' but I think he hit on me after."
*Test can be found here
(resident for 1 year, 11 months)
15. First step is admitting you have problem
"In over two years of commuting via the MTA, I've certainly seen my share of strange things on the subway. But I honestly think the weirdest and most embarrassing character I've encountered was myself.
[anad2]
Apparently, when I drink a lot, I like to talk to my boyfriend about... sex. Loudly. And on one particular evening, on a packed 7 train headed home, I screamed, 'I'll suck YOUR dick!' out of nowhere in our conversation. Every passenger on the train had their eyes on me, and my boyfriend, stunned, whispered, 'That was SO loud.'"
(resident for 2 years)
16. No one asked for it
"It's always funny to me when those show time pole dancer guys shout at people for "enjoying" their performance and then not tipping them. Like bro, I didn't ask for it. I didn't enjoy it."
(resident for 6 years)
[Feature Image Courtesy College Humor]