We all saw the election results map right? The middle of the country was a block of red, like, literally a sea of Trump supporters. Frightening, I know.
The election results can’t be changed, but that doesn’t mean things aren’t still tense. The Trump supporters that actually agreed with his bigoted remarks have come out in full force, as proven by this harassment Twitter thread.
This has happened in blue states as well, but it couldn’t hurt to just avoid the concentrated areas.
But what about all of the rich cultural experiences of middle ‘merica that you’ll be missing? We got you covered.
Here’s your go-to list of middle ‘merica-inspired activities right here in NYC, so you never, ever have to actually go to the real deal.
1. West Side Rifle and Pistol Range (20 West 20th Street)
Everyone knows that Americans love their guns. Now you can too!
Just don’t do that shoot-in-the-air thing from the movies at this small range.
2. Trailer Park Lounge (271 West 23rd Street)
The saying goes ‘always classy, never trashy,’ but trashiness is one of the tenets of our great country. Come to this bar that actually has the facade of a motor home inside, and don’t forget to get champagne in a can.
3. Oculus (21 Dey Street)
One word: malls. The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota is just one example of the middle of the country’s love of shopping malls. NYC is known for its shopping, but not its malls.
Luckily, the beautiful Oculus supports these mid-American archetypes: it's a mall where you can waste the day away, and it was ridiculously expensive, representing Americans tendency to buy useless things. Nice!
4. Jacob’s Pickles (509 Amsterdam Avenue)
Fried food is the best food. Especially when it’s at a county fair. While NYC isn’t known for carnivals, it does have one of the best items found at a fair’s concession booth: fried pickles. Jacob’s Pickles is a comfort food spot with some banging pickles and bomb Southern biscuits.
5. Olive Garden (2 Times Square)
A night out to a chain restaurant is some high class living. Applebee’s or Tex Mex are also acceptable.
6. Target (255 Greenwich Street)
While NYC does not have its own Walmart, it does have a few Targets. Make a day out of it, go people-watching, and grab one of those scooter cart things.
7. Queens County Farm (73-50 Little Neck Parkway - Queens)
This is little out of the way, but here’s how to get in touch with the America’s heart: farms. Just don’t go around cow-tipping, ya hear?
8. Honky Tonk Tavern (1154 1st Avenue)
If you haven’t been to a honky tonk, have you even lived? The answer is yes, but why not go anyway. Just don’t wear an ‘I’m with Her’ button to this rustic spot.
9. Staten Island Go Karts (215 Schmidts Lane - Staten Island)
This is the closest you’ll get to Nascar in New York City.
Plus, it’s in Staten Island, which almost exclusively voted for Trump. Super authentic!
NY’s actual football teams play in Jersey, so they don’t count. While some NYC schools do have football teams, its nothing in comparison to the Friday night lights of various small midwestern towns.