Oh, the subway. It's a magical place...
Did you know that our mass transit system was ranked fifth in the country? Yea, we were shocked too. We're pretty sure that those people haven't actually ridden the subway to come up with that ranking.
For a system that is always delayed, packed with people, typically smells like death, is frequented by rats, perverts, and degenerates, we're shocked that so many people take it.
Then again, it's easiest, fastest method of transportation available to New Yorkers, so we'll take the good with the bad... but that doesn't mean we won't groan and complain about it.
Positivity? Never.
Here are some of the things you'll never EVER hear someone say on the subway... like, ever:
1. "Due to the lack of an earlier incident, our subway schedule is running faster than anticipated, and we will be arriving early"
The subway basically has three speeds: delayed, seriously delayed, you won't arrive until next June.
[anad]
Maybe you'll arrive on time once in a blue moon, but early? Not a chance.
2. "Excuse me miss, would you mind holding that pose while I masturbate to your face?"
Manners? From an exhibitionist subway pervert who has absolutely no respect for others?
Yea. Good luck with that one.
Regardless of their stance on politeness, snap a picture of the creep and get yourself to the nearest NYPD officer. That sh*t has no place on public transportation, nor will New Yorkers stand for it.
3. "The MTA is handing out free unlimited MetroCards for life!"
We'll believe this one when Commissioner Bratton rides a unicorn through the second street subway line holding hands with Barney.
It's never going to happen.
Instead, we're pretty sure that the MTA will bleed New Yorkers dry before they start handing out free MetroCards. We can dream though, right?
4. "Ahh, yes! An empty subway car that doesn't smell/isn't covered in bodily fluids/doesn't have a dead/sleeping body under/on the seats!"
On a train where people are typically packed in against one another closer than your last Stage Five Clinger, you can only imagine what horrors lie within the train car that everyone else knows to avoid.
No, you are not lucky when you find an empty car while the rest of the cars are packed to the brim.
[anad2]
You're likely to encounter smells worse than that hippy transplant who recently decided that bathing was against their spiritual balance. Hell, you might even encounter that hipster in the rather-dirty flesh, which might actually be worse than their mere odors.
Avoid. Like. The. Plague.
5. "Oh, what an adorable rat!"
If you live or work in NYC, odds are you've seen a rat or two. If you take the subway, those chances increase pretty drastically.
Let's just explain this for any non-New Yorkers out there: rats are not cute little fluffballs looking for love and affection. They're massive, disgusting creatures of evil that would rather eat their dead companions as they slink along the dirty floors of the subway.
This isn't Disney World. That's not Mickey Mouse. Rats are not adorable. They're demons.
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6. "Wow, the subway system is so safe!"
Subway slashings? What subway slashings? Of course you can sleep on the subway and not get pick-pocketed, groped, or attacked.
Yea, no. Those of us who ride the subway every day know that we're not really in any imminent danger, but we also know that it's one of the best places for someone to get away with something.
[anad]
We might sit down and look relaxed, but we've always got our guard up for anything that seems off.
7. "I wish Showtime was on this car."
You know that feeling when you're in a packed car just trying to sit peacefully listening to your music or reading a newspaper or book on your half hour train to work?
Wouldn't it be lovely to have some entertainment in the form of pole dancing, half dressed men, who solicit you for cash after their "performance?"
Listen, we're all about the hustle, but we're also about transportation that doesn't involve the fear of getting kicked in the face or hounded for money. Keep that stuff above ground.
8. "I'm so happy this local train just switched to express and will no longer make my stop... I'll get to see more of the beautiful underground!"
Here's the scene: you're so pumped you have two stops left until you can get off the subway, get home after a ten hour workday, and pop a bottle of wine.
The MTA has other plans.
[anad2]
You will no longer be getting off at your stop, but be whisked another 20ish blocks further, where you will then have to get off and take another train back to somewhere in the vicinity of your home.
Ain't nobody got time for that.
9. "This subway is just so clean!"
Said no one. Ever.
Check out 8 Secrets Every New Yorker Has (But Will Never Admit To).
[Feature Image Courtesy Slate]