Okay, let's be real: the residents of New York City are practically ninjas. We're like secret agents, totally equipped to handle everything this insane city throws at us.
The last thing we're trying to suggest is that the residents of NYC are anything less than capable, because the main thing we are is, well, capable.
We're a town composed solely of winners, most of whom left towns of losers to join this town of winners.
NYC is for the strong and everyone knows that, and if you come here strong, this city only makes you stronger.
Still, we can't help wishing we had supernatural powers. Like, we obviously wish we could fly, breathe underwater, and magically know where to go for lunch.
Read on to find out which magic powers every New Yorker wishes they had.
1. Nearest bodega sensor
Sometimes, we're in random neighborhoods, and we're craving that delicious bodega sandwich we're all obsessed with.
Here's the thing: if we had bodega sensing power, we wouldn't have to venture into random bodegas without knowing whether they were delicious.
[anad]
This power would clearly also allow us to possess knowledge of the most delicious bodegas.
2. Dollar slice radar
We love most NYC pizza. We're basically the pizza all-stars of the universe. That's an objective scientific fact, too, you know.
Anyway, we love all NYC pizza for sure, but sometimes we're like way broke and we can't afford a $6 slice of pizza.
When this craving hits, we need to know where a dollar slice craving is, and we need to know fast. Could we get this super power please?
3. ATM fee mind trick
How much do we spend on ATM fees a year? We don't even want to know, actually. We just want the power to zap ATM fees away from us.
We want the power to never have to pay an ATM fee again. We would clearly share this power with others.
4. Skyscraping
Is it fair that just because Peter Parker got bit by a mutant spider, he got to leap from building to building?
[anad2]
We think that's super unfair. We want to see NYC from the tops of its buildings just like Spidey. We love that skyline and we love it when we get to see the city from roofs, but we want to see the city from every roof, if you catch our drift.
5. Subway summoning
Oh, you've been waiting for twenty minutes at the subway stop with no sign that the train's planning on coming any time soon?
Get us some subway summoning powers. We want to be able to snap our fingers, and for a subway to come zooming up. That'd be sick, wouldn't it?
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6. Subway spacial reconstruction
You know in Harry Potter how Mr. Weasley's car looks really small on the outside but on the inside, it's really super huge? Huge enough for everyone to sit?
Yeah, that's what we want to do to the subway. We want one of those interior-expanding charms, and then we wouldn't have to rush onto the train, knock people over, and throw elbows just to get a seat.
[anad]
If we could have this power, we'd expand the subway so much that everyone could have seats. Come on, we're not just thinking of ourselves here, even though we'd obviously also love to be able to sit every time we rode the subway.
7. Train traffic sorcery
What's more soul crushing than waiting for the subway on the platform for decades?
Oh, that's right. Being trapped in a subway car, underground, with a crap ton of people all packed into the train. For twenty minutes.
[anad2]
This is clearly the most demoralizing experience a New Yorker could have, so we'd love the super power to not have to deal with this.
We'd love to be able to, like, blink our eyes and our train would lurch forward and start moving again. Wouldn't that be great?
8. Happy hour time freeze
Sure, there are apps that can find you the best happy hours near you, but how many can locate that happy hour and just slow down that time so happy hour lasts, say, as long as you need it?
We just want to be able to access this power, and find out that there's a bar two blocks down that's got dollar beers for another hour. Then we want to make that whole 'nother hour and tack on a few more.
That's our ideal situation. That way, we'd be the drunkest, richest, happiest version of ourselves, and that's all we've really ever wanted. Is that seriously too much to ask?
Check out 9 Things You'll Never Hear New Yorkers Say on the Subway.
[Feature Image Courtesy Tumblr]